Glenn Strange Funnies #3

July 25th, 2017

When I first read that July 20, is “National Moon Day”, I was confused if the word “Moon” was used as a noun or a verb. Thank goodness it’s used as a noun.

July 20, commemorates the day Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin first walked on the moon in 1969. Poor old Michael Collins had to remain alone on the bus and keep the motor running until Armstrong and Aldrin returned. Talk about a bummer, that’s like taking your girlfriend home to meet your parents and your brother winds up taking on a date that next weekend. But, I’m over that now.

SAFETY WARNING: When you’re at a wedding, and people throw rice, keep your mouth closed. My friend choked on his wedding day. ….. Please be careful; you know how I worry.


Magnetic Resonance Imaging:
A man came into the clinic to have an MRI. He was put into the machine by a very young female technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman.

The man remarked, “How long was I in there?”


Game Time:
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about  six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve  observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed  you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said,  “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To which his dad responded, ”Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client

“He left’em begging for more and wanting to know…”When can we have Glenn come again?”
          Dink NeSmith, President
Community Newspapers, Inc.


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Glenn Strange Funnies #2

July 24th, 2017

Farm Field Trip Sounds
Teacher: Okay kids. What sounds did you hear on our trip to the farm yesterday?
Sally: Mooooo!
David: Baaaaa!
Janet: Quack Quack!
Johnny: HEY KID, GET OFF THAT TRACTOR ….. NOW!


State Motto
1) New Mexico: “Lizards Make Excellent Pets”
2) North Dakota: “We Really Are One of The 50 States!”
3) Oregon: “Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner”


What Clients Say About Glenn’s Program
“This made the 3rd time Glenn’s been in front of our crowd. I’m always cracked up. The fact that Glenn is a man of character comes through clearly as there’s never a foul word or suggestion made.”
      George Painter – Painter Enterprise


Climate Control
In an office, there was a constant battle between the Technical Support Director and Customer Service personnel, over the room temperature. The frustrated Technical Support director, trying to get everyone to understand his position, announced one afternoon, “We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat.”

Thinking this was a lame excuse for why the machines were malfunctioning, one of the younger millennials eagerly spoke out, “Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?”


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Hallmark Christmas Stories of 2016

December 4th, 2016

Well, it’s only the beginning of December and I’ve already had my fill of Hallmark Christmas movies. This year they started airing on November 5, 2016. All 22 new versions of the same old plot, with different faces. Everyone’s still whispering their lines, and you can hear soft jingling, tinkling bells in the background all through the entire show. Throughout the movie, you’re pulling for 2 people to realize they’re perfect for each other. Somewhere in the last 5 minutes, they give up, fall in love, the music gets louder, and snow starts falling. THE END. The only difference I see this year is that all the characters have upgraded their mobile phone service, and they’re using smartphones.  I’m just waiting to see if one of the characters has a pocket battery explosion. Probably not going to happen, cause that would add  excitement, and that’s something no Hallmark movie has ever had. Thanks for listing. Pass me the tissues.IMG_0069 - Version 2 – Version 3

When Introductions Go Bad

September 20th, 2016
When Introductions Go Bad

When Introductions Go Bad

I was honored and thrilled when the National Speakers Association featured my article in their publication. “SPEAKER Magazine”.

I should have recognized things were headed south when she walked to center stage, firmly planted her feet shoulder width apart, looked down, and began shuffling through pages of paper. This lady that had been given the task of introducing me to her association members. The same lady that told me earlier that afternoon, “I do not need your prepared introduction. I’ve put a lot of time, thought, and rehearsal into what I’m saying, and if you don’t let me use the introduction I’ve worked so hard on, I’ll be heartbroken.”

Well, I should have broken her heart that afternoon. Because that sweet little elderly lady had single handily …… (MORE)


JOKE TIME

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door 3 miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’


FARMER’S WISDOM

  1. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  2. Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  3. Always drink upstream from the herd.

DID YOU KNOW?

A flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down, and they don’t taste like chicken.


QUOTE TO REMEMBER

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.”
Michael Pritchard


“Thank You” to Jeryl Anderson and Kelly Palmer for making sure I had everything I needed for my show and allowing me to be a part of your annual event. A special “Thank You” to your association members, their laughter, and for the jobs, they do every day. img_6360


Question: What Makes an Event Rememberable?

