Posts Tagged ‘humorous speaker’

The Eclipse is Coming & School is Starting

Tuesday, August 15th, 2017

Not only do you get three funnies, but this week’s BONUS is a link that will answer your solar eclipse questions.

SAFETY WARNING: Schools are starting their new year. Remember: Where there are stopped school buses, there are fast moving children. Please be careful ….. I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


School Days:
1) “Well, Johnny, how did your school report card turn out?“ asks the mother.
“Come on mom; the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

2) Patty had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

3) Teacher: “How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?”
    Suzy: “I get up early!”


Lunch Time:
A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”​


Drop Out:
Tommy dropped out of school, and his buddy asked: “Why?”
“I got discouraged, that’s all. I failed every subject except geography.”
“Every subject except geography? How do you explain that?”
“I didn’t take geography!”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We have received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode, reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure.”
    Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
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PPS – Your Bonus:Solar Eclipse Answers:
On Monday August 21, a solar eclipse will cut across the entire United States. And wherever you are, you will be able to see it. Even though the “totality” — the area where the sun is completely blocked out by the moon — is only 70 miles wide, the whole country (even Alaska and Hawaii) will experience a partial eclipse.
CLICK HERE for more interesting details:


 

A Time To Laugh

Thursday, August 3rd, 2017

August 3, is “National Watermelon Day”. So, take a watermelon to lunch.

SAFETY WARNING: Watermelons are 91.5% water. So, if you’re planning to travel across a desert, you should take watermelons with you. Remember, they’re hard to carry because they don’t have handles. …..  you know how I worry.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
2)  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
3)  The way some people find fault, you’d think there was some kind of reward.


First Date:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone, so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

Just has he had planned his phone rang at 8:15. He told his date, “Please forgive me; I must take this call.” When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “Mine was scheduled to die at 8:35.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks a million-jillion-gazillion times for the superb performance ….!!!
We have never gotten that kind of positive response from our student body… EVER!!! You certainly were the
right man, with the right cause, at the right time… for all the right reasons!!!”
      M. Walker
Department of Juvenile Justice​


PPS – Your Bonus:

Bank Business
The loans officer says the bank will need security for a $10,000 loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his new Rolls Royce, parked the nearby bank’s parking lot. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground secure garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $10,000, plus interest, which is $25.08. The loans officer says: “We are delighted to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbourside mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”

The man replied: “Where else in New York City, can I park my car safely for two weeks for $25?”


Worry Free Clean Comedy
Everyone Remembers Laughing
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Your Laugh Break For Today

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017

My neighbor’s got a drone and my dog’s got anxiety. I’m just waiting until the day they collide.

I hope your summer’s off to a good start with lots of family laughter and happy memories coming your way.

Enjoy this week’s funnies and remember to be safe traveling. Especially, in the highway construction areas.

You know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Musical Jokes:

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!.”

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.” – Steven Wright


Ask An Expert:

A man went to the Police Station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A guy driving an old Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn Strange did an excellent job for the Employees’ Service Banquet. We will be glad to recommend his performance for any group needing good, clean entertainment.”
       Wade Bowman, Manager
Coats American



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Take a Minute to Laugh

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

June 15th is National Smile Power Day.  This is a day for everyone to share the power of the smile.

Your smile cost you nothing but can be priceless to those that care about you.

Remember: Worn tires make all roads dangerous. Replace your tires before you hear the sound of breaking glass ….. you know how I worry.


Nonsense:

1) You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
2) Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
3) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Traffic Signs:

A cop pulls over a car with 5 nuns on their way to an out of town meeting.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“The response from everyone has been overwhelmingly positive. We are still laughing at some of your jokes and the sight of our distinguished administrator on stage with you.”
        Debra Hancock, Rn, CNN
Dialysis Clinics, Inc.


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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Understanding Why

Aman woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the 1st bottle swearing, “You’re the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the 2nd bottle, “You’re the reason my children don’t speak to me”.

