Posts Tagged ‘number one’

Only 39 Sleeps Until Christmas.

Thursday, November 15th, 2018

Proverbs of a Fourth Grader:

1) Better late than… absent.

2) A penny saved… is not a lot.

3) Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry, and… then blow your nose.


Johnny’s Mom:

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying.

His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said little

Johnny through his tears.

“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother.

“I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like

that. Why didn’t you just laugh?”

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.


This E-mail’s Purpose is:

Laughter is a gift that should be shared. So, brighten someone’s day and

forward this email to them.


PPS – Bonus Joke:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when

she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip

was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she

would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the

Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw,

studying every little detail until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to

Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, “It’s a box of chocolates. I got it

for my husband.”

for my husband.”

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with

the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

You Know You’re Lazy When …

Thursday, July 12th, 2018

We’re on the down-hill side of summer.
Please be careful on your vacation, because someone you know and somebody you have yet to meet, loves you …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  You know you’re lazy when you get excited about canceled plans.
2)  The first 50 years of marriage are the hardest.
3)  People said, “Follow your dreams”… so I went BACK TO BED!


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“I’ve asked people to give me their honest critique of our fundraiser. Without exception everyone polled and many more not asked have raved about you and the story you shared. If I lived two lifetimes, I could not thank you enough for your amazing show and your personal story.”
       Brandon Cox
Calvary Home for Children


Improving Events with Laughter


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A Texas rancher goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer, and they start talking.

The Aussie shows the Texan a large wheat field and the Texan says. Oh, we have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

They walk around a little, and the Australia shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have long horns that are at least as twice as large your cows.”

The conversation dies down until the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos moving across the field. “What are those?”, ask the Texan.

The Aussie replies, “What, you don’t have grasshoppers in Texas?”


Someone Told Me That …

Thursday, June 28th, 2018

“Someone told me that Hawaii is farther south than Florida. That may be true, but I can drive to Florida.” – Glenn Strange

Be careful driving on your vacation …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Teaching Johnny:
Little Johnny was making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and says, “You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret. And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can’t go back and you end up really ugly.”

Little Johnny quiets and says, “Well, at least you were warned…”


The Farmer Says:
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Glenn Strange was awesome. So talented and hilarious … he hit everything just right … we loved it! We thank him for sharing his gift and for creating laughter!!”
      Catherine Sullivan
      Clemson Sports Medicine & Rehabilitation


Your Bonus:
First Grader’s Answers

A first-grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds.

1. Don’t change horses
….. until they stop.
2. Strike while the
….. bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before
…. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of
….. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.
…. how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that
…. looks dirty.
7. No news is
….. impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a
….. Mister.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new
…. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll
… stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust
…. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the
…. pigs.
13. An idle mind is
…. the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s
….. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who
…..gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is
…… not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s
….. the Musketeers
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what
…. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
….. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as
…. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not
….. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first, you don’t succeed
…… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
…. see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind
…… get out of the way.
25. Better late than
….. pregnant.

Improving Events with Laughter


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Father’s Day Should Be Moved to …

Thursday, June 14th, 2018

“Every Mother’s Day the pastor delivers a heartfelt, loving message of praise and appreciation for mothers.  On Father’s Day, his message is for fathers to grow up, throw their toys away, and be a faithful, loving husband, that God expects them to be.  Makes me wish Father’s Day fell on a Tuesday.” – Glenn Strange

Safety Tip: When driving in the rain during the daytime. Try wearing your sunglasses. You should be able to see clearer.  Call me when you get there …. you know how I worry…

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Love Letters:
Judy’s grandmother once told Judy about how she and Judy’s grandfather met. “I was dating this man, but suddenly he left for war. We wrote love letters to each other, and I learned how splendid the man was.” Judy asked her grandmother, “So you married him when he came back from war?” Her grandmother laughed, ”Oh, no! Your grandfather was the mailman!”


Ask a Kid:
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “Sammy, how do you expect to get into Heaven?”

Sammy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Sammy, come in or stay out!'”


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Many thanks to Glenn Strange for making our holiday party a huge success and for making me look REALLY good in front of my boss!”
      Keith McDonald, PHR
      Justice Federal Credit Union
      Washington, DC


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,”The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ’Holy Smokes!  A talking chicken!'”

