Posts Tagged ‘magic’

Horse for Sale

Thursday, May 17th, 2018

Enjoy this week’s funnies and share them with a friend.

Be careful on the highways … the roads may be slick …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Weighing In At:
A woman caught her husband standing on the bathroom scales and sucking in his stomach.
Wife:  “Dear, you know, that won’t help?”
Husband:  “Oh it helps a lot, it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”


Why English is Confusing:
1) The soldier decided to *desert* his dessert in the *desert*.
2) Since there is no time like the *present*, he thought it  was time to  *present* the *present*.
3) He could *lead* if he would get the *lead* out.


Glenn’s Client Says:
“Thank you for your wonderful performance at our annual convention in Destin, FL. All the comments have been very positive and complimentary. Your magic and comedy appealed to both children and adults, and that made the evening a tremendous success.”

        Doris Hydrick
Alabama Manufactured Housing Institute


Laughter at Pinehurst Resort!


Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
A young man named Don bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Don’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Don replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Don said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Don said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Don said, “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Don and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Don said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Don said, “Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his five dollars back.”

Never Assume

Thursday, May 10th, 2018

To find out a time when you should never assume, read the bonus joke at the end.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


That One kid:
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?

Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”


Why English is Hard:
1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound*.
2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.
3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse*.


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Glenn, your show was GREAT! I heard many favorable comments. We thank you for performing at the ‘Lyric Theatre’ and hope you can come back.
        Brant Beene – Executive Director
Lyric Theatre and Alabama Theatre


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
The Bulletin Newspaper photographer’s request was approved, and he quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He only had 2 hours to make his news deadline. He was told a twin-engine plane would be running and waiting for him when he arrived at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the twin-engine warming up outside a hanger. Holding his camera bag, he jumped in the seat beside the pilot, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over Mount Stuart and make a few low passes over the fires on the hillsides.’ ‘Why?’ asked the pilot. ‘Because I’m a photographer for the Bulletin’ he responded,’and I need to get some close aerial shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . .. You’re NOT my flight instructor?’


I Don’t Think That’s True …

Thursday, May 3rd, 2018

I just read on the internet that it’s It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. I really don’t think that’s true, because I’ve never seen a cow on the second floor.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Kids:
Teacher:“Who can tell me 5 wild animals?”
Little Johnny:“2 lions & 3 wolves.”


Dog Value:
Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know a dog that’s worth $10,000.’

‘Really?’ replies the other man. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much?’


Glenn’s Client Says:

“It was a fun time we so enjoyed it. We will go see him perform anytime. Sides still hurting from all the laughter. Thank you.”
         Dorothy Bronson
Audience Member


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A married couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the husband gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen,” he replies.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream — I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says… “Where’s my toast?

What Would You Call A ….

Thursday, April 26th, 2018

I’ve been wondering, “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Definitions:
What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.


Did you know?
Chocolate makes your clothes shrink?


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Both the Chairperson and our CEO made a point of telling me how much they enjoyed Glenn’s show. Many thanks to Glenn Strange for making our holiday party a huge success and for making me look REALLY good in front of my boss!”
      Keith McDonald, PHR
Justice Federal Credit Union
Washington, DC


Making Events Successful


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

 


PPS – Your Bonus:
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer

Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” questioned the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”


 

 

Take the rest of the week off …

Thursday, April 19th, 2018

Hello,

After you read this week’s funnies and forward this email to your friends, you may take the rest of the week off … with pay. If anyone complains, have them call me, and I’ll take care of it.

Have a great long weekend. Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Ask the Dentist:
Patient:  Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist:  Wear a brown tie!


Golf:

The golfer called one of the caddies over and said, “I want a caddie who is honest, dependable, and respectful. What is 3, plus 4, plus 5 add up to?”
“10 sir,” said the caddie.
“Good, you’ll do perfectly.”


