Posts Tagged ‘Magician’

Share the Laughter-Forward This To A Friend:

Thursday, October 19th, 2017

Only 66 days until Christmas.​

DRIVING TIP:  If you’re having your car serviced and you leave your keys in the ignition for the mechanic to drive your car into the service bay, be sure to first let the driver’s window down before shutting the door. ​Some cars will automatically lock when the door is closed. Please, don’t ask me how I know.

Please be careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence = Wisdom:
1) I’m going to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.
2) I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.
3) I don’t want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.


How Mathematicians Think:
One of the world’s brightest mathematicians was arrested by the police in an airport for smuggling a bomb in his hand luggage.

The math expert says, “You don’t understand! It’s to make the plane safe!!”

One of the police officers asked, “What do you mean by that!?”

The math genius replied, “You see, the chances that a bomb is aboard the plane are extremely small, so the chance of two bombs being on the plane would be practically impossible.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thank you for traveling to Kansas. This made the 3rd time you’ve been in front of our crowd. No matter how often I see you, I’m always cracked up”
       George Painter
Painter Enterprise


If you’re in the Birmingham area, you should not miss this fun evening of laughter, great music, and magic. Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at ​ www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”


 

Share the Laughter

Thursday, October 12th, 2017

Only 19 days until Halloween, 42 days until Thanksgiving, and 74 days until Christmas.​

SAFETY DRIVING TIP: When approaching intersections where oncoming cars are stopped for you, DO NOT make eye contact with the driver. Watch the front of their car to see if it starts to move, but don’t look at the driver. For some reason, they will assume it’s okay to pull out in front of you.  I know, trust me.  Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence = Wisdom:
1) A schoolteacher is a person who used to think they liked children.
2) It’s not the people who are in prison that worry me. It’s the people who aren’t.
3) It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.


Airline Rules:
A lady called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” said the airline employee, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The lady was perplexed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show!  Everyone at Parnell-Martin is still talking about your incredible performance. You mystified and entertained us and kept us laughing too hard.”
S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC​


If you’re in the Birmingham area, you should not miss this fun evening of laughter, great music, and magic. Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com

Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at ​ www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.


PPS – Your Bonus:Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. “I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy field. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.

Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. “I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”


Tornado Safety Tip

Tuesday, October 10th, 2017

“Humor is music to the soul, and you don’t have to carry a tune– just sing along!” – John Richardson
Please share this week’s funnies with someone you care about. (It’s free, and it feels good)

Safety Tip: It’s tornado season, and not everyone has a basement. Have you ever noticed when the news shows the devastation of a tornado that the only thing left standing and unharmed is a lone toilet? I don’t have a basement nor do I live near a train track. So, if I hear the sound of a train, that’s where I’m headed.  Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Dads:

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual, so she asked him if anything was wrong.
Martin replied no that he had been going fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, ‘Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us’.

3 Ponders to Ponder:

1) Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
2) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3) Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“To say people have talked about you since the convention is an understatement. Your act was refreshingly original and one of the funniest we have had ever seen. You will long be remembered as one of top best performers to have graced Upstate Magic Fest.”
      J. Batten
New York Upstate 
Magic Fest



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PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me, too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”


Clean Comedy that’s Not Silly

Thursday, September 28th, 2017

This week’s BONUS funny is one of my all-time favorites.

SAFETY DRIVING TIP: Wearing sunglasses when driving in the rain may improve your ability to see (polarised glasses work best).  Give it a try.  Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence Wisdom:
1) There are three ways to make money. You can inherit it. You can marry it. You can steal it.
2) When tempted to fight fire with fire, keep in mind that the Fire Department usually uses water.
3) Ever notice that the people who arrive late are often much jollier than the people who have been waiting on them?


Rearrange:
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER​

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER ​

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks for an outstanding performance at this years Christmas party …. I appreciate you making me look so good! Rest assured, we will certainly recommend you to others for their corporate functions.”
    Scott Ledford
General Shale Products, LLC



Time to Plan Your Christmas Event
Call with questions. Let’s
make your Event the best ever.

