Posts Tagged ‘public speaker’

Take the rest of the week off …

Thursday, April 19th, 2018

Hello,

After you read this week’s funnies and forward this email to your friends, you may take the rest of the week off … with pay. If anyone complains, have them call me, and I’ll take care of it.

Have a great long weekend. Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Ask the Dentist:
Patient:  Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist:  Wear a brown tie!


Golf:

The golfer called one of the caddies over and said, “I want a caddie who is honest, dependable, and respectful. What is 3, plus 4, plus 5 add up to?”
“10 sir,” said the caddie.
“Good, you’ll do perfectly.”


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Our Annual Quarter Century Banquet was a huge success, due to your outstanding performance. Thank you for making our banquet one that we shall not soon forget. I hope we will be able to work together again.”
          Alfreada Walker
Mount Vernon Mills, Inc.


Make Your Event “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
Little Noah was sent back to bed for the seventh time that evening, and his mommy is not amused.

She says, “Noah, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that,’ you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!”

Noah climbs the long stairs to his room, crawls up into his bed, and then there’s a short pause …… “Mrs. Lambden, May I have a glass of water please.”


I wouldn’t do it, but you could …

Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

Only 9 days until April Fool’s Day. You could place a rubble spider in the banana displace at the grocery store. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Father and Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


My Son’s a Doctor:
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.

The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”


 

 

 

 

Laugh Your Way To Good Health

Thursday, January 11th, 2018

Thank goodness the temperatures have warmed up a little. My heat pump has run nonstop for days and its tongue is now hanging out. I did receive a “Thank You” card from my power company.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Home Alone:
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10-year-old little Johnny opens the door, holding a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asked, “Young man is your mother home?”

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What do you think?”


My Wife is so Negative:
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Our Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner was a huge success and a great deal of the credit goes to Glenn Strange. He gave our members the perfect show. He provided good clean fun, great audience participation, amazing magic, and great comedy. It was excellent.”
           Victor W. Cross, President
Phenix City-Russell County Chamber of Commerce


Glenn Strange

Can Make Your Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Four hunters were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver Earl, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer’s land.

The old farmer said, ‘Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? My old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and very sick. I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me, please?’

Earl replied, ‘Of course I will,’ and strolled back to the car. While walking back, however, Earl decided to play a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car, and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, ‘No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won’t forget.’

With that, Earl rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, ‘That’ll teach him,’ a second shot rang out from the passenger side, and one of his buddy yelled, ‘And me too, step on it Earl, I got the cow.’!”


 

Baby It’s Cold Outside

Thursday, January 4th, 2018

This is no joke. I actually heard this on the TV news yesterday. It’s so Cold that the zoo has brought their penguins inside. Maybe they need to add a doggie door.

Please be careful …. it’s cold …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Scientific Study:
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,872,746,252 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read the actual number.


Handling Sexual Harassment:
A male student at a management business school came up to a girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “What was that?”

The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”

The girl slapped him soundly.

“What was that?” asked the boy, holding his cheek.

“Customer feedback.”


Healthcare Saving
Book Comedian Magician Glenn Strange for your next event and reduce your healthcare cost. It’s a scientific fact: Laughter is strong medicine. It draws people together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. Make your next event the best one ever.


Don’t Miss “Three on a String”
When: Saturday, Jan 6, 2018
Where: Newberry Opera House
Time: 8:00 pm
Click Here For Tickets 
More Than Great Music
An event you will remember forever
Have fun laughing
And tell your friends about

PPS – Your Bonus:There was a father who called his five small children together.
As they sat together in a circle on the floor the dad placed a toy in the middle. He explained to them that he won this toy as a door prize and he wanted to give it to one of them.

He asked them “who is the most obedient?” Five sets of eyes looked up at him. Sensing that they didn’t understand the word he then asked, “ok, who always obeys mommy, and does everything she says?”

One of the children picked up the toy and handed it to the father. “Okay, you win!” exclaimed the child.


 

Lyric Theatre, Dec 12, Be There!

Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Christmas a Comin:  Only 25 more sleeps.

SAFETY DRIVING TIPIt must be a law because people start driving crazy on Black Friday and continue until New Year’s day. Please watch for them …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


What to Say:
Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Now, I have something to wear when I shop at Wal-Mart.
8. If I had not just gained 15 pounds, this would fit perfectly.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. What an ideal gift, and it’s fireproof.
5. If my dog destroys this, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. It is true. It is better to give than to receive.
1. You shouldn’t have, I really don’t deserve this.