He smashed the 3rd bottle, “You’re the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the 4th bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for a moment and said, “You stand aside. I know you were not involved”.


Time For Your Laugh Break

Saturday, July 29th, 2017

Because of June 22, being “National Onion Ring Day”, your bonus this week in a mouth-watering fried onion ring recipe.

Remember: It only takes a second to change someone’s life. Keep your little ones and yourself safe. Use the back burners for cooking and turn your pot and pan handles away from the edge of the stove. ….. you know how I worry.


Wisdom:
1)  If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2)  Age is a high price for maturity.
3)  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


Shopping:
A 56-year-old man walked into a hardware store.
Clerk:  “May I help you find something?”
Man:  “How about my misspent youth.”
Clerk: “Oh, we keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”


Lost Wife:
Husband: My wife’s missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff:  Height?
Husband:  I’m not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff:  Weight?
Husband:  She won’t tell me. She’s not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff:  Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed.
Sheriff:  Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year, not sure. I can’t remember.
Sheriff:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt. I don’t know exactly.
Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:  She went in my truck.
Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?
Husband:  A pearl white, 2016 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching bed cover. Leather seats and Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with a sunroof (never been opened), GPS navigation, 8 cup holders, a USB port, and 4 power outlets. Special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a large scratch on the driver’s door.
At this point, the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it, easy sir, we’ll find your truck!


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show!  Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance.  He mystified, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
S. Cash
        The Parnell-Martin Companies


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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PSS – Your Bonus Onion Ring Recipe:Serves 4 people
INGREDIENTS:
1) Two Large Onions
2) One cup all-purpose flour
3) Two cups buttermilk
4) One tablespoon sugar
5) One teaspoon baking powder
6) Half teaspoon salt
7) Peanut oil
DIRECTIONS:
1) Cut onions into 1/2-inch slices, and separate into rings.
2) Set aside.
3) Whisk together flour and next 4 ingredients until smooth.
4) Pour 2″ depth oil into a Dutch oven (heavy cooking pot); heat to 375°.
5) Dip onion rings in batter, coating well.
6) Fry, a few rings at a time, until golden.
7) Drain on paper towels.
8) Serve immediately.


 

Time For A Laugh Break

Friday, July 28th, 2017

June 29, is National Camera Day. George Eastman did not invent the camera, but he did improve the use, ease, and production of the camera, making it available to the world. I just discovered that I can actually make phone calls with my camera. Amazing!


July 4 Fun Facts:
1)  Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson served on the committee that picked the eagle for the national seal (Franklin wanted the turkey).
2)  Bald eagles have few natural enemies and live only in North America.
3)  Bald eagles get their white head and tail feathers about 4/5 years of age.
4)  Bald eagles are not, and never were bald. The term comes from when “bald” meant “white-headed”.
5)  Their maximum speed: 40 mph or over 100 mph while in a dive.
6)  Bald eagles mate for life, but if one dies, the survivor will accept a new mate.
7)  The only other kind of eagle in North America is the golden eagle.
8)  They can lift roughly half their body weight.
9)  The Bald Eagle is no longer considered endangered, and now only threatened.
10) It is a felony to shoot an eagle.


4th of July & Barbeque:
A man was out for a walk one day, and on his travels, he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.

“This is no ordinary pig,” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire department and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”

“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned – knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.”

The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said: “Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?”

“Well,” said the farmer “when you’ve got a pig as good as that, you don’t eat him all at once!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn’s combination of magic and comedy made our celebration a huge success.  People are still talking about his “Mind Reading Kit.”
      James Harlan
Eastman Kodak


Humorous & Thought Provoking Quotes of Benjamin Franklin (1705-1790)
1) “Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise.”
2) “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.”
3) “Fish and visitors smell in three days.”
4) “Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.”
5) “Well done is better than well said.”
6) “There never was a good war nor a bad peace.”
7) “Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”
8)  “Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. ”
9)  “Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?”
10) “Little strokes fell great oaks.”


