Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Share the Laughter-Forward This To A Friend:

Thursday, October 19th, 2017

Only 66 days until Christmas.​

DRIVING TIP:  If you’re having your car serviced and you leave your keys in the ignition for the mechanic to drive your car into the service bay, be sure to first let the driver’s window down before shutting the door. ​Some cars will automatically lock when the door is closed. Please, don’t ask me how I know.

Please be careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence = Wisdom:
1) I’m going to retire and live off my savings. What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.
2) I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.
3) I don’t want to make anyone jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.


How Mathematicians Think:
One of the world’s brightest mathematicians was arrested by the police in an airport for smuggling a bomb in his hand luggage.

The math expert says, “You don’t understand! It’s to make the plane safe!!”

One of the police officers asked, “What do you mean by that!?”

The math genius replied, “You see, the chances that a bomb is aboard the plane are extremely small, so the chance of two bombs being on the plane would be practically impossible.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thank you for traveling to Kansas. This made the 3rd time you’ve been in front of our crowd. No matter how often I see you, I’m always cracked up”
       George Painter
Painter Enterprise


If you’re in the Birmingham area, you should not miss this fun evening of laughter, great music, and magic. Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at ​ www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
The owner replies, “He’s such a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”


 

As Seen On TV

Tuesday, October 17th, 2017

This past week I had the privilege of representing “The Stories of the Upstate”, on the “Your Carolina” TV show with Jack and Megan. If you missed it, click on the picture below.

I hope you enjoy and share this week’s funnies with someone that can use a little laughter in their life. (That’s pretty much everyone)

Please be careful. Summer’s coming, the roads may be slick, and there’s lighting in the air ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Fire, Fire:

A man came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”

“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”

“Don’t you still have those big red trucks?”


Underqualified:

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal.

The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped.

The conductor, highly agitated, glared around the orchestra, demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn did an outstanding job entertaining our members. His show was first class all the way. We would recommend Glenn to any establishment looking for a fun and mystifying evening.”
       J. McLain
Callawassie Island Club​

__________________

Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

Actual 1st Grader’s Answers
A first-grade teacher presented her class with the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Keep in mind that these are actual answers from 6-year-olds.
1. Don’t change horses …
until they stop.
2. Strike while the …
bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before …
Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of …
termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but …
how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that …
looks dirty.
7. No news is …
impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a …
Mister.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new …
math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll …
stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust …
me.
12. The pen is mightier than the …
pigs.
13. An idle mind is …
the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s …
pollution.
15. Happy the bride who …
gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is …
not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s …
the Musketeers
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what …
you put on to go to bed.
19. Children should be seen and not …
spanked or grounded.
20. If at first, you don’t succeed …
get new batteries.


Share the Laughter

Thursday, October 12th, 2017

Only 19 days until Halloween, 42 days until Thanksgiving, and 74 days until Christmas.​

SAFETY DRIVING TIP: When approaching intersections where oncoming cars are stopped for you, DO NOT make eye contact with the driver. Watch the front of their car to see if it starts to move, but don’t look at the driver. For some reason, they will assume it’s okay to pull out in front of you.  I know, trust me.  Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence = Wisdom:
1) A schoolteacher is a person who used to think they liked children.
2) It’s not the people who are in prison that worry me. It’s the people who aren’t.
3) It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.


Airline Rules:
A lady called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” said the airline employee, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The lady was perplexed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show!  Everyone at Parnell-Martin is still talking about your incredible performance. You mystified and entertained us and kept us laughing too hard.”
S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC​


If you’re in the Birmingham area, you should not miss this fun evening of laughter, great music, and magic. Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com

Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at ​ www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.


PPS – Your Bonus:Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. “I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy field. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.

Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. “I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”


Tornado Safety Tip

Tuesday, October 10th, 2017

“Humor is music to the soul, and you don’t have to carry a tune– just sing along!” – John Richardson
Please share this week’s funnies with someone you care about. (It’s free, and it feels good)

Safety Tip: It’s tornado season, and not everyone has a basement. Have you ever noticed when the news shows the devastation of a tornado that the only thing left standing and unharmed is a lone toilet? I don’t have a basement nor do I live near a train track. So, if I hear the sound of a train, that’s where I’m headed.  Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Dads:

Martin arrived at Sunday school late. Miss Walter, his teacher, knew that Martin was usually very punctual, so she asked him if anything was wrong.
Martin replied no that he had been going fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
Miss Walter was very impressed and asked the lad if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
Martin replied, ‘Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us’.

3 Ponders to Ponder:

1) Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
2) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3) Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“To say people have talked about you since the convention is an understatement. Your act was refreshingly original and one of the funniest we have had ever seen. You will long be remembered as one of top best performers to have graced Upstate Magic Fest.”
      J. Batten
New York Upstate 
Magic Fest



Looking for Clean Professional Comedy?
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau.

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally, she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me, too?” “Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”


Fruitcake Kills

Thursday, October 5th, 2017

Hello <<First Name>>,

Only 80 more days until Christmas. Time to order that fruit cake and start making your plans.

SAFETY TIP: No one has ever choked from eating fruitcake, but people have broken teeth.
Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Health Tip:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.


Politics, Dogs, and Games:
1) I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
2) A sign In a Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
3) No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.​”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Without your help, the summer activities would not have been the same. It has been a long-standing tradition here at Kiawah to provide our guest with the utmost guest satisfaction, and we truly appreciate you continuing to promote this high standard of excellence.”
    Kari Bowman
Kiawah Island Golf Resort​



Plan Your Christmas Event NOW
Let’s Make Your Event Fun.
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, “I was two hours early today, so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound bass and had to take it home. If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”.