Americans Mistakenly Believe

Thursday, June 7th, 2018

“I’ve always loved history. So, I record the nightly news and watch it a year later.” – Glenn Strange

Most Americans mistakenly believe the winter is the most dangerous time to drive, but it’s the summer. Be careful traveling on your vacation. Call me when you get there …. you know how I worry…
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Rearrange the Letters:
1)  ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
   When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

2) SNOOZE ALARMS:
    When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S

3) A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I’M A DOT IN PLACE


Deep Thoughts:
1)  “I live in my own little world but it’s OK; everyone knows me here.” — Lauren Myracle
2)  “I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
3)  “If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”? – Unknown


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Your use of the audience volunteers was really great – nobody ever felt intimidated and laughed right along with the rest of us. Thanks, Glenn for making our banquet so successful.”
        Robert King
Georgia Independent Automobile Dealers Association


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?’

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’

The little boy nodded ‘yes’.

‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a blind idiot. Do you understand all that?’

The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach   ‘a half-wit fool’, is it?

The little boy shook his head   ‘NO’.

‘GOOD’, said the coach. ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.’


 

Years ago I wisely invested in …

Thursday, May 31st, 2018

“Years ago I wisely invested heavily in ‘Forever Stamps’. Today every time I mail something, I make money.” – Glenn Strange

Be careful traveling on your vacation. Call me when you get there …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


The Difference Between:
Optimist:  The glass is half full.
Pessimist:  The glass is half empty.
Mother:  Why didn’t you use a coaster?


It Hurts:
The dentist says to his patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc.

Dentist: We had an emergency this morning, and it’s put me way behind. There are three people in the waiting room, and I have a 4:00 o’clock tee time!


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Glenn’s program was clean, funny and intelligent.  Totally appropriate to our crowd and the occasion and believe it or not, that was one of the comments I heard the most. He has set the bar high.”
    Sandy Servin
Exopack Holding Corp. 


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. He usually had Monday’s off, but because of weekly rains, he had not been able to play golf for over a month.

On one Sunday, it turned out to be a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right, and there was very little wind. They were calling for rain the next day. The preacher wasn’t sure what to do….play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him, and he called in his assistant pastor to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.

An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, “look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow, and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A picture-perfect hole in one!

The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, ” I thought that you were going to punish him?”

God smiled and said, “I did….who’s he going to tell?”


Horse for Sale

Thursday, May 17th, 2018

Enjoy this week’s funnies and share them with a friend.

Be careful on the highways … the roads may be slick …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Weighing In At:
A woman caught her husband standing on the bathroom scales and sucking in his stomach.
Wife:  “Dear, you know, that won’t help?”
Husband:  “Oh it helps a lot, it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”


Why English is Confusing:
1) The soldier decided to *desert* his dessert in the *desert*.
2) Since there is no time like the *present*, he thought it  was time to  *present* the *present*.
3) He could *lead* if he would get the *lead* out.


Glenn’s Client Says:
“Thank you for your wonderful performance at our annual convention in Destin, FL. All the comments have been very positive and complimentary. Your magic and comedy appealed to both children and adults, and that made the evening a tremendous success.”

        Doris Hydrick
Alabama Manufactured Housing Institute


Laughter at Pinehurst Resort!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A young man named Don bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Don’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Don replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Don said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Don said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Don said, “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Don and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Don said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Don said, “Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his five dollars back.”

What Would You Call A ….

Thursday, April 26th, 2018

I’ve been wondering, “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Definitions:
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.


Did you know?
Chocolate makes your clothes shrink?


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Both the Chairperson and our CEO made a point of telling me how much they enjoyed Glenn’s show. Many thanks to Glenn Strange for making our holiday party a huge success and for making me look REALLY good in front of my boss!”
      Keith McDonald, PHR
Justice Federal Credit Union
Washington, DC


Making Events Successful


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

 


PPS – Your Bonus:
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer

Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”


 

 

Good News … Bad News

Thursday, April 12th, 2018

The Good News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.
The Bad News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.

So, you might as well laugh. Enjoy this week’s funnies.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Neighbors:
I’ve always thought my neighbors were friendly people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.


Little Johnny:
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”

Teacher snaps, “No, no, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”


Glenn’s Client Says:
“My ribs were sour for two days. The party was the talk of the office, and your comedy was recapped ever and over again, making each laugh more painful.”
       Lisa Mixner Ellis
Mesa Associates, Inc.


Making Events “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
A couple getting away from their high-stress jobs planned a relaxing week in their motorhome. They found their peace and quiet was being disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.

They then devised a way to assure themselves some privacy. They placed this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance Agent Inside. Ask About Our Term-Life Package.”


I wouldn’t do it, but you could …

Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

Only 9 days until April Fool’s Day. You could place a rubble spider in the banana displace at the grocery store. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Father and Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


My Son’s a Doctor:
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.

The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”


 

 

 

 

watch demo

Newsletter & Updates Signup!