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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Glenn Strange Funnies #3

Tuesday, July 25th, 2017

When I first read that July 20, is “National Moon Day”, I was confused if the word “Moon” was used as a noun or a verb. Thank goodness it’s used as a noun.

July 20, commemorates the day Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin first walked on the moon in 1969. Poor old Michael Collins had to remain alone on the bus and keep the motor running until Armstrong and Aldrin returned. Talk about a bummer, that’s like taking your girlfriend home to meet your parents and your brother winds up taking on a date that next weekend. But, I’m over that now.

SAFETY WARNING: When you’re at a wedding, and people throw rice, keep your mouth closed. My friend choked on his wedding day. ….. Please be careful; you know how I worry.


Magnetic Resonance Imaging:
A man came into the clinic to have an MRI. He was put into the machine by a very young female technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman.

The man remarked, “How long was I in there?”


Game Time:
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.  His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about  six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve  observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed  you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said,  “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To which his dad responded, ”Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client

“He left’em begging for more and wanting to know…”When can we have Glenn come again?”
          Dink NeSmith, President
Community Newspapers, Inc.


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Make Your Event One They Will Remember
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Hallmark Channel Overdose

Sunday, November 30th, 2014

I feel I’ll throw up, if I have to watch another “Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie”. My wife took possession of the TV remote Thanksgiving night. It’s now only the first part of December, and I’ve already had enough Christmas. Every Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie has the same basic storyline. All they do is change the faces, the names, and the “Welcome To” sign, at the edge of some small town. And, every character in the movie speaks with a low soft voice like they’re visiting the family at a funeral home.

A typical Hallmark storyline goes like this: Beautiful small town girl can’t wait to grow up, graduate college, and move to the big city to land a high paying corporate job, become famous, and live the dream life married to a wealthy doctor. After about 10 years of being away from her small hometown, she’s forced to return to care for one or both of her aging and/or dying parents. She returns home divorced by the doctor, and with a 6 year old daughter. She’s forced to take a job in retail for a friend of the family’s gift shop.

One day as she’s walking on her hometown downtown sidewalk, she runs into her old sweetheart. The guy she dated when she was a cheerleader and he was the high school star quarterback. It seems, 3 years ago, his wife was killed in a single car accident, on a rain-slickened highway. He’s still grieving and suffering from nightmares. He feels it was his fault, because of his low paying job, he couldn’t afford a new set of Michelins. Now, he’s a single dad with a handsome little boy, that just happens to be the same exact age as her beautiful daughter.

They mess around in the movie for a good 50 to 60 minutes. One’s in love with the other and the other keeps fighting it. Then with 12 minutes left in the movie, it’s always Christmas time. (I can still hear that Hallmark bell tinkling sound in the background. Same music that’s used in every Hallmark Movie.) Well, they finally agree that they’re in love and should get marry, because that’s what they should’ve done when they were young. The last scene is at night, and everyone in town’s happy, singing Christmas songs in the park, and it’s snowing like crazy. THE END. Pass me another Kleenex, and get ready cause there’s another one a comin on.

Sorry, thanks for listening. I feel better now.

A True Tooth Tale

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

I’m in an oral surgeon’s waiting room, and it’s 8:30, eastern day light savings time on a Friday morning.  The reason I’m here started 5 years ago when my then dentist suggested one of my tooth fillings needed to be replaced.  His reasoning was, because of the filling’s age, there could be undetectable decay under the filling. I guess similar to bottom rot on a tomato. He went on to explain that today’s new filling compounds were much improved and would last longer. (Note: When shopping for medical care for yourself, your family, or your dog, it’s wise to avoid practices with names that contain words like: Outlet, Express, or Depot.) Now keep in mind, this tooth was perfectly happy and had never caused myself or anyone in my immediate family any aggravation, irritation, or pain. So, believing and trusting in my doctor’s dental wisdom, I gave him the “go-ahead” to replace the filling.

