Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

A Time To Laugh

Thursday, August 3rd, 2017

August 3, is “National Watermelon Day”. So, take a watermelon to lunch.

SAFETY WARNING: Watermelons are 91.5% water. So, if you’re planning to travel across a desert, you should take watermelons with you. Remember, they’re hard to carry because they don’t have handles. …..  you know how I worry.


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
2)  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
3)  The way some people find fault, you’d think there was some kind of reward.


First Date:
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone, so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

Just has he had planned his phone rang at 8:15. He told his date, “Please forgive me; I must take this call.” When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”

“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “Mine was scheduled to die at 8:35.”​​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Thanks a million-jillion-gazillion times for the superb performance ….!!!
We have never gotten that kind of positive response from our student body… EVER!!! You certainly were the
right man, with the right cause, at the right time… for all the right reasons!!!”
      M. Walker
Department of Juvenile Justice​


PPS – Your Bonus:

Bank Business
The loans officer says the bank will need security for a $10,000 loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his new Rolls Royce, parked the nearby bank’s parking lot. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground secure garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $10,000, plus interest, which is $25.08. The loans officer says: “We are delighted to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbourside mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”

The man replied: “Where else in New York City, can I park my car safely for two weeks for $25?”


Worry Free Clean Comedy
Everyone Remembers Laughing
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Take a Minute to Laugh

Sunday, July 30th, 2017

June 15th is National Smile Power Day.  This is a day for everyone to share the power of the smile.

Your smile cost you nothing but can be priceless to those that care about you.

Remember: Worn tires make all roads dangerous. Replace your tires before you hear the sound of breaking glass ….. you know how I worry.


Nonsense:

1) You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
2) Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
3) Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Traffic Signs:

A cop pulls over a car with 5 nuns on their way to an out of town meeting.
Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”
Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”
Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“The response from everyone has been overwhelmingly positive. We are still laughing at some of your jokes and the sight of our distinguished administrator on stage with you.”
        Debra Hancock, Rn, CNN
Dialysis Clinics, Inc.


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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Understanding Why

Aman woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the 1st bottle swearing, “You’re the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the 2nd bottle, “You’re the reason my children don’t speak to me”.

He smashed the 3rd bottle, “You’re the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the 4th bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for a moment and said, “You stand aside. I know you were not involved”.


Time For Your Laugh Break

Saturday, July 29th, 2017

Because of June 22, being “National Onion Ring Day”, your bonus this week in a mouth-watering fried onion ring recipe.

Remember: It only takes a second to change someone’s life. Keep your little ones and yourself safe. Use the back burners for cooking and turn your pot and pan handles away from the edge of the stove. ….. you know how I worry.


Wisdom:
1)  If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2)  Age is a high price for maturity.
3)  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.


Shopping:
A 56-year-old man walked into a hardware store.
Clerk:  “May I help you find something?”
Man:  “How about my misspent youth.”
Clerk: “Oh, we keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”


Lost Wife:
Husband: My wife’s missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff:  Height?
Husband:  I’m not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff:  Weight?
Husband:  She won’t tell me. She’s not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff:  Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed.
Sheriff:  Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year, not sure. I can’t remember.
Sheriff:  What was she wearing?
Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt. I don’t know exactly.
Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:  She went in my truck.
Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?
Husband:  A pearl white, 2016 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching bed cover. Leather seats and Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with a sunroof (never been opened), GPS navigation, 8 cup holders, a USB port, and 4 power outlets. Special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a large scratch on the driver’s door.
At this point, the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it, easy sir, we’ll find your truck!


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show!  Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance.  He mystified, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
S. Cash
        The Parnell-Martin Companies


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
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PSS – Your Bonus Onion Ring Recipe:Serves 4 people
INGREDIENTS:
1) Two Large Onions
2) One cup all-purpose flour
3) Two cups buttermilk
4) One tablespoon sugar
5) One teaspoon baking powder
6) Half teaspoon salt
7) Peanut oil
DIRECTIONS:
1) Cut onions into 1/2-inch slices, and separate into rings.
2) Set aside.
3) Whisk together flour and next 4 ingredients until smooth.
4) Pour 2″ depth oil into a Dutch oven (heavy cooking pot); heat to 375°.
5) Dip onion rings in batter, coating well.
6) Fry, a few rings at a time, until golden.
7) Drain on paper towels.
8) Serve immediately.


 

Time For A Laugh Break

Friday, July 28th, 2017

June 29, is National Camera Day. George Eastman did not invent the camera, but he did improve the use, ease, and production of the camera, making it available to the world. I just discovered that I can actually make phone calls with my camera. Amazing!


July 4 Fun Facts:
1)  Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson served on the committee that picked the eagle for the national seal (Franklin wanted the turkey).
2)  Bald eagles have few natural enemies and live only in North America.
3)  Bald eagles get their white head and tail feathers about 4/5 years of age.
4)  Bald eagles are not, and never were bald. The term comes from when “bald” meant “white-headed”.
5)  Their maximum speed: 40 mph or over 100 mph while in a dive.
6)  Bald eagles mate for life, but if one dies, the survivor will accept a new mate.
7)  The only other kind of eagle in North America is the golden eagle.
8)  They can lift roughly half their body weight.
9)  The Bald Eagle is no longer considered endangered, and now only threatened.
10) It is a felony to shoot an eagle.


4th of July & Barbeque:
A man was out for a walk one day, and on his travels, he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.

“This is no ordinary pig,” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire department and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”

“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned – knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.”

The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said: “Yes yes, but what about the wooden leg?”