The Perfect Gift:
A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, his best friend ask, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied. “But no one sells a fake Jeep?”


Make Your Event the Best
Not everyone loves to dance, but everyone loves to laugh. Plan your next special event around Quality Professional Clean Comedy. Go to GlennStrange.com and look at the type audiences Glenn’s performed for.


Less Than 70 Tickets Available
Show Will SELL OUT
Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful 750 seat, Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Sally, a lady about 50 years old walked up and sat on Santa’s lap.

So, Santa smiled and asked, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Sally.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without hesitation, Sally replied, ‘A rich son-in-law.’


 

Laughter Must Be Shared

Friday, November 10th, 2017

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Irish Headstone:
Reilly was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription, “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the 2 of them in one grave?’


Irish Humor At Its Best:

Soon after O’Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. ‘To be sure it was Boss’, he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No, ‘replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Everyone loved Glenn’s show and we can’t wait for the opportunity to work with Glenn again!”
       The EMS Family
Event Management Solutions​



Make Your Event Great!
Call:  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one Saturday night, a policeman spotted O’Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

‘Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had 6 or 7 pints,’ chattered the inebriated O’Callaghan. ‘Then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had 4 or 5 o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend O’Reilly home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later …,’ and O’Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The police officer sighed and said, ‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’

Indignantly, O’Callaghan replied, ‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’​​



Don’t Know Why I’ve Been This Happy

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Tip:  This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies. Safety Tip: This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills. Please be careful ….. you know how I worry. Glenn Strange PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
2). If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3). I intend to live forever. So far so good.


Don’t Ask:
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “No sweetie.”

The wife said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the husband said, “Okay, I probably would”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the husband replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”​​


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Glenn was great last night, at St. Johnsbury Academy, in St. Johnsbury, VT. I found it gut splitting funny, my hubby and I laughed so hard!”
         Deborah Frenetic
Stanstead, Quebec, Canada​



Specializing In Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Your Bonus:

The Devil Made Me Do It:
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but were unhurt. This must be some kind of a sign.”

The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.”

“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

“Aren’t you going to have any? asks the priest.

“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”


 

Laughter In Business = Higher Profits

Wednesday, November 8th, 2017

If March had only 30 days, April Fool’s Day would fall on April 2.

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Have You Noticed?:
1) “Half of this planet’s starving and the other half’s on a diet.”
2) “Anger is one letter short of danger.”
3) “After one realizes he’s been a fool, he’s not a fool anymore.”


Call 1-800-999-9999:

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We rotate the annual Southern Group of State Foresters meeting around to all 13 southern states, and I can tell you that comments from many participants indicated your’s was the ’best show in years.’“

       W. Lazenby
Georgia Forestry Commission

For Your Entertainment Needs

Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.  “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test, and the question was,  ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’  Mary put Abraham Lincoln, and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night, and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, hold on,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’  Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither.'”



Laughter: Life’s Common Denominator

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

Did you know a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana? It’s true; it’s on the internet. I just wonder what they did to the guy that sold the monkey the cigarette?

“Remember, there’s a reason George Washington never text and drove at the same time ….. please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”


News:

At the doctor’s office, Tom was having his yearly checkup. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show! Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance …. He mystified us, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
      S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In 1999, an elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

The customs officer sarcastically​ asked,”You have been to France before, monsieur?”

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The gentleman said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible, Americans’ always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach, on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


Laughing Employees = Loyal Customers

Saturday, November 4th, 2017

A Little Known Fact:  Roses are RED, and Violets are VIOLET.

“Remember, “A rat can last longer without water than a camel, but a rat’s harder to ride.”

Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Go make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


State Slogans:
Alabama:  “At Least We’re Not Mississippi”
California:  “As Seen on TV”

Rhode Island: “We’re Not Really an Island”

You’ll Never Hear a Southern Boy Say:

1)  “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
2)  “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
3) “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your show was very well received by our employees and their guest.  The comments made were all very complimentary.  Thank you for providing us with good wholesome entertainment.”
      Pat Shaddy, Human Resources
Amana​



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
One beautiful autumn day, a park ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead bald eagle. “Hey mister, the bald eagle is a protected species, and killing one is a punishable offense,” said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle, he would have died from starvation.

“I was so hungry,” complained the defensive camper, “the bald eagle was the only food I could find!”

To everyone’s amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I’d like to know: What did it taste like?”

The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”


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