Call 864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:Thank you to subscriber G. Venson, for this weeks bonus funny. 

A sweet grandmother telephoned Tampa General Hospital. She asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone that can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be happy to help you. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Arlene, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”  After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Arlene is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Scott, has scheduled her to be discharged on Wednesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful!  I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Arlene your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Arlene in 302. No one tells me anything.”


 

Clean Humor

Thursday, September 14th, 2017

Hello There,

I hope you are well, dry, and undamaged. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Reminder:  Sometimes, cleaning up and rebuilding after a hurricane can be just as dangerous as the storm. Think about what you’re doing.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Pilot School 101:
1) Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2) If God meant man to fly, He’d have given him more money.
3) The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot sweat.


Speeding:
An elderly couple was driving through Jacksonville, Florida. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Highway Patrol.

Patrolman asks her, ‘Ma’am did you know that you were speeding?’

Irene turns to her husband, Mack, and inquiries, ‘What did he say?’
Mack yells out, ‘He says you were speeding!’

The patrolman said, ‘May I see your license, please ma’ am?’

Irene, once again, turns to Mack and says, ‘What did he say?’
Once more, Mack, shouts out, ‘He wants to see your license!’
Irene gives the patrolman her driving license.

The patrolman says, ‘I see you are from Connecticut. I spent a week there once and had the worst week I’ve ever had.’

Irene turns to Mack and asks, ‘What did he say?’
Mack yells very loudly, ‘He thinks he knows you​!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Those in attendance described the event as ‘hilarious, great time’. and one of the best parties we’ve ever had. I appreciate you making me look so good!”
       Scott Ledford
General Shale Products, LLC

 

 


 
25 or 2500 People
What’s the Key to Making
Your Event a Success?
“EVERYONE LAUGHING
TOGETHER”

Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Thanks to P. Parsons sharing this funny with us.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here’s what happened to Walter:

Walter walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Walter said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Walter what he had… Walter said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Walter to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Walter what he had. Walter said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Walter a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Walter to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Walter sitting patiently in the nude and asked Walter what he had.

Walter said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Walter said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’


Laugh Time

Thursday, August 24th, 2017

Today, August 24, is “National Waffle Day”. Let’s go to the Waffle House and eat a waffle. If you don’t like waffles, there’s always something entertaining happening at the Waffle House. If you don’t believe me, Google waffle house, crazy, and see what pops up.

Speaking of the “Waffle House”.  Please be careful …..  you know how I worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


On the Positive Side:
The parents were very disappointed in the grades their son brought home. “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” said the father, “is that during his exams I know for sure he never cheated.”


Quote to Remember:
“There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.”​ – Albert Einstein​


Quote from Glenn’s Client

“Thanks for an outstanding performance. I appreciate you making me look so good! Rest assured, we will certainly recommend Glenn Strange to others for their functions.”
      Scott Ledford
General Shale Products, LLC​



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Make Your Event Fun
Call 864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:A wealthy man met a beggar on the street. The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

“You poor fellow,” said the wealthy man. “Come with me, and I’ll buy you a drink.”

“Actually, I don’t drink. But I would like something to eat.”

“Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars,” the wealthy man urged.

“Sorry, sir,” said the homeless man. “I don’t smoke.”

“Very well, then come with me to the casino! I’ll put up your stake, and perhaps you’ll win enough to get your life back on track.”

“I don’t gamble either, sir. But I would still very much like a bite to eat.”

“You want to eat?” asked the wealthy man. “Alright, come home with me and have dinner with my family.”

“That’s very kind of you, sir. Thank you!”

“Not at all,” replied the wealthy man. “I just want my wife to see what happens to a man that doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble.”

The Eclipse is Coming & School is Starting

Tuesday, August 15th, 2017

Not only do you get three funnies, but this week’s BONUS is a link that will answer your solar eclipse questions.

