Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Christmas Laughs

Thursday, December 7th, 2017

Only 18 more sleeps until Christmas.
Please be careful …….. you know how I worry.

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Questions:
“Q” How do you know Santa has to be a man?
“A” No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

“Q”  What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“A” It’s Christmas, Eve!

“Q”  What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
“A” The letter “D”!


Pick One:
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus all got into the elevator of the hotel. As the elevator traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, they noticed a $100 bill lying on the elevator floor. Which one picked up the $100 bill, and turned it into the hotel receptionist?

Santa Claus, the other two don’t exist.​


Make Your Event the Best
It’s a scientific fact: Laughter is strong medicine. It draws people together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. So, hire Comedian Magician Glenn Strange for your next event and reduce sadness, fuss fights, and related medical expenses.​


Lyric Theater Birmingham
Only a Few Tickets Left
The Good News Is:
Not a Bad Seat In The House
Three on a String – Home for Christmas:
The Warblers
Something Else Trio
Glenn Strange

December 12, Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Three weeks before Christmas, little Johnny asked his mother if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Johnny, having just played a major role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. Johnny went to his room and wrote ‘ Dear Jesus, I’ve been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.’ But he wasn’t very happy when he read it over. So, he decided to try again, and this time he wrote ‘Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.’ He read it back and wasn’t happy with that one either. He tried a third version. ‘Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.’ He read that one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied.

So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time, he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary on the front lawn. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. ‘Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you’d better send me a new bike.’


 

Hallmark Christmas Stories

Monday, November 20th, 2017

Well, it’s only the beginning of December and I’ve already had my fill of Hallmark Christmas movies. This year they started airing on November 5. All 22 new versions of the same old plot, with different faces. Everyone’s still whispering their lines, and you can hear soft jingling, tinkling bells in the background all through the entire show. Throughout the movie, you’re pulling for 2 people to realize they’re perfect for each other. Somewhere in the last 5 minutes, they give up, fall in love, the music gets louder, and snow starts falling. THE END. The only difference I see this year is that all the characters have upgraded their mobile phone service, and they’re using smartphones.  I’m just waiting to see if one of the characters has a pocket battery explosion. Probably not going to happen, cause that would add excitement, and that’s something no Hallmark movie has ever had. Thanks for listing. Pass me the tissues.IMG_0069 - Version 2 – Version 3

Laughter = Lasting Memories

Saturday, November 11th, 2017

“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.” ~Yiddish Proverb​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


We Are Different:
1)  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

2)  A man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn’t want.

3)  A woman marries a man expecting he will change but doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.


Last Words:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past 5 years. The NTSB secretly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in 4 wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Watch out!”

In Alabama, 87.6% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, watch this!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I’ve had the privilege of seeing Glenn perform for high school students with their parents, and also senior adults. Glenn was marvelous at connecting with both. He has the unique ability to make the audience feel comfortable and appreciated”
Rev. C. Trammel
Catawba Baptist Church


For Your Entertainment Needs

Make Your Event Great!
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PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding. A cop pulls him over, and ask the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The policeman calls for backup. Soon police cars and helicopters are everywhere. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. Before he gets in the backseat, another cop walks up and says, “Sir, Officer Spice informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”​


Laughter Must Be Shared

Friday, November 10th, 2017

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Irish Headstone:
Reilly was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription, “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the 2 of them in one grave?’


Irish Humor At Its Best:

Soon after O’Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. ‘To be sure it was Boss’, he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No, ‘replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Everyone loved Glenn’s show and we can’t wait for the opportunity to work with Glenn again!”
       The EMS Family
Event Management Solutions​



Make Your Event Great!
Call:  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one Saturday night, a policeman spotted O’Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

‘Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had 6 or 7 pints,’ chattered the inebriated O’Callaghan. ‘Then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had 4 or 5 o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend O’Reilly home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later …,’ and O’Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The police officer sighed and said, ‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’

Indignantly, O’Callaghan replied, ‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’​​



Don’t Know Why I’ve Been This Happy

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Tip:  This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies. Safety Tip: This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills. Please be careful ….. you know how I worry. Glenn Strange PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
2). If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3). I intend to live forever. So far so good.


Don’t Ask:
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “No sweetie.”

The wife said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the husband said, “Okay, I probably would”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the husband replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”​​


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Glenn was great last night, at St. Johnsbury Academy, in St. Johnsbury, VT. I found it gut splitting funny, my hubby and I laughed so hard!”
         Deborah Frenetic
Stanstead, Quebec, Canada​



Specializing In Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Your Bonus:

The Devil Made Me Do It:
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but were unhurt. This must be some kind of a sign.”

The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.”

“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

“Aren’t you going to have any? asks the priest.

“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”


 

April Fools Can Be Any Month

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

“I have great faith in fools — self-confidence, my friends call it.” – Edgar Allan Poe

Make someone laugh today. It’ll make you and them happier.

Today’s Safety Tip: “Remember, your first mistake can also be your last.”  Please be careful on the highways and in old abandoned wells… you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s BONUS funny at the very end.


