Posts Tagged ‘South Carolina’

Best Jokes of 2018

Thursday, December 27th, 2018

A special thank you to all the subscribes that shared these jokes and funnies this past year.

BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.

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They Say:
They say you can’t get a decent job without an education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

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Just One Little Thing:
My Wife is so Negative:

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

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Father & Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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Kids and Kittens:
A four-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

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Golf:
A golfer was having a terrible round; 20-over par for the front nine with several balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 12th, he lost it.

“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.

“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”

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Whales:
A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. 

One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely.

But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked. The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”

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Cowboy Wisdom:

1) Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.

2) Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

3) It’s better to be a has-been than a never-was.

4) If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t

5) It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

6) If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

7) Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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A Fact, A Question, A Prayer:
!)  I don’t need anger management. I need obnoxious people to stop annoying me!

2) Why do I have to press one for English when they’re just gonna transfer to someone in a foreign country?

3) Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

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Handling Sexual Harassment:
A male student at a management business school came up to a girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?” asked the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”

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Home Alone:
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10-year-old little Johnny opens the door, holding a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asked, “Young man is your mother home?”

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What do you

think?”

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Cost of a Parrot:

A man goes to a pet store to buy a parrot. The pet store assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?’’

The assistant says, ‘’$1000.”

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive.

The assistant explains, ”This parrot is very special. He speaks and understands English; he can make copies, and take incoming phone calls.’’

”What about the green parrot?” the man asks.

The assistant says, ”He costs $4000 because He speaks and understands English, Spanish, and German. He types 80 words per minute and is proficient in Microsoft Office, Word, and Excel. He can also deliver a beautiful Powerpoint presentation on just about any subject.’’

”What about the red parrot?” the man asks.

The assistant says, ”That bird is $10,000.’’

The man says, ‘’My goodness, what does HE do?’’

The assistant says, ‘’Absolutely nothing, but the other two parrots call him boss.’’

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Just a Game:
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”

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Doctor Doctor:
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 19 lbs 10 oz.

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What Glenn’s Clients Say:
“Everyone thoroughly enjoyed your performance!  I have only heard good things. Please feel free to use me as a reference.  I will gladly give you the highest accolades!”
         Laura Strickland
         Sylacauga Chamber of Commerce

Why Plan an Event Without
Planning for Laughter?

Make Your Event FUN?
info@GlennStrange.com
Or Just hit *Info*Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Bonus Joke:
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like this for only $59.00.”

Clean Humor

Thursday, September 14th, 2017

Hello There,

I hope you are well, dry, and undamaged. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Reminder:  Sometimes, cleaning up and rebuilding after a hurricane can be just as dangerous as the storm. Think about what you’re doing.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Pilot School 101:
1) Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2) If God meant man to fly, He’d have given him more money.
3) The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot sweat.


Speeding:
An elderly couple was driving through Jacksonville, Florida. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Highway Patrol.

Patrolman asks her, ‘Ma’am did you know that you were speeding?’

Irene turns to her husband, Mack, and inquiries, ‘What did he say?’
Mack yells out, ‘He says you were speeding!’

The patrolman said, ‘May I see your license, please ma’ am?’

Irene, once again, turns to Mack and says, ‘What did he say?’
Once more, Mack, shouts out, ‘He wants to see your license!’
Irene gives the patrolman her driving license.

The patrolman says, ‘I see you are from Connecticut. I spent a week there once and had the worst week I’ve ever had.’

Irene turns to Mack and asks, ‘What did he say?’
Mack yells very loudly, ‘He thinks he knows you​!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Those in attendance described the event as ‘hilarious, great time’. and one of the best parties we’ve ever had. I appreciate you making me look so good!”
       Scott Ledford
General Shale Products, LLC

 

 


 
25 or 2500 People
What’s the Key to Making
Your Event a Success?
“EVERYONE LAUGHING
TOGETHER”

Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Thanks to P. Parsons sharing this funny with us.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here’s what happened to Walter:

Walter walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Walter said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Walter what he had… Walter said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Walter to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Walter what he had. Walter said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Walter a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Walter to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Walter sitting patiently in the nude and asked Walter what he had.

Walter said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Walter said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’


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