SAFETY WARNING: Schools are starting their new year. Remember: Where there are stopped school buses, there are fast moving children. Please be careful ….. I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


School Days:
1) “Well, Johnny, how did your school report card turn out?“ asks the mother.
“Come on mom; the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

2) Patty had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

3) Teacher: “How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?”
    Suzy: “I get up early!”


Lunch Time:
A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”​


Drop Out:
Tommy dropped out of school, and his buddy asked: “Why?”
“I got discouraged, that’s all. I failed every subject except geography.”
“Every subject except geography? How do you explain that?”
“I didn’t take geography!”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We have received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode, reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure.”
    Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
Call 864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:Solar Eclipse Answers:
On Monday August 21, a solar eclipse will cut across the entire United States. And wherever you are, you will be able to see it. Even though the “totality” — the area where the sun is completely blocked out by the moon — is only 70 miles wide, the whole country (even Alaska and Hawaii) will experience a partial eclipse.
CLICK HERE for more interesting details:


 

Almost Weekly Funnies

Thursday, August 10th, 2017

This week, I’m in Pigeon Forge, TN, taking part in a family entertainers conference. I’m honored to be a part of this conference where performers from all parts of the world gather for a full week to share, learn, and improve.

Today, August 10, is “National Lazy Day”. I’m not really sure how one celebrates a day set aside to honor laziness. I guess you just remain stagnant for 24 hours. I’ll call my brother-in-law and ask him. He’s an expert.

SAFETY WARNING: According to a report from “Public Health England”, inactivity and laziness kills as many people as smoking does. Next thing you know, our government will require “Warning Labels” on couches. Please be careful …..  you know how I worry. ​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
2)  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
3)  Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt Delete” and start all over?


A Sense of Humor:
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When the boss noticed that he wasn’t getting a reaction from Mike, the boss ask, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”

“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”​



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
Call 864-439-1369
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Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I have received many, many favorable comments about Glenn’s unique blend of magic and humor. I will gladly provide recommendations to those considering Glenn’s show for meetings and other company functions.”
   K McDowell
Barnett​ Company


Farmer Says:
A farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. “One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked one curious visitor.

“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”

“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”

The farmer answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”

A Time To Laugh

Thursday, August 3rd, 2017

August 3, is “National Watermelon Day”. So, take a watermelon to lunch.

SAFETY WARNING: Watermelons are 91.5% water. So, if you’re planning to travel across a desert, you should take watermelons with you. Remember, they’re hard to carry because they don’t have handles. …..  you know how I worry.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
2)  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
3)  The way some people find fault, you’d think there was some kind of reward.


First Date:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone, so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

Just has he had planned his phone rang at 8:15. He told his date, “Please forgive me; I must take this call.” When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “Mine was scheduled to die at 8:35.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks a million-jillion-gazillion times for the superb performance ….!!!
We have never gotten that kind of positive response from our student body… EVER!!! You certainly were the
right man, with the right cause, at the right time… for all the right reasons!!!”
      M. Walker
Department of Juvenile Justice​


PPS – Your Bonus:

Bank Business
The loans officer says the bank will need security for a $10,000 loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his new Rolls Royce, parked the nearby bank’s parking lot. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground secure garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $10,000, plus interest, which is $25.08. The loans officer says: “We are delighted to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbourside mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”

The man replied: “Where else in New York City, can I park my car safely for two weeks for $25?”


Worry Free Clean Comedy
Everyone Remembers Laughing
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Your Laugh Break For Today

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017

My neighbor’s got a drone and my dog’s got anxiety. I’m just waiting until the day they collide.

I hope your summer’s off to a good start with lots of family laughter and happy memories coming your way.

Enjoy this week’s funnies and remember to be safe traveling. Especially, in the highway construction areas.

You know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Musical Jokes:

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!.”

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.” – Steven Wright


Ask An Expert:

A man went to the Police Station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A guy driving an old Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn Strange did an excellent job for the Employees’ Service Banquet. We will be glad to recommend his performance for any group needing good, clean entertainment.”
       Wade Bowman, Manager
Coats American



Looking for Clean Professional Comedy?
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau.
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