To make a long story short, my once happy tooth was over filled resulting in bite alignment problems, pain, many trips to the dentist, TMJ, and a cracked tooth.  I went through 5 years, 5 dentists, grinding, re-shaping, polishing, a crown, a root canal, and ended up with a sharp pain when I used the tooth for biting food.   So, I finally gave up and made an appointment to have the once happy tooth extracted. And, that’s why I was in the oral surgeon’s waiting room at 8:30 on a Friday morning.

After a brief wait, I was soon escorted to the operatory, assisted into a horizontal baby blue dental chair, and received a matching blue dental bib that was chained and alligator clipped around my neck.  I’ve been told that the color blue brings out my eyes, but that day my eyes would be mostly shut. The doctor soon walked into the room, shook my hand, and entered into my mouth. I suspect he’s on a production based salary, because he’s not taking time to ask about the weather, my kids, or how my mama’s doing. He only asked me to verify the problem tooth. Which made me think, that some time in the past, he had failed to ask someone that question.  I told him it was on my top right side, next to last tooth. I said, “It’s easy to find because it’s got the letters “K” ,”I”, “A”  stenciled on it.” He ask why the 3 letters. I said, “Because I could have bought a “KIA” for what I’ve spent on that one tooth.” By his lack of response, I don’t think he even knew what a KIA was. Now that really surprises me, because all the people I know that work on a production based salary own at least one KIA.

After numbing me from my shoulders up, the doctor and his assistant went straight to work moving in and out of my mouth like a precision marching team.  I’m busy taking care of everything on my end. You know, important things like short heavy breathing, soft grunting sounds, and rapid non-stop praying. As soon as his hands and my tooth exit my mouth opening, and even before I hear the tooth clink in the bottom of his stainless steel drip pan, the doctor goes into “up-sale” mode. He’s strongly recommending I fill my new void with an implant. He said that in three months, after the bone grows back into shape, he’ll cut open my newly healed skin, drill and tap threads into my jaw bone, and screw a titanium stud in place that would allow my dentist to mount a man-made handcrafted tooth. He explained the procedure would require several visits and with healing time, take 6 to 8 months.

I could sense he really wants me to have the implant, because my decision has a direct relationship to his family’s quality of life. I do believe he needs to put a little more thought into how he speaks of the benefits of having an implant.  His speech went something like, “If you choose to have the implant, you’ll never have to worry about the tooth again.” He re-emphasized “the strong titanium steel stud, screwed firmly into my jawbone, that would remain securely in place long after I’m dead and gone.”  I guess he never stopped to think that when a person reaches a certain age, pretty much everything they buy comes with a life-time warranty and will be here long after they’re dead and gone. Even the people selling appliances at Best Buy understand that. Two years ago, we purchased a refrigerator and the guy has yet to ask me if I want to purchase the extended warranty.  When that happens, it hurts. It hurts real bad. Even worse than first time the Bojangles’ cashier gave me a senior discount on a chicken biscuit, without ever asking my age.

Okay,  back to the tooth. Like a well-trained salesperson, the dentist never mentioned cost until he had given all the benefits. He said the total procedure would require both he and my regular dentist and would run in the neighborhood of several thousand dollars. Yep, that tooth was more like a KIA than I had first realized. Not only did it cost as much as a KIA, I paid on it for 5 years, and in the end, it had no re-sale value, and I had to pay someone to remove it.

I wonder if “Lamborghini” will fit on my new implant.

PS- That Friday night, I placed the tooth under my pillow. The next morning there was a $5 SNAP card, a 1099G form, and a note saying, “Saturday Delivery Will Cease August 1”, signed The Tooth Fairy.

By Glenn Strange ⓒ 2013

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