Humorous Stories

Laughter In Business = Higher Profits

Wednesday, November 8th, 2017

If March had only 30 days, April Fool’s Day would fall on April 2.

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Have You Noticed?:
1) “Half of this planet’s starving and the other half’s on a diet.”
2) “Anger is one letter short of danger.”
3) “After one realizes he’s been a fool, he’s not a fool anymore.”


Call 1-800-999-9999:

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We rotate the annual Southern Group of State Foresters meeting around to all 13 southern states, and I can tell you that comments from many participants indicated your’s was the ’best show in years.’“

       W. Lazenby
Georgia Forestry Commission

For Your Entertainment Needs

Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.  “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test, and the question was,  ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’  Mary put Abraham Lincoln, and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night, and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, hold on,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’  Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither.'”



The Million Dollar Question

Tuesday, November 7th, 2017

The teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars.
The next day Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.
“Alex!” yelled the teacher, “you’ve done nothing. Why?”
“Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!”

Be careful, if you hear something that sounds like a tornado, it might be a train. Either one can hurt you …. you know how I worry,

Have a happy day,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Questions to Ponder:
1) Is the ‘S’ or ‘C’ silent in the word ‘scent’?
2) If a tomato is a fruit, why isn’t ketchup a smoothie?
3) Why Isn’t 11 pronounced onety-one?


The Farmer Said

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle but was meeting with considerable resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” ressponded the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your stage presence and rapport with the audience was superb. During your medicine eating routine, one person had to leave to go to the bathroom because he couldn’t handle any more laughter.”
      J. Malone
American Equipment Co., Inc.​



For Your Entertainment Needs
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
The banker pulled out the loan application.
“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian.
“Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t understand collateral,” replied the Indian
“Well, that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
“Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes.  1978 Ford pickup,” replied the Indian
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the Indian
“How old is it?” the banker asks.
“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the Indian
Finally, the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” the banker asks.
“Keep at home.”, replied the Indian
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” the banker asked.
“Don’t understand deposit,” replied the Indian
“You put the money in our bank, and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk and asked the banker…
“What you got for collateral?”​


Don’t Let the Funny Pass You By

Monday, November 6th, 2017

“Follow your gut, and take your brain with you” ….. you know how I worry,

Be happy,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Johnny, I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.”
Johnny: “Life imprisonment”


Engine Trouble:

A 747 airplane was having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A couple of minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn’s show was sensational. I will take great pride in recommending him to others. His performance was exceptional!”
       L.Holder
Blue Ridge Electric Co-op



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.  One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up.  “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”


Laughter: Life’s Common Denominator

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

Did you know a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana? It’s true; it’s on the internet. I just wonder what they did to the guy that sold the monkey the cigarette?

“Remember, there’s a reason George Washington never text and drove at the same time ….. please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”


News:

At the doctor’s office, Tom was having his yearly checkup. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show! Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance …. He mystified us, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
      S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In 1999, an elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

The customs officer sarcastically​ asked,”You have been to France before, monsieur?”

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The gentleman said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible, Americans’ always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach, on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


Laughing Employees = Loyal Customers

Saturday, November 4th, 2017

A Little Known Fact:  Roses are RED, and Violets are VIOLET.

“Remember, “A rat can last longer without water than a camel, but a rat’s harder to ride.”

Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Go make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


State Slogans:
Alabama:  “At Least We’re Not Mississippi”
California:  “As Seen on TV”

Rhode Island: “We’re Not Really an Island”

You’ll Never Hear a Southern Boy Say:

1)  “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
2)  “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
3) “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your show was very well received by our employees and their guest.  The comments made were all very complimentary.  Thank you for providing us with good wholesome entertainment.”
      Pat Shaddy, Human Resources
Amana​



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
One beautiful autumn day, a park ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead bald eagle. “Hey mister, the bald eagle is a protected species, and killing one is a punishable offense,” said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle, he would have died from starvation.

“I was so hungry,” complained the defensive camper, “the bald eagle was the only food I could find!”

To everyone’s amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I’d like to know: What did it taste like?”

The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”


Laughter’s Better than Tranquilizers

Friday, November 3rd, 2017

“I don’t care what killed the dinosaurs. I just want to know who buried them?” – Glenn Strange

“Remember, to always use your seatbelt, because it’s hard to eat corn on the cob with no front teeth.” – Glenn Strange

Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


New Neighbors:

Julia tells her husband, “James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” James says, “why I hardly know the girl.”


The Cost of Meat:

A tourist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years, it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The tourist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

“Here, is the check for $900,” he said. “It’s postdated six years from now.”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show!  Everyone’s still talking about your incredible performance on Friday night.  You mystified, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
         S. Cash, Chairman of the Board
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

Answering Machine Messages
1)  Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?

2)  Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.

3)  This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.​


Laughter is the Best Medicine

Thursday, November 2nd, 2017

Today is”National Men Make Dinner Day”. Who gets to decide this kind of stuff anyway? Men are supposed to plan the menu (no BBQ. pizza, or grilling allowed). Purchase the ingredients, prepare, serve, and clean up. Looks like I’m passing out “Buy One Get One Free” Whopper Burger coupons.

WARNING: Only 53 days until Christmas! ​​​Those “Hallmark Christmas Stories” started airing October 27. Same story over and over, with different faces.​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Semi-Wisdom:
1) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
2)  How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you’re on.
3)  Shopping Tip: You can get shoes for under $2.50 at most bowling alleys.


