I’m Happy To Report

July 11th, 2019

I’m happy to report that after our annual family fourth of July fireworks celebration, everyone still has ten fingers and no eye patches. Unlike last year.

More Than One Answer

Teacher: If you had 11 marbles in your left pocket and 15 marbles in your right pocket, what would you have?

Little Johnny: Really big pockets.

_________________________

Some May Not Get This One

There was a knock at door last evening. When I opened it, There was a guyfrom Domino’s holding a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

“I’ve not ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”

“No, it’s not,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted you to know what he was eating for dinner tonight.”


What Clients Say:

“We’ve received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our

guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode reminded of Glenn’s

incredibly meaningful closure. They’re also still trying to figure out how in the

world he made it snow.”

“We’ve received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure. They’re also still trying to figure out how in the world he made it snow.”
Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations

Businesses

Churches

Chambers of Commerce

Theatres

Corporate Events

Award Banquets

Appreciation Banquets

Safety Banquets

Family Events

Family Events

Conventions

Resorts

Fundraisers

Sales Meetings

Conferences

Trade Shows

Office Events

PPS – Bonus Joke: Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy.
What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

Laugh at Your Problems

May 16th, 2019

Remember. “Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.” You’re welcome.


Kids:

Billy: “Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother: “I don’t think so, Billy. Why do you ask?”
Billy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”


Yard Sale:

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a yard sale.
They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head, and said. “I’m still wearing the 33s, come back next year.”


The Artist:

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”

“What did you say?” questioned the artist.

“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

Remember, You Can’t …

May 9th, 2019

You can’t unsay a cruel thing. Thank about it.


Child Wisdom:

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

The mother replied, “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”


Doctors:

The young doctor marched back to the older doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The old doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”


PPS – Bonus Joke:

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at two am. “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol,’ replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?“ says the police officer, “who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?”

The man sighs, “my wife.”


To Whisper​ or Yell

May 2nd, 2019

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Thank about it.


Little Johnny:

Little Johnny goes to the local Farm & Ranch store to buy bird seed.
The salesperson asks, “How many birds do you have?
Little Johnny replies, “None, I want to grow some.”

Cowboy Wisdom:

1) Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
2) It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
3) Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


This Was a First for Me

Over the years I’ve performed in many different type places; everything from lumber company loading docks to elaborate theatres. But, this past week was a first for me. The show was for an Alabama company’s Safety Awards Banquet, and the venue was in a building that was originally built and used as a WWll German prisoner of war camp.

PPS – Bonus Joke:

Jones had been late for work on Monday and again on Tuesday. His boss told him if he was late one more time that week, he would be out of a job. As luck would have it, Jones arrived an hour and a half late on that Friday. His boss was furious and told him to come into his office and shut the door.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” asked his boss, “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning. My wife decided to drive me to work. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, as you can see my suit is still damp, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Clint Eastwood’s helicopter, landed on the roof of the next-door skyscraper, ran down 99 levels, and then came over here.”

His boss was furious and shouted, “Jones, you’re fired! What kind of an idiot do you think I am. No, wife gets ready in ten minutes.”


The Best Sermons Are …

April 25th, 2019

The best sermons are lived, not preached. Thank about it.
Have a safe week, and be careful …. you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange


PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Definition:

Little Toe: Designed specifically to locate furniture when all the lights are off.


Question:

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!


Give the Gift of Laughter

Book Glenn for Your Event?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Direct

Phone: 864-439-1369

PPS – Bonus Joke:

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”


On her next visit, the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

“Who cares?” she replied.


Easter’s This Coming Sunday

April 17th, 2019

Wisdom or Not?:

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
3) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Answer Coming Next Week:

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.


PPS – Bonus Joke:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anythingwas troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it’s actually worse than that. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’mgoing, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”


Laughter Leads to Likin

April 11th, 2019

Shopping Math:

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

Dating:

Two mice meet and start chatting. “Look,” says one after a while, “I’ve got a
new boyfriend!” and shows a picture on the mobile phone. “O-my-goodness,”
cries the other mouse, “that’s a bat!” “What?! He told me he was a pilot!”

Give the Gift of Laughter

PPS – Bonus Joke:

A guy and his dog wall into a bar. The guy tells the bartender that his dog can talk. The bartender says, “Prove it'”

“Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?” “Ruff!”

“What are you tryin’ to pull, mister? That ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

“Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question, please? Okay buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ballplayer who ever lived?” “Ruth.”

The bartender beats the guy up and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar; then he throws the dog out next to him.

The dog stands up and looks at the guy. “Geez. D’ya think I shoulda said,
DiMaggio?”


My Car Has a Problem

April 4th, 2019

“My car has a problem. When I drive and eat donuts, the steering wheel gets sticky.” – Glenn Strange

The Joys of Parenthood:

Mother: “So what have you been doing at school today?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t really want to talk about it, right now. Watch the news, at 6:00.”​

Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy mother,” she asked, “is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

Give the Gift of Laughter

Book Glenn  for Your Event?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Bonus Joke:

One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie.

The man is ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the genie continues. “What catch?” asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously. The genie replies, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for.” “Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replies the elated man.

“What is your first wish?” asks the genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” says the genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars,” replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet. “Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the genie reminds the man. “Well, that’s OK, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replies the man.

“And what is your final wish?” asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”


Only Four Days Until April 1

March 28th, 2019

Only four days until April Fools’ Day. It’s time to start planning “who” and “what.”


Wisdom Time:

Talking to yourself is okay. Sometimes you need expert advice. The question is, “Do you listen?”


Twins:

My brother has just started dating a wonderful girl, and he told me she has a twin. I ask him how he could tell them apart? He said, “It’s easy. Addison paints her fingernails and Allen has a beard.​


Give the Gift of Laughter

Book Glenn for Your Event?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events

864-439-1369
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Bonus Joke:

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her cheek, then his again. Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Oh,” she paused… “Grandpa, did God make me too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”


Cowboys, Bankers, and Skunks

March 21st, 2019

Cowboy Wisdom:

1) Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
2) Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
3) A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Home Improvements:

I guy lives on a street where all the homes are built the same size and shape.

He asks his neighbor, “How much wallpaper did you buy to paper your
kitchen/dining room area?”

“I got eleven rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper up in my kitchen/dining area and I had six rolls left over.”

Neighbor replies, “Yeah, so did I.“

PPS – Bonus Joke:

A banker, driving by a cattle ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had
happened.

He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The banker sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here, is the check for $900,” he said. “It’s postdated six years from now.”

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