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Our Annual Quarter Century Banquet was a huge success, due to your outstanding performance. Thank you for making our banquet one that we shall not soon forget. I hope we will be able to work together again.”
          Alfreada Walker
Mount Vernon Mills, Inc.


Make Your Event “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
Little Noah was sent back to bed for the seventh time that evening, and his mommy is not amused.

She says, “Noah, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that,’ you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!”

Noah climbs the long stairs to his room, crawls up into his bed, and then there’s a short pause …… “Mrs. Lambden, May I have a glass of water please.”


Good News … Bad News

Thursday, April 12th, 2018

The Good News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.
The Bad News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.

So, you might as well laugh. Enjoy this week’s funnies.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Neighbors:
I’ve always thought my neighbors were friendly people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.


Little Johnny:
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”

Teacher snaps, “No, no, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”


Glenn’s Client Says:
“My ribs were sour for two days. The party was the talk of the office, and your comedy was recapped ever and over again, making each laugh more painful.”
       Lisa Mixner Ellis
Mesa Associates, Inc.


Making Events “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
A couple getting away from their high-stress jobs planned a relaxing week in their motorhome. They found their peace and quiet was being disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.

They then devised a way to assure themselves some privacy. They placed this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance Agent Inside. Ask About Our Term-Life Package.”


I wouldn’t do it, but you could …

Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

Only 9 days until April Fool’s Day. You could place a rubble spider in the banana displace at the grocery store. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Father and Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


My Son’s a Doctor:
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.

The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”


 

 

 

 

17 Days Until April Fool’s Day

Thursday, March 15th, 2018

Only 17 days until April Fool’s Day. Time to start planning. Please be careful … you know how I worry. Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Golf:
“I never play a full round of golf. I start with a dozen balls. When they’re gone, the game is over.” – Glenn Strange


The Job Interview:
Job Interviewer: “And Mr. Ortiz, where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”
Mr. Ortiz: “Personally, I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:A pregnant lady is in a car accident. While in a coma she has twins (a boy & a girl). When she woke up, she asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said they were beautiful, healthy boy and girl twins and that her brother had named them. She thought,”My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them.” So, she asked the doctor, “What did he name the girl?” “Denise”, replied the doctor. That’s not so bad.”What about the boy”, she asked. “Denephew”


Share a Laugh Today

Thursday, February 15th, 2018

I appreciate you taking your time to read these funnies. Pass them along to your friends. Have a great week!

Please be careful ….. call me when you get there … you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Small Town Doctor:
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 15 lbs 10 oz.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

2)  Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 8 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel with a pair of pliers.

3) Remember back when we were kids, and every time it was below zero out they closed school?  Me neither.


Laughter Is Important:
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. — Victor Borge 


An Event Without Laughter is Soon Forgotten.
Make your Event Rememberable.
Call for Glenn Strange

864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
These are from actual courtroom records published in a book called “Disorder in the Courts”, By Charles Sevilla
Passed along to me by R. Vinson.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where are you, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your Date of Birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What Year?
WITNESS: Every Year.

“National Kite Flying Day”

Thursday, February 8th, 2018

Hello << Test First Name >>,

Today, February 8, is “National Kite Flying Day”. So, it’s okay to tell someone to, “Go fly a kite.”

Please be careful ….. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Don’t Worry:
Why worry about gaining a few extra pounds? Fat people are harder to kidnap.


Good Career Choice:
A plumber was called to a doctor’s home to fix leaking faucet that had kept the surgeon awake the night before. After twenty minutes, the plumber handed the doctor a bill for $150.

The surgeon exclaimed, ‘I don’t charge this amount, and I’m a surgeon!”

The plumber replied, “neither did I when I was a surgeon.”


Quote To Live By:
A day without laughter is a day wasted. — Charlie Chaplin


Specializing In

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
An elderly couple noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down, so they don’t forget.

They went home, and the lady asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband, and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends over 30 minutes in the kitchen. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s my toast?”

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