Health and Fitness:
My gym has a new machine. Only used it for half an hour, as I started feeling sick.  It’s a great machine. It has everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, and more.​


Highly Recommended
I’m excited, and I highly recommend you experience this hilarious musical group, “Three On a String”. Trust me! If you love great music and love laughing, you will be thoroughly entertained.​I first worked with these guys over 20 years ago, and we became instant friends.  (Well, at least I like them) They’re naturally funny and amazing musicians. Between them, they play over 25 instruments. Their programs contain bluegrass, folk, rock, country, a little rap, and even the classics. Did I mention they are funny?

Tickets for “Three On a String” performance are the perfect Christmas gift for your friends and family. Tickets are easy to purchase online, and they’re easy to wrap.  ​


Who? “Three on a String”
Where? Newberry Opera House on January 6, 2018
What? Great music, hilarious storytelling and comedy skits
Why? Once you see them, you’ll never forget them
Ticket Information: Click Here

PPS – Your Bonus:

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Sam asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Well, first,” he replied, “you ask him a simple question which he should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made 3 voyages around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Sam thought for a moment, and then asked, “Do you have another example? I’ve never been much of a history buff?”

Only 60 Days Until Christmas.​

Thursday, October 26th, 2017

This week, some tornados touched down in my town. It’s a blessing that there were no injuries or deaths reported.  There were tractor-trailer trucks turned over, and some landed on top of a building. Roofs, walls, and equipment of large industrial businesses caved in. The “not-so-funny”, funny part of this event is that it took the National Weather Service 24 hours before they confirmed the damage was caused by tornados. Du-Ha, Maybe they need to buy a Moped and get out more.

Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Bed-Time Story:
A small boy is sent to bed by his father…
5 minutes later:
“Da-ad…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

5 minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water, please?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!”

5 minutes later:
“Daaad…”
“WHAT?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”


History:
Little Billy’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

Little Billy replies, “Because George was the one holding the ax?​​


Glenn’s Client Quote
“Glenn Strange was a definite hit at our Southeast Regional Directors Conference! People were talking about his magic and how funny he was for several days following his show…..”
B. Lehew
Carolinas Credit Union League​


HOW TO BE FUNNY
At a recent family entertainer’s conference in Pigeon Forge, TN, I had the honor of being interviewed by Andrew Remnet, as part of his series on “How To Be Funny”.  If you’d like to see this interview
Click Here:  https://youtu.be/PlVNZAEk7ic

PPS – Your Bonus:
A young boy, about 8 years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful, and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added,
“I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh, what was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle.”


 

Share the Laughter-Forward This To A Friend:

Thursday, October 19th, 2017

Only 66 days until Christmas.​

DRIVING TIP:  If you’re having your car serviced and you leave your keys in the ignition for the mechanic to drive your car into the service bay, be sure to first let the driver’s window down before shutting the door. ​Some cars will automatically lock when the door is closed. Please, don’t ask me how I know.

Please be careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence = Wisdom:
1) I’m going to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.
2) I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.
3) I don’t want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.


How Mathematicians Think:
One of the world’s brightest mathematicians was arrested by the police in an airport for smuggling a bomb in his hand luggage.

The math expert says, “You don’t understand! It’s to make the plane safe!!”

One of the police officers asked, “What do you mean by that!?”

The math genius replied, “You see, the chances that a bomb is aboard the plane are extremely small, so the chance of two bombs being on the plane would be practically impossible.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thank you for traveling to Kansas. This made the 3rd time you’ve been in front of our crowd. No matter how often I see you, I’m always cracked up”
       George Painter
Painter Enterprise


If you’re in the Birmingham area, you should not miss this fun evening of laughter, great music, and magic. Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at ​ www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”


 

As Seen On TV

Tuesday, October 17th, 2017

This past week I had the privilege of representing “The Stories of the Upstate”, on the “Your Carolina” TV show with Jack and Megan. If you missed it, click on the picture below.

I hope you enjoy and share this week’s funnies with someone that can use a little laughter in their life. (That’s pretty much everyone)

Please be careful. Summer’s coming, the roads may be slick, and there’s lighting in the air ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Fire, Fire:

A man came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”

“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”

“Don’t you still have those big red trucks?”


Underqualified:

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal.

The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped.

The conductor, highly agitated, glared around the orchestra, demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn did an outstanding job entertaining our members. His show was first class all the way. We would recommend Glenn to any establishment looking for a fun and mystifying evening.”
       J. McLain
Callawassie Island Club​

__________________

Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

Actual 1st Grader’s Answers
A first-grade teacher presented her class with the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Keep in mind that these are actual answers from 6-year-olds.
1. Don’t change horses …
until they stop.
2. Strike while the …
bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before …
Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of …
termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but …
how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that …
looks dirty.
7. No news is …
impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a …
Mister.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new …
math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …
stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust …
me.
12. The pen is mightier than the …
pigs.
13. An idle mind is …
the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s …
pollution.
15. Happy the bride who …
gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is …
not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s …
the Musketeers
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what …
you put on to go to bed.
19. Children should be seen and not …
spanked or grounded.
20. If at first, you don’t succeed …
get new batteries.


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