Answer: LAUGHTER

To book Glenn Strange for your next important event. You may go through your favorite Speakers Bureau, Talent Agent, or Contact His Office Direct:

Call: 864-439-1369

info@GlennStrange.com


Restroom Sign Confusion

June 8th, 2016

I recently saw this restroom directional sign in a local Italian restaurant. I was confused and then embarrassed.  The restaurant owners were not amused.

Donald Trump Rides Again

January 5th, 2016

 

Trump Mobile

Trump Mobile

ROBOCOP, Daytona 500 Official Pace Car, and Trump Mobile. I recently saw this car in a McDonald’s parking lot. I first thought it was ‪#‎RonaldMcDonald‬’s clown car, but it turned out to be a ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ Impersonator. He was inside using their free WiFi and eating off the dollar menu. I guess he can only afford to take his impersonations so far.

One of Those Days:

December 29th, 2015

Recently, I was traveling to do a magic show in a town that was 4 hours, 20 minutes Google time from my home. It had been one of those days that we all have from time to time. Off and on misty rain with interstate traffic heavier than normal. Earlier a small rock slide in the right-hand lane had held me up, and there had also had been a 4 car, 2 truck rubbernecking accidents in the opposite bound lane. I was behind schedule, and it was well past my lunch time.

I noticed the upcoming exit had a restaurant that’s known for it’s faster than normal drive-through window. You know the restaurant with the golden arches, chicken nuggets, and a kid’s clown. I exited the interstate and drove straight to the driveway of the crowded parking lot. The drive-through line was medium-size in length, but that shouldn’t be a problem because of the speed at which the cars were being served.

I fell in line behind the last vehicle, loosened my seatbelt, dug out my wallet, and had my money ready. I didn’t want anything to cause my drive-through time to be longer than normal. It was then, I noticed the markings on the vehicle in front of me.

WARNING: If it’s passed your “eat time”, you’re in a hurry, and you’re trying to save time by going through a drive-through window, DO NOT fall in behind a car, truck, or mini-van with this type rear glass markings. Especially if it’s one of those drive-throughs that has the 9-inch concrete curbing on each side. You may be there for hours.

At Least They Didn't Ask to Pay Separately

At Least They Didn’t Pay Separately

Upside Down Truck

March 3rd, 2015

You spent $60,000.00, 6 years building your super hot rod show car. You take it out for the first time to drive on a beautiful sunny day. You stop at the red-light and this guy pulls up beside you, with his $6000, 6 month build and no one notices your car.

 

Best Job In the World

February 26th, 2015

The TV weather-person has to be the best job in the world. They never get fired for being wrong, they receive praises when they call it right, and their boss lets them play outside when it snows.

WEATHER ALART: It’s snowing in SC tonight. Please remember to keep fresh unfrozen water and food for your outside pets, the wild birds, and the TV weather people. They’re all outside and unable to care for themselves.

weather

Good Foot Brian Williams …. What a Guy

February 14th, 2015

brian-williams

I first met Brian Williams in 2004, where we finished 5th and 6th in the New York City Marathon. We became best friends in 2005, at the Quebec Winter Triathlon. Where he twisted his ankle on a used water bottle and was ready to give up. I threw him on my back and we tied for 9th.

Brian was devastated because he believed, and was convinced he would be unable to compete in running events for at least a year. After all, that’s what his doctor, Dr. Oz had told him. Brian was slipping into a deep depression. He was losing his passion for running.

I had to do something, and do it quickly. That’s when I came up with the brilliant idea that Brian and I would team up to go on the Southeastern Three Legged Sack Race Circuit. Just to verify my plan, I contacted my personal friend, Dr. Phil. He was in the middle of show taping, but for some reason, on that day he took my call during a commercial break. He agreed that my plan of competing in Three Legged Sack Races would be a good activity to keep Brian from depression. He also said, he wished he had thought of it. Little did I know how competitive Brian would be by using just his good foot.

That 2005 summer we entered and won every Three Legged Sack Race on the Southeastern Circuit. Over 23 races within a 16 week period. It was an extremely tiring, demanding, and grueling schedule. Lots of farm day festivals, county fairs, and medium size church picnics.

23 first place wins! I don’t think I’ve every witnessed anyone equal to Brian’s strong determination, confidence, and his laser like focus. … Brian Williams …. what a guy.

THE REST OF THE STORY
So, now you know where the slogan, “Put Your Best Foot Forward”  came from…. Thank you,  Brian Williams …. what a guy.

written and lied by Glenn Strange 2015ⓒ

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