Posts Tagged ‘clean comedians’

Jokes

Thursday, September 26th, 2019

Just a friendly reminder. Only 90 days until Christmas. It’s time to apply for all those new credit cards before they get gone.


Be safe ….. you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the bottom.

Today’s Heavy Thought:

A bird in the hand is… better than a woodpecker on your head.

Grammar:

The teacher asked, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”
Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”
Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”

What Clients Say:

“WOW! What a show!! Everyone is still raving about how great and funny your show was. This was the second time I had seen you perform and I laughed harder and longer.

Ken Couch, RPh
South Carolina Pharmacy Association

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PPS – Bonus Joke:

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her students that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora“), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador“), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to push the right buttons;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Laugh at Your Problems

Thursday, May 16th, 2019

Remember. “Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.” You’re welcome.


Kids:

Billy: “Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother: “I don’t think so, Billy. Why do you ask?”
Billy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”


Yard Sale:

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a yard sale.
They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head, and said. “I’m still wearing the 33s, come back next year.”


The Artist:

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”

“What did you say?” questioned the artist.

“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

Your Laugh Break For Today

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2017

My neighbor’s got a drone and my dog’s got anxiety. I’m just waiting until the day they collide.

I hope your summer’s off to a good start with lots of family laughter and happy memories coming your way.

Enjoy this week’s funnies and remember to be safe traveling. Especially, in the highway construction areas.

You know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Musical Jokes:

Q: What’s the range of an accordion?
A: About twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!.”

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I’ve been arrested three times for practicing.” – Steven Wright


Ask An Expert:

A man went to the Police Station demanding to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”


PSS – Your Bonus Funny:

A guy driving an old Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn Strange did an excellent job for the Employees’ Service Banquet. We will be glad to recommend his performance for any group needing good, clean entertainment.”
       Wade Bowman, Manager
Coats American



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