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.  He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 22 feet tall and had 7-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The small dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?”

Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”


 

Don’t Miss Glenn’s Interview:

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2017

Enjoy this week’s funnies and remember to be safe traveling. Especially, in the highway construction areas.

You know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Musical Jokes:

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!.”Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.”I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.” – Steven Wright

Ask An Expert:

A man went to the Police Station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn Strange did an excellent job for the Employees’ Service Banquet. We will be glad to recommend his performance for any group needing good, clean entertainment.”
       Wade Bowman, Manager
Coats American


If you’re one of the thousands
that missed my interview on
“The Stories of the Upstate”
click the below picture.

Looking for Clean Professional Comedy?
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau.

PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A guy driving an old Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


Clean Comedy that’s Not Silly

Thursday, September 28th, 2017

This week’s BONUS funny is one of my all-time favorites.

SAFETY DRIVING TIP: Wearing sunglasses when driving in the rain may improve your ability to see (polarised glasses work best).  Give it a try.  Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Nonsence Wisdom:
1) There are three ways to make money. You can inherit it. You can marry it. You can steal it.
2) When tempted to fight fire with fire, keep in mind that the Fire Department usually uses water.
3) Ever notice that the people who arrive late are often much jollier than the people who have been waiting on them?


Rearrange:
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER​

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER ​

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks for an outstanding performance at this years Christmas party …. I appreciate you making me look so good! Rest assured, we will certainly recommend you to others for their corporate functions.”
    Scott Ledford
General Shale Products, LLC



Time to Plan Your Christmas Event
Call with questions. Let’s
make your Event the best ever.

Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Thank you to subscriber G. Venson, for this weeks bonus funny. 

A sweet grandmother telephoned Tampa General Hospital. She asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone that can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be happy to help you. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Arlene, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”  After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Arlene is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Scott, has scheduled her to be discharged on Wednesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful!  I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Arlene your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Arlene in 302. No one tells me anything.”


 

In Case of Fire

Thursday, September 7th, 2017

Please, remember to share laughter with the people you care about each and every day.

Safety Reminder: In case of fire. Exit the building before posting it on Facebook. Please be careful …..  you know how I worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Wisdom Bits:
1) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
2) A lot of people become pessimists from financing optimists.
3) Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


Fishing:
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an older man fishing in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The older man replied, “You’re the eighth.”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I have received multiple calls and texts from our group stating this was the best party ever. That is thanks to you …..”
       Shelley Sanoulis
Spectra Colorants, Inc

 

 



25 or 2500 People
What’s the Key to Making
Your Event a Success?
“EVERYONE LAUGHING
TOGETHER”

Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags?”, asked the guard.

“Sand,” said the cyclist.

“Get them off – we’ll take a look,” said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say, friend, you sure had us crazy,” said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word – but what is it you were smuggling?” “Bicycles!” ​


Laugh Time

Thursday, August 24th, 2017

Today, August 24, is “National Waffle Day”. Let’s go to the Waffle House and eat a waffle. If you don’t like waffles, there’s always something entertaining happening at the Waffle House. If you don’t believe me, Google waffle house, crazy, and see what pops up.

Speaking of the “Waffle House”.  Please be careful …..  you know how I worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


On the Positive Side:
The parents were very disappointed in the grades their son brought home. “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” said the father, “is that during his exams I know for sure he never cheated.”


Quote to Remember:
“There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits.”​ – Albert Einstein​


Quote from Glenn’s Client

“Thanks for an outstanding performance. I appreciate you making me look so good! Rest assured, we will certainly recommend Glenn Strange to others for their functions.”
      Scott Ledford
General Shale Products, LLC​



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Make Your Event Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:A wealthy man met a beggar on the street. The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

“You poor fellow,” said the wealthy man. “Come with me, and I’ll buy you a drink.”

“Actually, I don’t drink. But I would like something to eat.”

“Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars,” the wealthy man urged.

“Sorry, sir,” said the homeless man. “I don’t smoke.”

“Very well, then come with me to the casino! I’ll put up your stake, and perhaps you’ll win enough to get your life back on track.”

“I don’t gamble either, sir. But I would still very much like a bite to eat.”

“You want to eat?” asked the wealthy man. “Alright, come home with me and have dinner with my family.”

“That’s very kind of you, sir. Thank you!”

“Not at all,” replied the wealthy man. “I just want my wife to see what happens to a man that doesn’t drink, smoke, or gamble.”

The Eclipse is Coming & School is Starting

Tuesday, August 15th, 2017

Not only do you get three funnies, but this week’s BONUS is a link that will answer your solar eclipse questions.

SAFETY WARNING: Schools are starting their new year. Remember: Where there are stopped school buses, there are fast moving children. Please be careful ….. I do worry. ​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


School Days:
1) “Well, Johnny, how did your school report card turn out?“ asks the mother.
“Come on mom; the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

2) Patty had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

3) Teacher: “How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?”
    Suzy: “I get up early!”


Lunch Time:
A teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”​


Drop Out:
Tommy dropped out of school, and his buddy asked: “Why?”
“I got discouraged, that’s all. I failed every subject except geography.”
“Every subject except geography? How do you explain that?”
“I didn’t take geography!”​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We have received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode, reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure.”
    Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Solar Eclipse Answers:
On Monday August 21, a solar eclipse will cut across the entire United States. And wherever you are, you will be able to see it. Even though the “totality” — the area where the sun is completely blocked out by the moon — is only 70 miles wide, the whole country (even Alaska and Hawaii) will experience a partial eclipse.
CLICK HERE for more interesting details:


 

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