Posts Tagged ‘Magician’

The Eclipse is Coming & School is Starting

Tuesday, August 15th, 2017

Not only do you get three funnies, but this week’s BONUS is a link that will answer your solar eclipse questions.

SAFETY WARNING: Schools are starting their new year. Remember: Where there are stopped school buses, there are fast moving children. Please be careful ….. I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


School Days:
1) “Well, Johnny, how did your school report card turn out?“ asks the mother.
“Come on mom; the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

2) Patty had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

3) Teacher: “How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?”
    Suzy: “I get up early!”


Lunch Time:
A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”​


Drop Out:
Tommy dropped out of school, and his buddy asked: “Why?”
“I got discouraged, that’s all. I failed every subject except geography.”
“Every subject except geography? How do you explain that?”
“I didn’t take geography!”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We have received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode, reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure.”
    Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
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PPS – Your Bonus:Solar Eclipse Answers:
On Monday August 21, a solar eclipse will cut across the entire United States. And wherever you are, you will be able to see it. Even though the “totality” — the area where the sun is completely blocked out by the moon — is only 70 miles wide, the whole country (even Alaska and Hawaii) will experience a partial eclipse.
CLICK HERE for more interesting details:


 

Almost Weekly Funnies

Thursday, August 10th, 2017

This week, I’m in Pigeon Forge, TN, taking part in a family entertainers conference. I’m honored to be a part of this conference where performers from all parts of the world gather for a full week to share, learn, and improve.

Today, August 10, is “National Lazy Day”. I’m not really sure how one celebrates a day set aside to honor laziness. I guess you just remain stagnant for 24 hours. I’ll call my brother-in-law and ask him. He’s an expert.

SAFETY WARNING: According to a report from “Public Health England”, inactivity and laziness kills as many people as smoking does. Next thing you know, our government will require “Warning Labels” on couches. Please be careful …..  you know how I worry. ​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
2)  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
3)  Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt Delete” and start all over?


A Sense of Humor:
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When the boss noticed that he wasn’t getting a reaction from Mike, the boss ask, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”

“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”​



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
Call 864-439-1369
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Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I have received many, many favorable comments about Glenn’s unique blend of magic and humor. I will gladly provide recommendations to those considering Glenn’s show for meetings and other company functions.”
   K McDowell
Barnett​ Company


Farmer Says:
A farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. “One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked one curious visitor.

“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”

“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”

The farmer answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”

A Time To Laugh

Thursday, August 3rd, 2017

August 3, is “National Watermelon Day”. So, take a watermelon to lunch.

SAFETY WARNING: Watermelons are 91.5% water. So, if you’re planning to travel across a desert, you should take watermelons with you. Remember, they’re hard to carry because they don’t have handles. …..  you know how I worry.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
2)  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
3)  The way some people find fault, you’d think there was some kind of reward.


First Date:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone, so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

Just has he had planned his phone rang at 8:15. He told his date, “Please forgive me; I must take this call.” When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “Mine was scheduled to die at 8:35.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks a million-jillion-gazillion times for the superb performance ….!!!
We have never gotten that kind of positive response from our student body… EVER!!! You certainly were the
right man, with the right cause, at the right time… for all the right reasons!!!”
      M. Walker
Department of Juvenile Justice​


PPS – Your Bonus:

Bank Business
The loans officer says the bank will need security for a $10,000 loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his new Rolls Royce, parked the nearby bank’s parking lot. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground secure garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $10,000, plus interest, which is $25.08. The loans officer says: “We are delighted to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbourside mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”

The man replied: “Where else in New York City, can I park my car safely for two weeks for $25?”


Worry Free Clean Comedy
Everyone Remembers Laughing
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Your Laugh Break For Today

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017

My neighbor’s got a drone and my dog’s got anxiety. I’m just waiting until the day they collide.

I hope your summer’s off to a good start with lots of family laughter and happy memories coming your way.

Enjoy this week’s funnies and remember to be safe traveling. Especially, in the highway construction areas.

You know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Musical Jokes:

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!.”

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.” – Steven Wright


Ask An Expert:

A man went to the Police Station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A guy driving an old Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn Strange did an excellent job for the Employees’ Service Banquet. We will be glad to recommend his performance for any group needing good, clean entertainment.”
       Wade Bowman, Manager
Coats American



Looking for Clean Professional Comedy?
Call
864-439-1369
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Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
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Take a Minute to Laugh

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

June 15th is National Smile Power Day.  This is a day for everyone to share the power of the smile.

Your smile cost you nothing but can be priceless to those that care about you.

Remember: Worn tires make all roads dangerous. Replace your tires before you hear the sound of breaking glass ….. you know how I worry.


Nonsense:

1) You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
2) Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
3) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Traffic Signs:

A cop pulls over a car with 5 nuns on their way to an out of town meeting.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“The response from everyone has been overwhelmingly positive. We are still laughing at some of your jokes and the sight of our distinguished administrator on stage with you.”
        Debra Hancock, Rn, CNN
Dialysis Clinics, Inc.


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Call   864-439-1369
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Understanding Why

Aman woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the 1st bottle swearing, “You’re the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the 2nd bottle, “You’re the reason my children don’t speak to me”.

He smashed the 3rd bottle, “You’re the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the 4th bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for a moment and said, “You stand aside. I know you were not involved”.


Time For Your Laugh Break

Saturday, July 29th, 2017

Because of June 22, being “National Onion Ring Day”, your bonus this week in a mouth-watering fried onion ring recipe.

Remember: It only takes a second to change someone’s life. Keep your little ones and yourself safe. Use the back burners for cooking and turn your pot and pan handles away from the edge of the stove. ….. you know how I worry.


