Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Characterize yourself in …..

Thursday, August 30th, 2018

Question:
My college professor asked me to characterize myself in five words.
“Quite lazy.”


Growing Up:
A small young lady in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the collection plates. She tugged on her father’s coat sleeve to get his attention, “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”


What Glenn’s Client Say:”
“This was my second time seeing Glenn’s show, and I enjoyed the show as much the second time as I did the first.”
        Ronald Pruett, Milliken​ Corp


Great Fun Audience Interaction
info@GlennStrange.com
Or Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:
A news reporter asked a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup, and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The reporter smiles: “Ah, I understand if you are sane you will take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”


 

Got a New Dog … Named Him …

Thursday, July 26th, 2018

New Dog:
I got a new dog, and I named him Three-Miles. It sounds great to say I walk Three-Miles twice a day.


Kid and Kittens:
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Your lively entertainment made all the difference for our guest. I will not hesitate to recommend your services to our clients and associates through the year.”
          Laura Rupnik, Director of Catering
          Chateau Elan


This will be a fun night of Magic, Mentalism, and Laughter. I’m looking forward to being a part of “Atlanta Magic Night” on Friday, August 17, 2018. If you’re in the Atlanta area, click on the poster and get your tickets now. $15 advance and $20 at the door. Doors open at 7:00 pm. The show starts at 8:00 pm.
More info: https://tinyurl.com/yaop3oxt

Improve Your Event with Laughter

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PPS – Your Bonus:
FOR THE LADIES
While reading the sports section of the newspaper, Mike came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was known for his verbal abuse of his opponents and his low IQ.

“I’ll never understand,” he said to his wife, “why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replied, “Why, thank you, dear.”

It’s time to apply for your new ….

Thursday, July 19th, 2018

Only 158 days until Christmas.  It’s time to apply for new credit cards. The more cards you use, the lower your required monthly payments will be. …. you’re welcome … have a great day.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Actual Newspaper Headlines:
Subscriber, J. Jenkins sheared this with us. Thank you.
1) Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops an 800-pound ball on his head
2) Miracle cure kills fifth patient
3) City unsure why the sewer smells


Farming:
A retired farmer decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.
The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?”
The farmer replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”


Glenn’s Client Says:”

“Glenn’s comedy and magic show was just wonderful. It was received very enthusiastically by everyone in the audience from senior citizens to very young children.  Perfect entertainment for the family, or any type of gathering. We here at Covenant would highly recommend him and we look forward to booking Glenn again.”
         Mike StairCovenant
United Methodist Church
Charlotte, NC


I’m looking forward to being a part of this gathering of family entertainers in Pigeon Forge, TN.
The #1 Conference for Family Performers! Magician’s, Ventriloquists, Puppeteers, Storytellers, Clowns, Balloon Entertainers, and Variety Entertainers gather to learn from the top teachers in our industry, and network with like-minded performers. August 22-25, 2018.

Improve Your Event with Laughter

Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”


You Know You’re Lazy When …

Thursday, July 12th, 2018

We’re on the down-hill side of summer.
Please be careful on your vacation, because someone you know and somebody you have yet to meet, loves you …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  You know you’re lazy when you get excited about canceled plans.
2)  The first 50 years of marriage are the hardest.
3)  People said, “Follow your dreams”… so I went BACK TO BED!


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“I’ve asked people to give me their honest critique of our fundraiser. Without exception everyone polled and many more not asked have raved about you and the story you shared. If I lived two lifetimes, I could not thank you enough for your amazing show and your personal story.”
       Brandon Cox
Calvary Home for Children


Improving Events with Laughter


Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
A Texas rancher goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer, and they start talking.

The Aussie shows the Texan a large wheat field and the Texan says. Oh, we have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

They walk around a little, and the Australia shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have long horns that are at least as twice as large your cows.”

The conversation dies down until the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos moving across the field. “What are those?”, ask the Texan.

The Aussie replies, “What, you don’t have grasshoppers in Texas?”


Someone Told Me That …

Thursday, June 28th, 2018

“Someone told me that Hawaii is farther south than Florida. That may be true, but I can drive to Florida.” – Glenn Strange

Be careful driving on your vacation …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Teaching Johnny:
Little Johnny was making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and says, “You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret. And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can’t go back and you end up really ugly.”

Little Johnny quiets and says, “Well, at least you were warned…”


The Farmer Says:
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Glenn Strange was awesome. So talented and hilarious … he hit everything just right … we loved it! We thank him for sharing his gift and for creating laughter!!”
      Catherine Sullivan
      Clemson Sports Medicine & Rehabilitation


Your Bonus:
First Grader’s Answers

A first-grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds.

1. Don’t change horses
….. until they stop.
2. Strike while the
….. bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before
…. Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of
….. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.
…. how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that
…. looks dirty.
7. No news is
….. impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a
….. Mister.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new
…. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll
… stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust
…. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the
…. pigs.
13. An idle mind is
…. the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s
….. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who
…..gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is
…… not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s
….. the Musketeers
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what
…. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
….. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as
…. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not
….. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first, you don’t succeed
…… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
…. see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind
…… get out of the way.
25. Better late than
….. pregnant.

