Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Never Assume

Thursday, May 10th, 2018

To find out a time when you should never assume, read the bonus joke at the end.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


That One kid:
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?

Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”


Why English is Hard:
1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound*.
2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.
3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse*.


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Glenn, your show was GREAT! I heard many favorable comments. We thank you for performing at the ‘Lyric Theatre’ and hope you can come back.
        Brant Beene – Executive Director
Lyric Theatre and Alabama Theatre


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
The Bulletin Newspaper photographer’s request was approved, and he quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He only had 2 hours to make his news deadline. He was told a twin-engine plane would be running and waiting for him when he arrived at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the twin-engine warming up outside a hanger. Holding his camera bag, he jumped in the seat beside the pilot, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over Mount Stuart and make a few low passes over the fires on the hillsides.’ ‘Why?’ asked the pilot. ‘Because I’m a photographer for the Bulletin’ he responded,’and I need to get some close aerial shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . .. You’re NOT my flight instructor?’


I Don’t Think That’s True …

Thursday, May 3rd, 2018

I just read on the internet that it’s It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. I really don’t think that’s true, because I’ve never seen a cow on the second floor.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Kids:
Teacher:“Who can tell me 5 wild animals?”
Little Johnny:“2 lions & 3 wolves.”


Dog Value:
Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know a dog that’s worth $10,000.’

‘Really?’ replies the other man. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much?’


Glenn’s Client Says:

“It was a fun time we so enjoyed it. We will go see him perform anytime. Sides still hurting from all the laughter. Thank you.”
         Dorothy Bronson
Audience Member


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A married couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the husband gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen,” he replies.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream — I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says… “Where’s my toast?

Good News … Bad News

Thursday, April 12th, 2018

The Good News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.
The Bad News is:
The filing deadline for your 2017 tax return is Tuesday, April 17, 2018.

So, you might as well laugh. Enjoy this week’s funnies.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Neighbors:
I’ve always thought my neighbors were friendly people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.


Little Johnny:
Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”

Teacher snaps, “No, no, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”


Glenn’s Client Says:
“My ribs were sour for two days. The party was the talk of the office, and your comedy was recapped ever and over again, making each laugh more painful.”
       Lisa Mixner Ellis
Mesa Associates, Inc.


Making Events “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
A couple getting away from their high-stress jobs planned a relaxing week in their motorhome. They found their peace and quiet was being disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.

They then devised a way to assure themselves some privacy. They placed this sign on the door of their RV:
“Insurance Agent Inside. Ask About Our Term-Life Package.”


I wouldn’t do it, but you could …

Thursday, March 22nd, 2018

Only 9 days until April Fool’s Day. You could place a rubble spider in the banana displace at the grocery store. I wouldn’t, but you could.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Father and Son Talk:
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What? I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new parents will pick you up in 20 minutes.”


My Son’s a Doctor:
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:

“Don’t be nervous, boy, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didn’t think that was very likely because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man.

But the little girl was adamant and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher was getting impatient and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

“But what if Jonah went to hell?” the teacher asked.

The girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”


 

 

 

 

17 Days Until April Fool’s Day

Thursday, March 15th, 2018

Only 17 days until April Fool’s Day. Time to start planning. Please be careful … you know how I worry. Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Golf:
“I never play a full round of golf. I start with a dozen balls. When they’re gone, the game is over.” – Glenn Strange


The Job Interview:
Job Interviewer: “And Mr. Ortiz, where do you see yourself in five years’ time?”
Mr. Ortiz: “Personally, I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:A pregnant lady is in a car accident. While in a coma she has twins (a boy & a girl). When she woke up, she asked the doctor about her babies. The doctor said they were beautiful, healthy boy and girl twins and that her brother had named them. She thought,”My brother is an idiot I wonder what names he gave them.” So, she asked the doctor, “What did he name the girl?” “Denise”, replied the doctor. That’s not so bad.”What about the boy”, she asked. “Denephew”


Daylight Savings Time Starts This Sunday

Thursday, March 8th, 2018

“Daylight Savings Time” is this Sunday morning. I don’t mind “Daylight Savings Time” as much as I hate getting up at 2:00 am to move my clocks forward. You’d think they would have picked a time when people were awake.