“Well,” said the farmer “when you’ve got a pig as good as that, you don’t eat him all at once!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn’s combination of magic and comedy made our celebration a huge success.  People are still talking about his “Mind Reading Kit.”
      James Harlan
Eastman Kodak


Humorous & Thought Provoking Quotes of Benjamin Franklin (1705-1790)
1) “Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise.”
2) “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.”
3) “Fish and visitors smell in three days.”
4) “Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.”
5) “Well done is better than well said.”
6) “There never was a good war nor a bad peace.”
7) “Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both.”
8)  “Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. ”
9)  “Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?”
10) “Little strokes fell great oaks.”


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Call   864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

Make Time To Laugh

Wednesday, July 26th, 2017

July 27, is “National Chili Dog Day”. In the south, a Chili Dog is just a normal Hot Dog. If you remove the Chili, it’s just a weenie on a bun.

Now that I think about it, every Saturday in the South is considered, “National Hot Dog Day”.

Safety Tip: A hot dog weenie in the hands of a child under the age of 5 is a “Choking Hazard”; not a food source. Please remember this ….. you know how I worry.


Greek Mythology:
The teacher asked: “What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and half animal?”
Billy raised his hand. “Yes?” the teacher acknowledged.
“Buffalo Bill,” replied Billy.


The Inheritance:
Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, “Hey my man, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”

“That’s not bad at all…!”

“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”

“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”

“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”

“So why are so glum?”

“This week – nothing!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn performed for us in Washington, DC. He was hilariously funny, and everyone enjoyed his show. I will keep him in mind for future opportunities.”
       Debbie Settle
CMS, Inc


Your Bonus Laugh

A large, well-established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.

“Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Call   864-439-1369
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Take a Minute to Laugh

Wednesday, July 26th, 2017

July 6, is National Fried Chicken Day. A special “Thank You” to Scottish immigrants that introduced Southern America to this tradition. Some people are dog people, and some are cat people, but my favorite pet is fried chicken.

Speaking of pets: Today’s Pet Safety Tip:  Don’t let your dog ride in an open truck bed. Put your brother-in-law back there and let your dog ride up front with you ….. you know how I worry.


Then and Now:
In the 1950’s, a father would come home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, and I’m working late. Pizza in the fridge.”


Pearls of Wisdom:
1) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
2) Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.​
3) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.​


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“To say people have talked about Glenn Strange since the convention is an understatement. Glenn’s act was refreshingly original and one of the funniest we have had ever seen.”
       James Batten
New York Upstate Magi Fest


Everyone Enjoys Clean Comedy
Call   864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

I Read It In A Book

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House”. Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the ‘Law.’ You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and you will do as I want! Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess unless I decide to have you cremated.”

Hallmark Christmas Stories of 2016

Sunday, December 4th, 2016

Well, it’s only the beginning of December and I’ve already had my fill of Hallmark Christmas movies. This year they started airing on November 5, 2016. All 22 new versions of the same old plot, with different faces. Everyone’s still whispering their lines, and you can hear soft jingling, tinkling bells in the background all through the entire show. Throughout the movie, you’re pulling for 2 people to realize they’re perfect for each other. Somewhere in the last 5 minutes, they give up, fall in love, the music gets louder, and snow starts falling. THE END. The only difference I see this year is that all the characters have upgraded their mobile phone service, and they’re using smartphones.  I’m just waiting to see if one of the characters has a pocket battery explosion. Probably not going to happen, cause that would add  excitement, and that’s something no Hallmark movie has ever had. Thanks for listing. Pass me the tissues.IMG_0069 - Version 2 – Version 3

Upside Down Truck

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

You spent $60,000.00, 6 years building your super hot rod show car. You take it out for the first time to drive on a beautiful sunny day. You stop at the red-light and this guy pulls up beside you, with his $6000, 6 month build and no one notices your car.

 

Best Job In the World

Thursday, February 26th, 2015

The TV weather-person has to be the best job in the world. They never get fired for being wrong, they receive praises when they call it right, and their boss lets them play outside when it snows.

WEATHER ALART: It’s snowing in SC tonight. Please remember to keep fresh unfrozen water and food for your outside pets, the wild birds, and the TV weather people. They’re all outside and unable to care for themselves.

weather

Good Foot Brian Williams …. What a Guy

Saturday, February 14th, 2015

brian-williams

I first met Brian Williams in 2004, where we finished 5th and 6th in the New York City Marathon. We became best friends in 2005, at the Quebec Winter Triathlon. Where he twisted his ankle on a used water bottle and was ready to give up. I threw him on my back and we tied for 9th.

Brian was devastated because he believed, and was convinced he would be unable to compete in running events for at least a year. After all, that’s what his doctor, Dr. Oz had told him. Brian was slipping into a deep depression. He was losing his passion for running.

I had to do something, and do it quickly. That’s when I came up with the brilliant idea that Brian and I would team up to go on the Southeastern Three Legged Sack Race Circuit. Just to verify my plan, I contacted my personal friend, Dr. Phil. He was in the middle of show taping, but for some reason, on that day he took my call during a commercial break. He agreed that my plan of competing in Three Legged Sack Races would be a good activity to keep Brian from depression. He also said, he wished he had thought of it. Little did I know how competitive Brian would be by using just his good foot.

That 2005 summer we entered and won every Three Legged Sack Race on the Southeastern Circuit. Over 23 races within a 16 week period. It was an extremely tiring, demanding, and grueling schedule. Lots of farm day festivals, county fairs, and medium size church picnics.

23 first place wins! I don’t think I’ve every witnessed anyone equal to Brian’s strong determination, confidence, and his laser like focus. … Brian Williams …. what a guy.

THE REST OF THE STORY
So, now you know where the slogan, “Put Your Best Foot Forward”  came from…. Thank you,  Brian Williams …. what a guy.

written and lied by Glenn Strange 2015ⓒ

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