Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Almost Weekly Funnies

Thursday, August 10th, 2017

This week, I’m in Pigeon Forge, TN, taking part in a family entertainers conference. I’m honored to be a part of this conference where performers from all parts of the world gather for a full week to share, learn, and improve.

Today, August 10, is “National Lazy Day”. I’m not really sure how one celebrates a day set aside to honor laziness. I guess you just remain stagnant for 24 hours. I’ll call my brother-in-law and ask him. He’s an expert.

SAFETY WARNING: According to a report from “Public Health England”, inactivity and laziness kills as many people as smoking does. Next thing you know, our government will require “Warning Labels” on couches. Please be careful …..  you know how I worry. ​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
2)  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
3)  Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt Delete” and start all over?


A Sense of Humor:
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When the boss noticed that he wasn’t getting a reaction from Mike, the boss ask, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”

“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”​



Clean Comedy Entertainment
Laughing is Fun For Everyone
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Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I have received many, many favorable comments about Glenn’s unique blend of magic and humor. I will gladly provide recommendations to those considering Glenn’s show for meetings and other company functions.”
   K McDowell
Barnett​ Company


Farmer Says:
A farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. “One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”

“What do you mean by that?” asked one curious visitor.

“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”

“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”

The farmer answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”

A Time To Laugh

Thursday, August 3rd, 2017

August 3, is “National Watermelon Day”. So, take a watermelon to lunch.

SAFETY WARNING: Watermelons are 91.5% water. So, if you’re planning to travel across a desert, you should take watermelons with you. Remember, they’re hard to carry because they don’t have handles. …..  you know how I worry.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
2)  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
3)  The way some people find fault, you’d think there was some kind of reward.


First Date:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone, so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

Just has he had planned his phone rang at 8:15. He told his date, “Please forgive me; I must take this call.” When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “Mine was scheduled to die at 8:35.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks a million-jillion-gazillion times for the superb performance ….!!!
We have never gotten that kind of positive response from our student body… EVER!!! You certainly were the
right man, with the right cause, at the right time… for all the right reasons!!!”
      M. Walker
Department of Juvenile Justice​


PPS – Your Bonus:

Bank Business
The loans officer says the bank will need security for a $10,000 loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his new Rolls Royce, parked the nearby bank’s parking lot. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground secure garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $10,000, plus interest, which is $25.08. The loans officer says: “We are delighted to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbourside mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”

The man replied: “Where else in New York City, can I park my car safely for two weeks for $25?”


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Your Laugh Break For Today

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017

My neighbor’s got a drone and my dog’s got anxiety. I’m just waiting until the day they collide.

I hope your summer’s off to a good start with lots of family laughter and happy memories coming your way.

Enjoy this week’s funnies and remember to be safe traveling. Especially, in the highway construction areas.

You know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Musical Jokes:

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!.”

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.” – Steven Wright


Ask An Expert:

A man went to the Police Station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A guy driving an old Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn Strange did an excellent job for the Employees’ Service Banquet. We will be glad to recommend his performance for any group needing good, clean entertainment.”
       Wade Bowman, Manager
Coats American



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Take a Minute to Laugh

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

June 15th is National Smile Power Day.  This is a day for everyone to share the power of the smile.

Your smile cost you nothing but can be priceless to those that care about you.

Remember: Worn tires make all roads dangerous. Replace your tires before you hear the sound of breaking glass ….. you know how I worry.


Nonsense:

1) You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
2) Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
3) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Traffic Signs:

A cop pulls over a car with 5 nuns on their way to an out of town meeting.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“The response from everyone has been overwhelmingly positive. We are still laughing at some of your jokes and the sight of our distinguished administrator on stage with you.”
        Debra Hancock, Rn, CNN
Dialysis Clinics, Inc.


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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Understanding Why

Aman woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the 1st bottle swearing, “You’re the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the 2nd bottle, “You’re the reason my children don’t speak to me”.

He smashed the 3rd bottle, “You’re the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the 4th bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for a moment and said, “You stand aside. I know you were not involved”.


Make Time To Laugh

Wednesday, July 26th, 2017

July 27, is “National Chili Dog Day”. In the south, a Chili Dog is just a normal Hot Dog. If you remove the Chili, it’s just a weenie on a bun.

Now that I think about it, every Saturday in the South is considered, “National Hot Dog Day”.

Safety Tip: A hot dog weenie in the hands of a child under the age of 5 is a “Choking Hazard”; not a food source. Please remember this ….. you know how I worry.


Greek Mythology:
The teacher asked: “What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and half animal?”
Billy raised his hand. “Yes?” the teacher acknowledged.
“Buffalo Bill,” replied Billy.


The Inheritance:
Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, “Hey my man, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”

“That’s not bad at all…!”

“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”

“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”

“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”

“So why are so glum?”

“This week – nothing!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn performed for us in Washington, DC. He was hilariously funny, and everyone enjoyed his show. I will keep him in mind for future opportunities.”
       Debbie Settle
CMS, Inc


Your Bonus Laugh

A large, well-established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.

“Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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Hallmark Christmas Stories of 2016

Sunday, December 4th, 2016

Well, it’s only the beginning of December and I’ve already had my fill of Hallmark Christmas movies. This year they started airing on November 5, 2016. All 22 new versions of the same old plot, with different faces. Everyone’s still whispering their lines, and you can hear soft jingling, tinkling bells in the background all through the entire show. Throughout the movie, you’re pulling for 2 people to realize they’re perfect for each other. Somewhere in the last 5 minutes, they give up, fall in love, the music gets louder, and snow starts falling. THE END. The only difference I see this year is that all the characters have upgraded their mobile phone service, and they’re using smartphones.  I’m just waiting to see if one of the characters has a pocket battery explosion. Probably not going to happen, cause that would add  excitement, and that’s something no Hallmark movie has ever had. Thanks for listing. Pass me the tissues.IMG_0069 - Version 2 – Version 3

When Introductions Go Bad

Tuesday, September 20th, 2016
When Introductions Go Bad

When Introductions Go Bad

I was honored and thrilled when the National Speakers Association featured my article in their publication. “SPEAKER Magazine”.

I should have recognized things were headed south when she walked to center stage, firmly planted her feet shoulder width apart, looked down, and began shuffling through pages of paper. This lady that had been given the task of introducing me to her association members. The same lady that told me earlier that afternoon, “I do not need your prepared introduction. I’ve put a lot of time, thought, and rehearsal into what I’m saying, and if you don’t let me use the introduction I’ve worked so hard on, I’ll be heartbroken.”

Well, I should have broken her heart that afternoon. Because that sweet little elderly lady had single handily …… (MORE)


JOKE TIME

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

‘Your wife fell out the passenger door 3 miles back,’ says the policeman.

‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’


FARMER’S WISDOM

  1. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  2. Good judgment comes from experience and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  3. Always drink upstream from the herd.

DID YOU KNOW?

A flamingo can only eat when its head is upside down, and they don’t taste like chicken.


QUOTE TO REMEMBER

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.”
Michael Pritchard


“Thank You” to Jeryl Anderson and Kelly Palmer for making sure I had everything I needed for my show and allowing me to be a part of your annual event. A special “Thank You” to your association members, their laughter, and for the jobs, they do every day. img_6360


Question: What Makes an Event Rememberable?

Answer: LAUGHTER

To book Glenn Strange for your next important event. You may go through your favorite Speakers Bureau, Talent Agent, or Contact His Office Direct:

Call: 864-439-1369

info@GlennStrange.com


Upside Down Truck

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

You spent $60,000.00, 6 years building your super hot rod show car. You take it out for the first time to drive on a beautiful sunny day. You stop at the red-light and this guy pulls up beside you, with his $6000, 6 month build and no one notices your car.

 

Best Job In the World

Thursday, February 26th, 2015

The TV weather-person has to be the best job in the world. They never get fired for being wrong, they receive praises when they call it right, and their boss lets them play outside when it snows.

WEATHER ALART: It’s snowing in SC tonight. Please remember to keep fresh unfrozen water and food for your outside pets, the wild birds, and the TV weather people. They’re all outside and unable to care for themselves.

weather

Good Foot Brian Williams …. What a Guy

Saturday, February 14th, 2015

brian-williams

I first met Brian Williams in 2004, where we finished 5th and 6th in the New York City Marathon. We became best friends in 2005, at the Quebec Winter Triathlon. Where he twisted his ankle on a used water bottle and was ready to give up. I threw him on my back and we tied for 9th.

Brian was devastated because he believed, and was convinced he would be unable to compete in running events for at least a year. After all, that’s what his doctor, Dr. Oz had told him. Brian was slipping into a deep depression. He was losing his passion for running.

I had to do something, and do it quickly. That’s when I came up with the brilliant idea that Brian and I would team up to go on the Southeastern Three Legged Sack Race Circuit. Just to verify my plan, I contacted my personal friend, Dr. Phil. He was in the middle of show taping, but for some reason, on that day he took my call during a commercial break. He agreed that my plan of competing in Three Legged Sack Races would be a good activity to keep Brian from depression. He also said, he wished he had thought of it. Little did I know how competitive Brian would be by using just his good foot.

That 2005 summer we entered and won every Three Legged Sack Race on the Southeastern Circuit. Over 23 races within a 16 week period. It was an extremely tiring, demanding, and grueling schedule. Lots of farm day festivals, county fairs, and medium size church picnics.

23 first place wins! I don’t think I’ve every witnessed anyone equal to Brian’s strong determination, confidence, and his laser like focus. … Brian Williams …. what a guy.

THE REST OF THE STORY
So, now you know where the slogan, “Put Your Best Foot Forward”  came from…. Thank you,  Brian Williams …. what a guy.

written and lied by Glenn Strange 2015ⓒ

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