Posts Tagged ‘clean comedian’

Easter’s This Coming Sunday

Wednesday, April 17th, 2019

Wisdom or Not?:

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
3) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Answer Coming Next Week:

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.


PPS – Bonus Joke:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anythingwas troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it’s actually worse than that. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’mgoing, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”


My Car Has a Problem

Thursday, April 4th, 2019

“My car has a problem. When I drive and eat donuts, the steering wheel gets sticky.” – Glenn Strange

The Joys of Parenthood:

Mother: “So what have you been doing at school today?”
Little Johnny: “I don’t really want to talk about it, right now. Watch the news, at 6:00.”​

Ten Commandments:

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy mother,” she asked, “is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

Give the Gift of Laughter

Book Glenn  for Your Event?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Bonus Joke:

One day, a man is walking along the beach and comes across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubs it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appears. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie.

The man is ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the genie continues. “What catch?” asks the man, eyeing the genie suspiciously. The genie replies, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you ask for.” “Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replies the elated man.

“What is your first wish?” asks the genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appears in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” says the genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars,” replies the man, and POOF! One million dollars appears at his feet. “Now every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the genie reminds the man. “Well, that’s OK, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replies the man.

“And what is your final wish?” asks the genie. The man thinks long and hard, and finally says, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”


St. Patrick’s Day is Near

Thursday, March 14th, 2019

Excitement:

Murry was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.


After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, ‘Not guilty.’


‘That’s GREAT!,’ shouted Murry, ‘Does that mean I get to keep the money?’

Question of the Day:

Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?


A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Glenn Makes People Happy

Contact: info@GlennStrange.com

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

Irish Mothers Chat:

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna, were talking about their sons.


Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he
hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’


Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not
looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.’


‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’

‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.’

Little Johnny Hits Again

Thursday, March 7th, 2019

Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”


The Way It Is:

Occasionally, women call me ugly. But that’s only until they hear how much
money I make. – Then they call me poor and ugly.


What People Say About Glenn:

“Your show is hilariously funny, clean, and doesn’t offend anyone. That mix is hard to find these days and very refreshing. Our entire group raved about your magic act.”
Sarah Percival
Fluor Daniel Engineering, Inc.


PPS – Bonus Joke:

Harry was thrilled. After seeing a psychologist for over three years, he was
finally pronounced free to go. “Wow this is so exciting you mean I am finally cured?!” “You mean I no longer have an inferiority complex!”

“Well,” said the psychologist slowly, “to be perfectly honest. I don’t
think you ever had an inferiority complex. After much thought. I believe you really are inferior!”


The Last Day of Febuary​

Thursday, February 28th, 2019

Today’s the last day of February. I guess February is the shortest month because the calendar-maker didn’t like cold weather. I understand he eventually moved to Florida.


BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange


Drugs

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”


Pharmacist: “You mean aspirin?”


Chemist: “That’s it! I can never remember that word.”


Hungry

I made a mistake and went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle Five.


What People Say About Glenn

“Having Glenn be part of the meeting on that first evening together definitely helped the group bond, interact with one another, and laugh together. Those that participated on the stage with Glenn became somewhat of a conference celebrity and asked if anyone had pictures……”
Barbara Lehew
Carolinas Credit Union League

Making Happy People Appear

Your Event Will be FUN?

email: info@GlennStrange.com

CALL: 864-439-1369
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Bonus Joke

When your first child eats some dirt, a bit of grass, or a worm, you take it to a doctor.

When your third child eats some dirt, a bit of grass, or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.

When your third child eats some dirt, a bit of grass, or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.


Laughter Leads to Loving

Thursday, February 14th, 2019

Because today is February 14, this is a Special Valentine Love edition.

BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Young Love:

Little Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Little Boy: “Really?”
Little Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”


Business Marketing:

A lady walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man
standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?

“But why would you do that?” she asks.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.”


I’m Excited:

On March 9, 2019, I will be performing two shows at the “Country Tonite Theatre” in Pigeon Forge, TN. I’m honored to be a part of the entertainment for this year’s “Winter Carnival of Magic”. Magicians and variety entertainers will be attending this long-running convention from all parts of the US, and the surrounding world. In other words, “There’s going to be a lot of professional deceivers there.”

Let’s Work Together to Bring
Fun and Laughter to Your Event?

Email: info@GlennStrange.com

Or CALL: 8640-439-1369

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Bonus Joke:

The Kids Were Asked

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Allen, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” Kirsten, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” Fred,
age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.” Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

“When they’re rich.” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET
MARRIED?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?” Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.” Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” Ricky, age 10

So, What’s Next?

