Posts Tagged ‘magic’

Lyric Theatre, Dec 12, Be There!

Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Christmas a Comin:  Only 25 more sleeps.

SAFETY DRIVING TIPIt must be a law because people start driving crazy on Black Friday and continue until New Year’s day. Please watch for them …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


What to Say:
Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Now, I have something to wear when I shop at Wal-Mart.
8. If I had not just gained 15 pounds, this would fit perfectly.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. What an ideal gift, and it’s fireproof.
5. If my dog destroys this, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. It is true. It is better to give than to receive.
1. You shouldn’t have, I really don’t deserve this.


The Perfect Gift:
A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, his best friend ask, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied. “But no one sells a fake Jeep?”


Make Your Event the Best
Not everyone loves to dance, but everyone loves to laugh. Plan your next special event around Quality Professional Clean Comedy. Go to GlennStrange.com and look at the type audiences Glenn’s performed for.


Less Than 70 Tickets Available
Show Will SELL OUT
Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful 750 seat, Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Sally, a lady about 50 years old walked up and sat on Santa’s lap.

So, Santa smiled and asked, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Sally.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without hesitation, Sally replied, ‘A rich son-in-law.’


 

Hallmark Christmas Stories

Monday, November 20th, 2017

Well, it’s only the beginning of December and I’ve already had my fill of Hallmark Christmas movies. This year they started airing on November 5. All 22 new versions of the same old plot, with different faces. Everyone’s still whispering their lines, and you can hear soft jingling, tinkling bells in the background all through the entire show. Throughout the movie, you’re pulling for 2 people to realize they’re perfect for each other. Somewhere in the last 5 minutes, they give up, fall in love, the music gets louder, and snow starts falling. THE END. The only difference I see this year is that all the characters have upgraded their mobile phone service, and they’re using smartphones.  I’m just waiting to see if one of the characters has a pocket battery explosion. Probably not going to happen, cause that would add excitement, and that’s something no Hallmark movie has ever had. Thanks for listing. Pass me the tissues.IMG_0069 - Version 2 – Version 3

Laughter Must Be Shared

Friday, November 10th, 2017

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Irish Headstone:
Reilly was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription, “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the 2 of them in one grave?’


Irish Humor At Its Best:

Soon after O’Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. ‘To be sure it was Boss’, he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No, ‘replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Everyone loved Glenn’s show and we can’t wait for the opportunity to work with Glenn again!”
       The EMS Family
Event Management Solutions​



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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one Saturday night, a policeman spotted O’Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

‘Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had 6 or 7 pints,’ chattered the inebriated O’Callaghan. ‘Then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had 4 or 5 o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend O’Reilly home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later …,’ and O’Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The police officer sighed and said, ‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’

Indignantly, O’Callaghan replied, ‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’​​



Don’t Know Why I’ve Been This Happy

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Tip:  This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies. Safety Tip: This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills. Please be careful ….. you know how I worry. Glenn Strange PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
2). If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3). I intend to live forever. So far so good.


Don’t Ask:
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “No sweetie.”

The wife said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the husband said, “Okay, I probably would”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the husband replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”​​


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Glenn was great last night, at St. Johnsbury Academy, in St. Johnsbury, VT. I found it gut splitting funny, my hubby and I laughed so hard!”
         Deborah Frenetic
Stanstead, Quebec, Canada​



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PPS – Your Bonus:

The Devil Made Me Do It:
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but were unhurt. This must be some kind of a sign.”

The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.”

“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

“Aren’t you going to have any? asks the priest.

“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”


 

April Fools Can Be Any Month

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

“I have great faith in fools — self-confidence, my friends call it.” – Edgar Allan Poe

Make someone laugh today. It’ll make you and them happier.

Today’s Safety Tip: “Remember, your first mistake can also be your last.”  Please be careful on the highways and in old abandoned wells… you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s BONUS funny at the very end.


April 1, Jokes to Try:
1)  Call your dentist office and remind them that you do not have an appointment next week.
2)  Hang a scented air fresheners all over someone’s office door.
3)  Place strong magnets inside a McDonald’s bag, locate the bag on the roof of your car and drive around.


Earth Science Question:

The teacher was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a long silence, a voice came from the back of the room, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”


What Glenn’s Client Said:
“I have never heard the residents laugh so hard or so much. Your show was professional, funny and very entertaining.”
      Bonnie Williams
Activities Director​



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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Teacher: “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”​​


The Million Dollar Question

Tuesday, November 7th, 2017

The teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars.
The next day Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.
“Alex!” yelled the teacher, “you’ve done nothing. Why?”
“Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!”

Be careful, if you hear something that sounds like a tornado, it might be a train. Either one can hurt you …. you know how I worry,

Have a happy day,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Questions to Ponder:
1) Is the ‘S’ or ‘C’ silent in the word ‘scent’?
2) If a tomato is a fruit, why isn’t ketchup a smoothie?
3) Why Isn’t 11 pronounced onety-one?


