Posts Tagged ‘number one’

Horse for Sale

Thursday, May 17th, 2018

Enjoy this week’s funnies and share them with a friend.

Be careful on the highways … the roads may be slick …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Weighing In At:
A woman caught her husband standing on the bathroom scales and sucking in his stomach.
Wife:  “Dear, you know, that won’t help?”
Husband:  “Oh it helps a lot, it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”


Why English is Confusing:
1) The soldier decided to *desert* his dessert in the *desert*.
2) Since there is no time like the *present*, he thought it  was time to  *present* the *present*.
3) He could *lead* if he would get the *lead* out.


Glenn’s Client Says:
“Thank you for your wonderful performance at our annual convention in Destin, FL. All the comments have been very positive and complimentary. Your magic and comedy appealed to both children and adults, and that made the evening a tremendous success.”

        Doris Hydrick
Alabama Manufactured Housing Institute


Laughter at Pinehurst Resort!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A young man named Don bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Don’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Don replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Don said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Don said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Don said, “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Don and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Don said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Don said, “Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his five dollars back.”

What Would You Call A ….

Thursday, April 26th, 2018

I’ve been wondering, “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Definitions:
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.


Did you know?
Chocolate makes your clothes shrink?


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Both the Chairperson and our CEO made a point of telling me how much they enjoyed Glenn’s show. Many thanks to Glenn Strange for making our holiday party a huge success and for making me look REALLY good in front of my boss!”
      Keith McDonald, PHR
Justice Federal Credit Union
Washington, DC


Making Events Successful


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

 


PPS – Your Bonus:
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer

Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”


 

 

Good News … Bad News

Thursday, April 12th, 2018

The Good News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.
The Bad News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.

So, you might as well laugh. Enjoy this week’s funnies.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Neighbors:
I’ve always thought my neighbors were friendly people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.


Little Johnny:
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”

Teacher snaps, “No, no, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”


Glenn’s Client Says:
“My ribs were sour for two days. The party was the talk of the office, and your comedy was recapped ever and over again, making each laugh more painful.”
       Lisa Mixner Ellis
Mesa Associates, Inc.


Making Events “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
A couple getting away from their high-stress jobs planned a relaxing week in their motorhome. They found their peace and quiet was being disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.

They then devised a way to assure themselves some privacy. They placed this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance Agent Inside. Ask About Our Term-Life Package.”


I wouldn’t do it, but you could …

Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

Only 9 days until April Fool’s Day. You could place a rubble spider in the banana displace at the grocery store. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Father and Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


My Son’s a Doctor:
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.

The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”


 

 

 

 

Only 334 days left

Thursday, January 25th, 2018

Only 334 days left to pay off last Christmas.

WARNING:  It’s that time of year. The roads may be slick …..  Please be careful…… you know how I worry. Now, read and enjoy the below jokes.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Exercise and Dieting:
1)  I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
2)  I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web…
3)  My goal for 2018 is to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ….


Home Security:
A man was very proud of his Pit-Bull dog; he would let him roam in his yard to prove to the neighborhood that his house was guarded and protected.

One day a woman knocked on his door.
“Is that your big dog outside?”

Wondering how she had got past him, he said: “Yes why?”

She said, “I’m sorry, but my dog just killed your dog!”

“What?” Roared the man “What kind of dog do you have?”

“A Chihuahua” Replied the woman.

“A Chihuahua? How could that little rat dog kill my big strong Pit-Bull?”

The woman replied, “It got stuck in his throat!”.


REMEMBER
An Overdose of Laughter Never Killed Anyone.​ Save Lives! Booking Glenn Strange For Your Next Event.​ Laughter is the Best Medicine.


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
An engineer, manager, and programmer were driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed, and the car careered down the road out of control. Halfway down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”

The engineer said, “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my toolkit here and we can take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said, “No, no, no, that’s all wrong. We should push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

Laugh Your Way To Good Health

Thursday, January 11th, 2018

Thank goodness the temperatures have warmed up a little. My heat pump has run nonstop for days and its tongue is now hanging out. I did receive a “Thank You” card from my power company.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Home Alone:
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10-year-old little Johnny opens the door, holding a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asked, “Young man is your mother home?”

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What do you think?”


My Wife is so Negative:
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Our Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner was a huge success and a great deal of the credit goes to Glenn Strange. He gave our members the perfect show. He provided good clean fun, great audience participation, amazing magic, and great comedy. It was excellent.”
           Victor W. Cross, President
Phenix City-Russell County Chamber of Commerce


Glenn Strange

Can Make Your Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Four hunters were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver Earl, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer’s land.