April 1, Jokes to Try:
1)  Call your dentist office and remind them that you do not have an appointment next week.
2)  Hang a scented air fresheners all over someone’s office door.
3)  Place strong magnets inside a McDonald’s bag, locate the bag on the roof of your car and drive around.


Earth Science Question:

The teacher was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a long silence, a voice came from the back of the room, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”


What Glenn’s Client Said:
“I have never heard the residents laugh so hard or so much. Your show was professional, funny and very entertaining.”
      Bonnie Williams
Activities Director​



Celebrate with Laughter
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Speakers Bureau, Talent Agency
or CALL Directly

864-439-1369 
Just hit *Reply*


PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Teacher: “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”​​


Laughter In Business = Higher Profits

Wednesday, November 8th, 2017

If March had only 30 days, April Fool’s Day would fall on April 2.

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Have You Noticed?:
1) “Half of this planet’s starving and the other half’s on a diet.”
2) “Anger is one letter short of danger.”
3) “After one realizes he’s been a fool, he’s not a fool anymore.”


Call 1-800-999-9999:

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We rotate the annual Southern Group of State Foresters meeting around to all 13 southern states, and I can tell you that comments from many participants indicated your’s was the ’best show in years.’“

       W. Lazenby
Georgia Forestry Commission

For Your Entertainment Needs

Call
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.  “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test, and the question was,  ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’  Mary put Abraham Lincoln, and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night, and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, hold on,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’  Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither.'”



Laughter: Life’s Common Denominator

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

Did you know a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana? It’s true; it’s on the internet. I just wonder what they did to the guy that sold the monkey the cigarette?

“Remember, there’s a reason George Washington never text and drove at the same time ….. please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”


News:

At the doctor’s office, Tom was having his yearly checkup. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show! Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance …. He mystified us, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
      S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In 1999, an elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

The customs officer sarcastically​ asked,”You have been to France before, monsieur?”

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The gentleman said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible, Americans’ always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach, on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


Laughing Employees = Loyal Customers

Saturday, November 4th, 2017

A Little Known Fact:  Roses are RED, and Violets are VIOLET.

“Remember, “A rat can last longer without water than a camel, but a rat’s harder to ride.”

Please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Go make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


State Slogans:
Alabama:  “At Least We’re Not Mississippi”
California:  “As Seen on TV”

Rhode Island: “We’re Not Really an Island”

You’ll Never Hear a Southern Boy Say:

1)  “Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.”
2)  “Unsweetened tea tastes better.”
3) “Would you like your fish poached or broiled?”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your show was very well received by our employees and their guest.  The comments made were all very complimentary.  Thank you for providing us with good wholesome entertainment.”
      Pat Shaddy, Human Resources
Amana​



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
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PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
One beautiful autumn day, a park ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead bald eagle. “Hey mister, the bald eagle is a protected species, and killing one is a punishable offense,” said the Park Ranger.

The man was swiftly arrested and ushered before the judge.

In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle, he would have died from starvation.

“I was so hungry,” complained the defensive camper, “the bald eagle was the only food I could find!”

To everyone’s amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.

In the judge’s closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I’d like to know: What did it taste like?”

The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”


Laughter is the Best Medicine

Thursday, November 2nd, 2017

Today is”National Men Make Dinner Day”. Who gets to decide this kind of stuff anyway? Men are supposed to plan the menu (no BBQ. pizza, or grilling allowed). Purchase the ingredients, prepare, serve, and clean up. Looks like I’m passing out “Buy One Get One Free” Whopper Burger coupons.

WARNING: Only 53 days until Christmas! ​​​Those “Hallmark Christmas Stories” started airing October 27. Same story over and over, with different faces.​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Semi-Wisdom:
1) Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.
2)  How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you’re on.
3)  Shopping Tip: You can get shoes for under $2.50 at most bowling alleys.


Health and Fitness:
My gym has a new machine. Only used it for half an hour, as I started feeling sick.  It’s a great machine. It has everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, and more.​


Highly Recommended
I’m excited, and I highly recommend you experience this hilarious musical group, “Three On a String”. Trust me! If you love great music and love laughing, you will be thoroughly entertained.​I first worked with these guys over 20 years ago, and we became instant friends.  (Well, at least I like them) They’re naturally funny and amazing musicians. Between them, they play over 25 instruments. Their programs contain bluegrass, folk, rock, country, a little rap, and even the classics. Did I mention they are funny?

Tickets for “Three On a String” performance are the perfect Christmas gift for your friends and family. Tickets are easy to purchase online, and they’re easy to wrap.  ​


Who? “Three on a String”
Where? Newberry Opera House on January 6, 2018
What? Great music, hilarious storytelling and comedy skits
Why? Once you see them, you’ll never forget them
Ticket Information: Click Here

PPS – Your Bonus:

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Sam asked, “how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Well, first,” he replied, “you ask him a simple question which he should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made 3 voyages around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Sam thought for a moment, and then asked, “Do you have another example? I’ve never been much of a history buff?”

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