Posts Tagged ‘humorous speaker’

It’s time to apply for your new ….

Thursday, July 19th, 2018

Only 158 days until Christmas.  It’s time to apply for new credit cards. The more cards you use, the lower your required monthly payments will be. …. you’re welcome … have a great day.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Actual Newspaper Headlines:
Subscriber, J. Jenkins sheared this with us. Thank you.
1) Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops an 800-pound ball on his head
2) Miracle cure kills fifth patient
3) City unsure why the sewer smells


Farming:
A retired farmer decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.
The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?”
The farmer replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”


Glenn’s Client Says:”

“Glenn’s comedy and magic show was just wonderful. It was received very enthusiastically by everyone in the audience from senior citizens to very young children.  Perfect entertainment for the family, or any type of gathering. We here at Covenant would highly recommend him and we look forward to booking Glenn again.”
         Mike StairCovenant
United Methodist Church
Charlotte, NC


I’m looking forward to being a part of this gathering of family entertainers in Pigeon Forge, TN.
The #1 Conference for Family Performers! Magician’s, Ventriloquists, Puppeteers, Storytellers, Clowns, Balloon Entertainers, and Variety Entertainers gather to learn from the top teachers in our industry, and network with like-minded performers. August 22-25, 2018.

Improve Your Event with Laughter

Call  864-439-1369
Or Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”


You Know You’re Lazy When …

Thursday, July 12th, 2018

We’re on the down-hill side of summer.
Please be careful on your vacation, because someone you know and somebody you have yet to meet, loves you …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  You know you’re lazy when you get excited about canceled plans.
2)  The first 50 years of marriage are the hardest.
3)  People said, “Follow your dreams”… so I went BACK TO BED!


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“I’ve asked people to give me their honest critique of our fundraiser. Without exception everyone polled and many more not asked have raved about you and the story you shared. If I lived two lifetimes, I could not thank you enough for your amazing show and your personal story.”
       Brandon Cox
Calvary Home for Children


Improving Events with Laughter


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A Texas rancher goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer, and they start talking.

The Aussie shows the Texan a large wheat field and the Texan says. Oh, we have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

They walk around a little, and the Australia shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have long horns that are at least as twice as large your cows.”

The conversation dies down until the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos moving across the field. “What are those?”, ask the Texan.

The Aussie replies, “What, you don’t have grasshoppers in Texas?”


Years ago I wisely invested in …

Thursday, May 31st, 2018

“Years ago I wisely invested heavily in ‘Forever Stamps’. Today every time I mail something, I make money.” – Glenn Strange

Be careful traveling on your vacation. Call me when you get there …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


The Difference Between:
Optimist:  The glass is half full.
Pessimist:  The glass is half empty.
Mother:  Why didn’t you use a coaster?


It Hurts:
The dentist says to his patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc.

Dentist: We had an emergency this morning, and it’s put me way behind. There are three people in the waiting room, and I have a 4:00 o’clock tee time!


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Glenn’s program was clean, funny and intelligent.  Totally appropriate to our crowd and the occasion and believe it or not, that was one of the comments I heard the most. He has set the bar high.”
    Sandy Servin
Exopack Holding Corp. 


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. He usually had Monday’s off, but because of weekly rains, he had not been able to play golf for over a month.

On one Sunday, it turned out to be a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right, and there was very little wind. They were calling for rain the next day. The preacher wasn’t sure what to do….play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him, and he called in his assistant pastor to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.

An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, “look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow, and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A picture-perfect hole in one!

The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, ” I thought that you were going to punish him?”

God smiled and said, “I did….who’s he going to tell?”


Never Assume

Thursday, May 10th, 2018

To find out a time when you should never assume, read the bonus joke at the end.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


That One kid:
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?

Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”


Why English is Hard:
1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound*.
2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.
3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse*.


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Glenn, your show was GREAT! I heard many favorable comments. We thank you for performing at the ‘Lyric Theatre’ and hope you can come back.
        Brant Beene – Executive Director
Lyric Theatre and Alabama Theatre


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
The Bulletin Newspaper photographer’s request was approved, and he quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He only had 2 hours to make his news deadline. He was told a twin-engine plane would be running and waiting for him when he arrived at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the twin-engine warming up outside a hanger. Holding his camera bag, he jumped in the seat beside the pilot, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over Mount Stuart and make a few low passes over the fires on the hillsides.’ ‘Why?’ asked the pilot. ‘Because I’m a photographer for the Bulletin’ he responded,’and I need to get some close aerial shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . .. You’re NOT my flight instructor?’


Good News … Bad News

Thursday, April 12th, 2018

The Good News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.
The Bad News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.

So, you might as well laugh. Enjoy this week’s funnies.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Neighbors:
I’ve always thought my neighbors were friendly people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.