The Farmer Said

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle but was meeting with considerable resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” ressponded the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your stage presence and rapport with the audience was superb. During your medicine eating routine, one person had to leave to go to the bathroom because he couldn’t handle any more laughter.”
      J. Malone
American Equipment Co., Inc.​



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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
The banker pulled out the loan application.
“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian.
“Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t understand collateral,” replied the Indian
“Well, that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
“Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes.  1978 Ford pickup,” replied the Indian
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the Indian
“How old is it?” the banker asks.
“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the Indian
Finally, the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” the banker asks.
“Keep at home.”, replied the Indian
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” the banker asked.
“Don’t understand deposit,” replied the Indian
“You put the money in our bank, and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk and asked the banker…
“What you got for collateral?”​


Don’t Let the Funny Pass You By

Monday, November 6th, 2017

“Follow your gut, and take your brain with you” ….. you know how I worry,

Be happy,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Johnny, I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.”
Johnny: “Life imprisonment”


Engine Trouble:

A 747 airplane was having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A couple of minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn’s show was sensational. I will take great pride in recommending him to others. His performance was exceptional!”
       L.Holder
Blue Ridge Electric Co-op



Everyone Loves to Laugh
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.  One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up.  “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”


Laughter: Life’s Common Denominator

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

Did you know a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana? It’s true; it’s on the internet. I just wonder what they did to the guy that sold the monkey the cigarette?

“Remember, there’s a reason George Washington never text and drove at the same time ….. please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”


News:

At the doctor’s office, Tom was having his yearly checkup. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show! Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance …. He mystified us, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
      S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In 1999, an elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

The customs officer sarcastically​ asked,”You have been to France before, monsieur?”

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The gentleman said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible, Americans’ always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach, on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


Laughing Employees = Loyal Customers

Saturday, November 4th, 2017

A Little Known Fact:  Roses are RED, and Violets are VIOLET.

“Remember, “A rat can last longer without water than a camel, but a rat’s harder to ride.”

Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Go make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


State Slogans:
Alabama:  “At Least We’re Not Mississippi”
California:  “As Seen on TV”

Rhode Island: “We’re Not Really an Island”

You’ll Never Hear a Southern Boy Say:

1)  “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
2)  “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
3) “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your show was very well received by our employees and their guest.  The comments made were all very complimentary.  Thank you for providing us with good wholesome entertainment.”
      Pat Shaddy, Human Resources
Amana​



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
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PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
One beautiful autumn day, a park ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead bald eagle. “Hey mister, the bald eagle is a protected species, and killing one is a punishable offense,” said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle, he would have died from starvation.

“I was so hungry,” complained the defensive camper, “the bald eagle was the only food I could find!”

To everyone’s amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I’d like to know: What did it taste like?”

The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”


Laughter is the Best Medicine

Thursday, November 2nd, 2017

Today is”National Men Make Dinner Day”. Who gets to decide this kind of stuff anyway? Men are supposed to plan the menu (no BBQ. pizza, or grilling allowed). Purchase the ingredients, prepare, serve, and clean up. Looks like I’m passing out “Buy One Get One Free” Whopper Burger coupons.

WARNING: Only 53 days until Christmas! ​​​Those “Hallmark Christmas Stories” started airing October 27. Same story over and over, with different faces.​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Semi-Wisdom:
1) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
2)  How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you’re on.
3)  Shopping Tip: You can get shoes for under $2.50 at most bowling alleys.


Health and Fitness:
My gym has a new machine. Only used it for half an hour, as I started feeling sick.  It’s a great machine. It has everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, and more.​


Highly Recommended
I’m excited, and I highly recommend you experience this hilarious musical group, “Three On a String”. Trust me! If you love great music and love laughing, you will be thoroughly entertained.​I first worked with these guys over 20 years ago, and we became instant friends.  (Well, at least I like them) They’re naturally funny and amazing musicians. Between them, they play over 25 instruments. Their programs contain bluegrass, folk, rock, country, a little rap, and even the classics. Did I mention they are funny?

Tickets for “Three On a String” performance are the perfect Christmas gift for your friends and family. Tickets are easy to purchase online, and they’re easy to wrap.  ​


Who? “Three on a String”
Where? Newberry Opera House on January 6, 2018
What? Great music, hilarious storytelling and comedy skits
Why? Once you see them, you’ll never forget them
Ticket Information: Click Here

PPS – Your Bonus:

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Sam asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Well, first,” he replied, “you ask him a simple question which he should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made 3 voyages around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Sam thought for a moment, and then asked, “Do you have another example? I’ve never been much of a history buff?”

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