Tuesday, February 5th, 2019

Well, Ground Hog Day and the Super Bowl are over. So, what’s next? Did you know? For the 11th straight year, Waffle House® restaurants will be the perfect spot for a romantic candlelight Valentine’s Day date.

More than 170 Waffle House restaurants in 19 states will be serving up special, white-tablecloth dinner service for the night dedicated to love.

Here’s a list of participating locations at wafflehouse.com.

I can’t think of a better way to make an everlasting impression on that special person.

BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Movie Restrictions:

I just came back from court. They charged this guy with bringing his own candy, popcorn, and cola into the movie theater. It’s sad that he lost, and he had to pay all the court fees plus his lawyer. The good thing is: he still has a few dollars left compared to what it would have cost him at the movie theater.


May I Take Your Order:

“Yes, I’ll have a vodka please!”
“Sir, this is a McDonald’s.”
“Yeah, yeah, okay. Then I’ll have a McVodka.” ​


What People Say About Glenn:

“Glenn is the best magician I’ve ever seen. He was a good baby too.”
Audry Strange
Glenn’s Mother


Making Happy People Appear

Your Event Will Be FUN?

Contact: info@GlennStrange.com

Or CALL 864-439-1369

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Bonus Joke:

Mrs. Hannie, the 6th-grade teacher, posed a math problem to her classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-tenth is to go to his wife, one-tenth is to go to his son, one-fourth to his butler, and the rest goes to his cat. Now, the question is: what does each person get?”

After a very long silence, Little Johnny raised his hand.

“Yes Johnny, what is your answer.”

Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”


Guess What Day It Is?

Thursday, January 24th, 2019

Today Jan 24, is “National Peanut Butter Day”. I hear “Jelly” is offended. BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Math Question:

The teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention.
She called on him and asked, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”


Simple Definition:

Here’s the difference between “Complete” and “Finished”.
When you marry the right person, you are Complete.
When you marry the wrong person, you are Finished.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are Completely Finished..!!!


Glenn’s Client Said:

“Glenn Strange recently gave an encore performance at our church. I say encore because the response to Glenn’s entertaining humor and magic four years ago was such that it commanded that we invite him again. If you are looking for clean, competent, and quality entertainment for any group, I highly recommend Glenn.”

Jerry Long – Shandon Baptist Church

Making Happy People Appear:

Your Event Will be FUN?

Contact: info@GlennStrange.com
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Bonus Joke:

Thinking back, I remember going through Hurricane Irma in Florida. I was ready for it, but my wife was not!


When the wind reached its full screaming pitch, with the trees snapping and threshing, the rain streaming horizontally, tin roof panels and destroyed fences flying by, as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was firmly rooted to one spot.
She stared and stared through the glass of the window, unmoving, with her nose pressed to the windowpane. The look of stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.


Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I open the door and let her in.


Get your Valentine’s Day gift early

Friday, January 18th, 2019

Only 15 Days until Groundhog Day. Better buy your Valentine’s gift before they get gone.

BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Math Question:

The teacher asks: “Now, Susan, how many fingers have you?”

Susan: “Ten.”

Teacher: “Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have?”

Susan: “No more piano lessons.”


Ear Deal:

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. “It’s the best I’ve ever had,” he says. “It cost $3,000.”

His friend asks, “What kind is it?”

He says, “Half past four!”


Glenn’s Client Said:

“Thanks for a GREAT program at our annual Banquet. I’ve received many
compliments for your performance and everyone had a really great time.
Thanks for sharing your talent, and some good, clean, fun with our group.”

T Frazier
Alabama Trucking Association


Making Happy People Appear

Your Event Will be FUN?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

Call: 864-439-1369


PPS – Bonus Joke:

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one person
could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.


Kicked Out of Heaven

Thursday, October 11th, 2018

Only 19 days until Halloween. Time to buy your candy or prepare to sit quietly in the dark.

BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the bottom.


Baby Brother:
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”


New Math:
The teacher asks Mike if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says. “My daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers little Mike.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers Mike.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did an excellent job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Mike.


What the Chamber of Commerce Said:
“We have received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode, reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure. They’re also still trying to figure out how in the world he made it snow.”
         Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce


Make Your Next Event Fun

PPS – Your Bonus:
Documented 9-1-1 Calls:

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before, and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher:9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven, but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:  I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:  Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.


watch demo

Newsletter & Updates Signup!