Little Johnny:
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”

Teacher snaps, “No, no, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”


Glenn’s Client Says:
“My ribs were sour for two days. The party was the talk of the office, and your comedy was recapped ever and over again, making each laugh more painful.”
       Lisa Mixner Ellis
Mesa Associates, Inc.


Making Events “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
A couple getting away from their high-stress jobs planned a relaxing week in their motorhome. They found their peace and quiet was being disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.

They then devised a way to assure themselves some privacy. They placed this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance Agent Inside. Ask About Our Term-Life Package.”


Only 2 days and a few hours until April Fool’s Day

Monday, April 2nd, 2018

This year April Fool’s Day falls on Easter Sunday. I’m sorry, but something about that just doesn’t feel right.

Anyway, please be careful … I’m worried.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Palm Sunday:

It was Palm Sunday, but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.

Johnny asked, “What are those for?”
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his dad told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, and He shows up.”


Ask the Doctor:

“Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?”

“First of all, don’t give him anything to drink.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
We Have Your  Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”


 

I wouldn’t do it, but you could …

Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

Only 9 days until April Fool’s Day. You could place a rubble spider in the banana displace at the grocery store. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Father and Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


My Son’s a Doctor:
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.

The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”


 

 

 

 

Daylight Savings Time Starts This Sunday

Thursday, March 8th, 2018

“Daylight Savings Time” is this Sunday morning. I don’t mind “Daylight Savings Time” as much as I hate getting up at 2:00 am to move my clocks forward. You’d think they would have picked a time when people were awake.

Make someone laugh today.  Send them a link to this site.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Daylight Savings Time Confusion:
“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. ” – Steven Wright


Actual Courtroom Records:
From a book called “Disorder in the Courts”, By Charles Sevilla:

ATTORNEY:  Now Doctor, isn’t it true that when a Person dies in his sleep, He doesn’t know about it until the next Morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually Pass the Bar Exam?
———————-
ATTORNEY:  She had three Children, Right?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were Boys?
WITNESS:  None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any Girls?
WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
————————
ATTORNEY:  ALL your Responses MUST be Oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS:   ORAL…


Make Your Next Event “Fun”

Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

Two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, “I’ve been trying to beat you for so long that I’m about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact, if you’re game, I’d like to try to get back all the money I’ve lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?” The other guy thought about it for a minute and then decided to play the gorilla. “After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?” he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 5 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says “That’s incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I’ve seen enough. I’ve got no interest in being humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this gorilla back to where he comes from. I’ll write you a check.”

After handing over the check, the guy asks, “By the way, how’s that gorilla’s putting?” The other guy replies, “Same as his driving.” “That good, huh?” “No, I mean, he hits putts the same way – 450 yards, right down the middle!”


 

Little Known Credit Card Warning

Thursday, January 18th, 2018

Only 431 days left to pay off this past Christmas.

Credit Card WARNING:  You could damage your tooth’s enamel when you use them like a toothpick …..  you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Fact, Question, Prayer:
!)  I don’t need anger management. I need obnoxious people to stop annoying me!
2) Why do I have to press one for English when they’re just gonna transfer to someone in a foreign country?
3) Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!


House Pets:
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always ask, ‘Oh, do you have a cat?’

Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for visitors!


REMEMBER
It’s cold and flu season. Drink lots of liquid, get plenty of rest, and book Glenn Strange for your next event. Laughter is the Best Medicine.​


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:
Thank you to R. Vinson for this weeks bonus funnyLast  Wednesday a rear seat passenger in a taxi heading Grand Central Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaken driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The  badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

Laugh Your Way To Good Health

Thursday, January 11th, 2018

Thank goodness the temperatures have warmed up a little. My heat pump has run nonstop for days and its tongue is now hanging out. I did receive a “Thank You” card from my power company.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Home Alone:
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10-year-old little Johnny opens the door, holding a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar.

The salesman asked, “Young man is your mother home?”

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What do you think?”


My Wife is so Negative:
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, and the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Our Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner was a huge success and a great deal of the credit goes to Glenn Strange. He gave our members the perfect show. He provided good clean fun, great audience participation, amazing magic, and great comedy. It was excellent.”
           Victor W. Cross, President
Phenix City-Russell County Chamber of Commerce


Glenn Strange

Can Make Your Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Four hunters were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard. The driver Earl, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer’s land.

The old farmer said, ‘Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? My old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and very sick. I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me, please?’

Earl replied, ‘Of course I will,’ and strolled back to the car. While walking back, however, Earl decided to play a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car, and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, ‘No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won’t forget.’

With that, Earl rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and shot the donkey. As he shouted, ‘That’ll teach him,’ a second shot rang out from the passenger side, and one of his buddy yelled, ‘And me too, step on it Earl, I got the cow.’!”


 

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