The old farmer said, ‘Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? My old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and very sick. I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me, please?’

Earl replied, ‘Of course I will,’ and strolled back to the car. While walking back, however, Earl decided to play a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car, and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, ‘No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won’t forget.’

With that, Earl rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, ‘That’ll teach him,’ a second shot rang out from the passenger side, and one of his buddy yelled, ‘And me too, step on it Earl, I got the cow.’!”


 

Christmas Laughs

Thursday, December 7th, 2017

Only 18 more sleeps until Christmas.
Please be careful …….. you know how I worry.

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Questions:
“Q” How do you know Santa has to be a man?
“A” No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

“Q”  What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“A” It’s Christmas, Eve!

“Q”  What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
“A” The letter “D”!


Pick One:
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus all got into the elevator of the hotel. As the elevator traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, they noticed a $100 bill lying on the elevator floor. Which one picked up the $100 bill, and turned it into the hotel receptionist?

Santa Claus, the other two don’t exist.​


Make Your Event the Best
It’s a scientific fact: Laughter is strong medicine. It draws people together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. So, hire Comedian Magician Glenn Strange for your next event and reduce sadness, fuss fights, and related medical expenses.​


Lyric Theater Birmingham
Only a Few Tickets Left
The Good News Is:
Not a Bad Seat In The House
Three on a String – Home for Christmas:
The Warblers
Something Else Trio
Glenn Strange

December 12, Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Three weeks before Christmas, little Johnny asked his mother if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Johnny, having just played a major role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. Johnny went to his room and wrote ‘ Dear Jesus, I’ve been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.’ But he wasn’t very happy when he read it over. So, he decided to try again, and this time he wrote ‘Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.’ He read it back and wasn’t happy with that one either. He tried a third version. ‘Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.’ He read that one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied.

So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time, he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary on the front lawn. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. ‘Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you’d better send me a new bike.’


 

Lyric Theatre, Dec 12, Be There!

Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Christmas a Comin:  Only 25 more sleeps.

SAFETY DRIVING TIPIt must be a law because people start driving crazy on Black Friday and continue until New Year’s day. Please watch for them …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


What to Say:
Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Now, I have something to wear when I shop at Wal-Mart.
8. If I had not just gained 15 pounds, this would fit perfectly.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. What an ideal gift, and it’s fireproof.
5. If my dog destroys this, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. It is true. It is better to give than to receive.
1. You shouldn’t have, I really don’t deserve this.


The Perfect Gift:
A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, his best friend ask, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied. “But no one sells a fake Jeep?”


Make Your Event the Best
Not everyone loves to dance, but everyone loves to laugh. Plan your next special event around Quality Professional Clean Comedy. Go to GlennStrange.com and look at the type audiences Glenn’s performed for.


Less Than 70 Tickets Available
Show Will SELL OUT
Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful 750 seat, Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Sally, a lady about 50 years old walked up and sat on Santa’s lap.

So, Santa smiled and asked, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Sally.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without hesitation, Sally replied, ‘A rich son-in-law.’


 

Laughter = Lasting Memories

Saturday, November 11th, 2017

“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.” ~Yiddish Proverb​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


We Are Different:
1)  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

2)  A man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn’t want.

3)  A woman marries a man expecting he will change but doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.


Last Words:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past 5 years. The NTSB secretly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in 4 wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Watch out!”

In Alabama, 87.6% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, watch this!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I’ve had the privilege of seeing Glenn perform for high school students with their parents, and also senior adults. Glenn was marvelous at connecting with both. He has the unique ability to make the audience feel comfortable and appreciated”
Rev. C. Trammel
Catawba Baptist Church


For Your Entertainment Needs

Make Your Event Great!
Call:  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding. A cop pulls him over, and ask the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The policeman calls for backup. Soon police cars and helicopters are everywhere. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. Before he gets in the backseat, another cop walks up and says, “Sir, Officer Spice informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”​


Laughter Must Be Shared

Friday, November 10th, 2017

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Irish Headstone:
Reilly was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription, “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the 2 of them in one grave?’


Irish Humor At Its Best:

Soon after O’Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. ‘To be sure it was Boss’, he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No, ‘replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Everyone loved Glenn’s show and we can’t wait for the opportunity to work with Glenn again!”
       The EMS Family
Event Management Solutions​



Make Your Event Great!
Call:  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one Saturday night, a policeman spotted O’Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

‘Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had 6 or 7 pints,’ chattered the inebriated O’Callaghan. ‘Then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had 4 or 5 o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend O’Reilly home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later …,’ and O’Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The police officer sighed and said, ‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’

Indignantly, O’Callaghan replied, ‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’​​



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