Make someone laugh today.  Send them a link to this site.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Daylight Savings Time Confusion:
“The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. ” – Steven Wright


Actual Courtroom Records:
From a book called “Disorder in the Courts”, By Charles Sevilla:

ATTORNEY:  Now Doctor, isn’t it true that when a Person dies in his sleep, He doesn’t know about it until the next Morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually Pass the Bar Exam?
———————-
ATTORNEY:  She had three Children, Right?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were Boys?
WITNESS:  None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any Girls?
WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
————————
ATTORNEY:  ALL your Responses MUST be Oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS:   ORAL…


Make Your Next Event “Fun”

Got Questions? 
For Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:

Two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, “I’ve been trying to beat you for so long that I’m about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact, if you’re game, I’d like to try to get back all the money I’ve lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?” The other guy thought about it for a minute and then decided to play the gorilla. “After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?” he thought.

Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 5 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.

The guy turns to his friend and says “That’s incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I’ve seen enough. I’ve got no interest in being humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this gorilla back to where he comes from. I’ll write you a check.”

After handing over the check, the guy asks, “By the way, how’s that gorilla’s putting?” The other guy replies, “Same as his driving.” “That good, huh?” “No, I mean, he hits putts the same way – 450 yards, right down the middle!”


 

Can You Believe it?

Thursday, March 1st, 2018

Can you believe it? It’s already March 1st. Seems like yesterday was just February.

Make someone laugh today.  Forward this week’s email funnies to a friend.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


What They Say:
They say you can’t get a decent job without an education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!


Anagrams:
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT


How Important is Laughter?
Are you looking for a theme for your next conference or convention? Why not make it “Investing in Humor”?  Everyone needs to laugh more, and everyone feels better when they do.  Hugh benefits for everyone!


Make Your Next Event Fun
Pick up the phone and

Let’s Start Planning

864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Leo, an auto mechanic, had moved from New York City to work for a Houston, TX, Mercedes dealership.   He was removing the cylinder heads from the engine of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Joseph Lamelas. He was standing quietly off to the side, waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car. Leo shouted across the garage, “Hey Lamelas! Is dat you? “Come on ova’ here a minute.”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Leo was working. Leo straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, “So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an’ me is doing da same work?”

Dr. Lamelas looked at Leo and replied, “Yes, but can you do it with the engine running?”

Invest In Laughter

Thursday, February 22nd, 2018

Thank You to all my many friends and clients for the beautiful President Day cards. You’ll never know how much they meant to me.

Have a great week and laugh, it feels good. ​Please be careful ….. call me when you get there … you know how I worry. ​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Love Funnies:
1)  “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
2)  “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Richard Jeni
3)  “What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner


The Final Exam:
On his final exam, Buddy was stumped. He didn’t know any…not one… answer.
Finally, he wrote: “God alone knows the answers to these questions.”
When he got his report, it was written: “God gets an A. You get an F.”


How Important is Laughter?
The next time you are planning your very important banquet, convention, or meeting, remember: “An Event Without Laughter is Called a Funeral.” – Glenn Strange


It’s Easy to Make Your Event Fun
Pick up the phone and

Let’s Start Planning

864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like this for only $59.00.”


 

Share a Laugh Today

Thursday, February 15th, 2018

I appreciate you taking your time to read these funnies. Pass them along to your friends. Have a great week!

Please be careful ….. call me when you get there … you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Small Town Doctor:
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 15 lbs 10 oz.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

2)  Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 8 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel with a pair of pliers.

3) Remember back when we were kids, and every time it was below zero out they closed school?  Me neither.


Laughter Is Important:
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. — Victor Borge 


An Event Without Laughter is Soon Forgotten.
Make your Event Rememberable.
Call for Glenn Strange

864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
These are from actual courtroom records published in a book called “Disorder in the Courts”, By Charles Sevilla
Passed along to me by R. Vinson.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where are you, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your Date of Birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What Year?
WITNESS: Every Year.

Groundhog Day

Thursday, February 1st, 2018

Only one more day until Groundhog Day. Just think, if January only had only 30 days, Groundhog Day would be on February 1.

Enjoy this week’s jokes.  Remember, laughter is a gift that must be shared.

Please be careful ….. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Tee Shirt Sayings:
1)  I could be a morning person… if morning happened at Noon.
2)  Lead me not into temptation… oh, heck, just follow me– I know a shortcut.
3)  I’m not arguing… I’m just explaining why I’m right!​


Boardgames:
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Your Bonus:
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, ‘I bet you don’t know what day this is?’

‘Of course, I do,’ he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office.

At 11 o’clock, the doorbell rang.  The wife answered, and there at her front door was a UPS driver, in his had was a box containing 12 red roses. Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door, this time it was a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates.

Eventually, the husband came home, tired after a hard day’s work.  His wife greeted him by saying: ‘First the flowers, then the chocolates, I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!’

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