Improving Events with Laughter


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Our children will never hear:

Thursday, June 21st, 2018

“Our children will never hear: Call collect and ask for yourself. That way, we’ll know you got there safely.” – Glenn Strange

…. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Dr. Phil:
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee, and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“​


What People Said In Court:
The following are from actual courtroom records in a book called Disorder in the Courts, By Charles Sevilla1)   ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The Live Ones Put Up Too Much Of A Fight.2)  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the Individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a Male or a Female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.

3)  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Glenn’s act was very well received both by our management and our customers, which in turn translate to great value for those of us planning the event.”
      Rod Glinisty
      Eastman Chemical Company


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369 
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PPS – Your Bonus:
Cowboy Wisdom
Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
It’s better to be a has-been than a never-was.
If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Father’s Day Should Be Moved to …

Thursday, June 14th, 2018

“Every Mother’s Day the pastor delivers a heartfelt, loving message of praise and appreciation for mothers.  On Father’s Day, his message is for fathers to grow up, throw their toys away, and be a faithful, loving husband, that God expects them to be.  Makes me wish Father’s Day fell on a Tuesday.” – Glenn Strange

Safety Tip: When driving in the rain during the daytime. Try wearing your sunglasses. You should be able to see clearer.  Call me when you get there …. you know how I worry…

Glenn Strange

PS– Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Love Letters:
Judy’s grandmother once told Judy about how she and Judy’s grandfather met. “I was dating this man, but suddenly he left for war. We wrote love letters to each other, and I learned how splendid the man was.” Judy asked her grandmother, “So you married him when he came back from war?” Her grandmother laughed, ”Oh, no! Your grandfather was the mailman!”


Ask a Kid:
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “Sammy, how do you expect to get into Heaven?”

Sammy thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Sammy, come in or stay out!'”


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Many thanks to Glenn Strange for making our holiday party a huge success and for making me look REALLY good in front of my boss!”
      Keith McDonald, PHR
      Justice Federal Credit Union
      Washington, DC


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,”The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ’Holy Smokes!  A talking chicken!'”

Years ago I wisely invested in …

Thursday, May 31st, 2018

“Years ago I wisely invested heavily in ‘Forever Stamps’. Today every time I mail something, I make money.” – Glenn Strange

Be careful traveling on your vacation. Call me when you get there …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


The Difference Between:
Optimist:  The glass is half full.
Pessimist:  The glass is half empty.
Mother:  Why didn’t you use a coaster?


It Hurts:
The dentist says to his patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc.

Dentist: We had an emergency this morning, and it’s put me way behind. There are three people in the waiting room, and I have a 4:00 o’clock tee time!


Glenn’s Client Says:”
“Glenn’s program was clean, funny and intelligent.  Totally appropriate to our crowd and the occasion and believe it or not, that was one of the comments I heard the most. He has set the bar high.”
    Sandy Servin
Exopack Holding Corp. 


Making Happy People Appear


Call  864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus:
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. He usually had Monday’s off, but because of weekly rains, he had not been able to play golf for over a month.

On one Sunday, it turned out to be a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, the temperature was just right, and there was very little wind. They were calling for rain the next day. The preacher wasn’t sure what to do….play golf or give the Sunday service. The urge to play golf overcame him, and he called in his assistant pastor to take care of the Sunday service for him. The preacher packed up his car and drove 3 hours to a course where no one would recognize him.

An angel above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God and said, “look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” God nodded in agreement.

All alone but enjoying it immensely, the preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive. The ball ripped through the still air straight as an arrow, and 400 yards later it landed the green where it gently rolled into the cup. A picture-perfect hole in one!

The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel was in shock. The angel turned to God and said, ” I thought that you were going to punish him?”

God smiled and said, “I did….who’s he going to tell?”


Never Assume

Thursday, May 10th, 2018

To find out a time when you should never assume, read the bonus joke at the end.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


That One kid:
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?

Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”


Why English is Hard:
1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound*.
2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.
3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse*.


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Glenn, your show was GREAT! I heard many favorable comments. We thank you for performing at the ‘Lyric Theatre’ and hope you can come back.
        Brant Beene – Executive Director
Lyric Theatre and Alabama Theatre


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
The Bulletin Newspaper photographer’s request was approved, and he quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He only had 2 hours to make his news deadline. He was told a twin-engine plane would be running and waiting for him when he arrived at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the twin-engine warming up outside a hanger. Holding his camera bag, he jumped in the seat beside the pilot, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over Mount Stuart and make a few low passes over the fires on the hillsides.’ ‘Why?’ asked the pilot. ‘Because I’m a photographer for the Bulletin’ he responded,’and I need to get some close aerial shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . .. You’re NOT my flight instructor?’


I Don’t Think That’s True …

Thursday, May 3rd, 2018

I just read on the internet that it’s It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. I really don’t think that’s true, because I’ve never seen a cow on the second floor.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Kids:
Teacher:“Who can tell me 5 wild animals?”
Little Johnny:“2 lions & 3 wolves.”


Dog Value:
Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know a dog that’s worth $10,000.’

‘Really?’ replies the other man. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much?’


Glenn’s Client Says:

“It was a fun time we so enjoyed it. We will go see him perform anytime. Sides still hurting from all the laughter. Thank you.”
         Dorothy Bronson
Audience Member


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A married couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the husband gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen,” he replies.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream — I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says… “Where’s my toast?

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