Wisdom:
1)  If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2)  Age is a high price for maturity.
3)  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


Shopping:
A 56-year-old man walked into a hardware store.
Clerk:  “May I help you find something?”
Man:  “How about my misspent youth.”
Clerk: “Oh, we keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”


Lost Wife:
Husband: My wife’s missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff:  Height?
Husband:  I’m not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff:  Weight?
Husband:  She won’t tell me. She’s not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff:  Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed.
Sheriff:  Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year, not sure. I can’t remember.
Sheriff:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt. I don’t know exactly.
Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:  She went in my truck.
Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?
Husband:  A pearl white, 2016 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching bed cover. Leather seats and Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with a sunroof (never been opened), GPS navigation, 8 cup holders, a USB port, and 4 power outlets. Special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a large scratch on the driver’s door.
At this point, the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it, easy sir, we’ll find your truck!


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show!  Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance.  He mystified, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
S. Cash
        The Parnell-Martin Companies


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Call   864-439-1369
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PSS – Your Bonus Onion Ring Recipe:Serves 4 people
INGREDIENTS:
1) Two Large Onions
2) One cup all-purpose flour
3) Two cups buttermilk
4) One tablespoon sugar
5) One teaspoon baking powder
6) Half teaspoon salt
7) Peanut oil
DIRECTIONS:
1) Cut onions into 1/2-inch slices, and separate into rings.
2) Set aside.
3) Whisk together flour and next 4 ingredients until smooth.
4) Pour 2″ depth oil into a Dutch oven (heavy cooking pot); heat to 375°.
5) Dip onion rings in batter, coating well.
6) Fry, a few rings at a time, until golden.
7) Drain on paper towels.
8) Serve immediately.


 

Take a Laugh Break

Thursday, July 27th, 2017

July 13, is National French Fry Day.
“The reason I eat french fries is so, I’ll have somewhere to put my Ketchup.” – Glenn Strange

SAFETY WARNING: Texting while driving can lead to misspelled words ….. Please be careful, you know how I worry.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
2)  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
3)  Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


Game Time:
A college football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate… what is 2 plus 2?”

The player thought for a moment, and then he answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thank you so much for your great and very funny performance. We rotate the annual meeting around to all 13 southern states, and the comments from many participants indicated this was the ’best show in years’ I know I enjoyed it more than any of the entertainment programs I’ve attended.”
       W. Lazenby
Georgia Forestry Commission


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Make Your Event One They Will Remember
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Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
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Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau
GOLF
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”

The other ant said, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”



Glenn Strange Funnies #3

Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

When I first read that July 20, is “National Moon Day”, I was confused if the word “Moon” was used as a noun or a verb. Thank goodness it’s used as a noun.

July 20, commemorates the day Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin first walked on the moon in 1969. Poor old Michael Collins had to remain alone on the bus and keep the motor running until Armstrong and Aldrin returned. Talk about a bummer, that’s like taking your girlfriend home to meet your parents and your brother winds up taking on a date that next weekend. But, I’m over that now.

SAFETY WARNING: When you’re at a wedding, and people throw rice, keep your mouth closed. My friend choked on his wedding day. ….. Please be careful; you know how I worry.


Magnetic Resonance Imaging:
A man came into the clinic to have an MRI. He was put into the machine by a very young female technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman.

The man remarked, “How long was I in there?”


Game Time:
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about  six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve  observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed  you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said,  “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To which his dad responded, ”Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client

“He left’em begging for more and wanting to know…”When can we have Glenn come again?”
          Dink NeSmith, President
Community Newspapers, Inc.


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Make Your Event One They Will Remember
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

Best Job In the World

Thursday, February 26th, 2015

The TV weather-person has to be the best job in the world. They never get fired for being wrong, they receive praises when they call it right, and their boss lets them play outside when it snows.

WEATHER ALART: It’s snowing in SC tonight. Please remember to keep fresh unfrozen water and food for your outside pets, the wild birds, and the TV weather people. They’re all outside and unable to care for themselves.

weather

Good Foot Brian Williams …. What a Guy

Saturday, February 14th, 2015

brian-williams

I first met Brian Williams in 2004, where we finished 5th and 6th in the New York City Marathon. We became best friends in 2005, at the Quebec Winter Triathlon. Where he twisted his ankle on a used water bottle and was ready to give up. I threw him on my back and we tied for 9th.

Brian was devastated because he believed, and was convinced he would be unable to compete in running events for at least a year. After all, that’s what his doctor, Dr. Oz had told him. Brian was slipping into a deep depression. He was losing his passion for running.

I had to do something, and do it quickly. That’s when I came up with the brilliant idea that Brian and I would team up to go on the Southeastern Three Legged Sack Race Circuit. Just to verify my plan, I contacted my personal friend, Dr. Phil. He was in the middle of show taping, but for some reason, on that day he took my call during a commercial break. He agreed that my plan of competing in Three Legged Sack Races would be a good activity to keep Brian from depression. He also said, he wished he had thought of it. Little did I know how competitive Brian would be by using just his good foot.

That 2005 summer we entered and won every Three Legged Sack Race on the Southeastern Circuit. Over 23 races within a 16 week period. It was an extremely tiring, demanding, and grueling schedule. Lots of farm day festivals, county fairs, and medium size church picnics.

23 first place wins! I don’t think I’ve every witnessed anyone equal to Brian’s strong determination, confidence, and his laser like focus. … Brian Williams …. what a guy.

THE REST OF THE STORY
So, now you know where the slogan, “Put Your Best Foot Forward”  came from…. Thank you,  Brian Williams …. what a guy.

written and lied by Glenn Strange 2015ⓒ

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