Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Fruitcake Kills

Thursday, October 5th, 2017

Hello <<First Name>>,

Only 80 more days until Christmas. Time to order that fruit cake and start making your plans.

SAFETY TIP: No one has ever choked from eating fruitcake, but people have broken teeth.
Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Health Tip:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.


Politics, Dogs, and Games:
1) I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
2) A sign In a Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
3) No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.​”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Without your help, the summer activities would not have been the same. It has been a long-standing tradition here at Kiawah to provide our guest with the utmost guest satisfaction, and we truly appreciate you continuing to promote this high standard of excellence.”
    Kari Bowman
Kiawah Island Golf Resort​



Plan Your Christmas Event NOW
Let’s Make Your Event Fun.
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, “I was two hours early today, so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound bass and had to take it home. If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”.

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.  He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 22 feet tall and had 7-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The small dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?”

Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”


 

Hallmark Channel Overdose

Sunday, November 30th, 2014

I feel I’ll throw up, if I have to watch another “Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie”. My wife took possession of the TV remote Thanksgiving night. It’s now only the first part of December, and I’ve already had enough Christmas. Every Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie has the same basic storyline. All they do is change the faces, the names, and the “Welcome To” sign, at the edge of some small town. And, every character in the movie speaks with a low soft voice like they’re visiting the family at a funeral home.

A typical Hallmark storyline goes like this: Beautiful small town girl can’t wait to grow up, graduate college, and move to the big city to land a high paying corporate job, become famous, and live the dream life married to a wealthy doctor. After about 10 years of being away from her small hometown, she’s forced to return to care for one or both of her aging and/or dying parents. She returns home divorced by the doctor, and with a 6 year old daughter. She’s forced to take a job in retail for a friend of the family’s gift shop.

One day as she’s walking on her hometown downtown sidewalk, she runs into her old sweetheart. The guy she dated when she was a cheerleader and he was the high school star quarterback. It seems, 3 years ago, his wife was killed in a single car accident, on a rain-slickened highway. He’s still grieving and suffering from nightmares. He feels it was his fault, because of his low paying job, he couldn’t afford a new set of Michelins. Now, he’s a single dad with a handsome little boy, that just happens to be the same exact age as her beautiful daughter.

They mess around in the movie for a good 50 to 60 minutes. One’s in love with the other and the other keeps fighting it. Then with 12 minutes left in the movie, it’s always Christmas time. (I can still hear that Hallmark bell tinkling sound in the background. Same music that’s used in every Hallmark Movie.) Well, they finally agree that they’re in love and should get marry, because that’s what they should’ve done when they were young. The last scene is at night, and everyone in town’s happy, singing Christmas songs in the park, and it’s snowing like crazy. THE END. Pass me another Kleenex, and get ready cause there’s another one a comin on.

Sorry, thanks for listening. I feel better now.

Reducing Christmas Shopping Stress & Lowering Cost

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

Early Christmas Eve morning this “Strange” family will convoy to Denny’s for a Grand Slam Breakfast. (Waffle House ruled out because of non-family friendly booths). After breakfast, it’s off to Lowes for gift exchanging. Each family member will bring a spring loaded wooden clothespin, their Christmas wish list & a #2 pencil.  Once inside, each person will claim a Christmas tree & attach their wish list to an eye level branch. Then the Christmas shopping will begin.

Each person will shop the store for one gift per family member. They’ll place that unwrapped gift under the family member’s tree & mark that item off the wish list, using their #2 pencil. Once everyone has finished shopping we’ll circle the trees, hold hands and sing “Jingle Bells”, Elvis’ “Blue Christmas”, and the first verse of “Silent Night”.

Each person will then buggy up the gifts from under their claimed Christmas tree, proceed to checkout, without the tree, & pay for the gifts they were given. By everyone paying for their own gifts, no one will have a tendency to ask for overly expensive gifts, and everyone will receive only gifts they really want.  Coupons are permitted and encouraged.

 

Christmas at Lowes Benefits

1. No Christmas tree to buy, water, or store

2. Reduces shopping time

3. Eliminates home decorating cost

4. No increase in electric bill

5. No fighting mall traffic

6. Eliminates returning presents

7. No gift wrapping

8. Decorations look new

9. Eliminates re-gifting

10. Reduces cleanup time

The Perfect Christmas Tree

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

After years of searching, I’m happy to announce I’ve discovered the perfect Christmas Tree.

1)  No Searching Christmas Tree Lots

2)  No Hiking In Woods

3)  No Chainsaw Required

4)  Never Have To Buy or Borrow a Truck

4)  No Aggravating Tree Stand

5)  Eliminates the Attic Crawl

6)  Sets Up Quickly

7)  No Messy Pine Needles To Clean Up

8)  Never Needs Watering

9)  Stays Decorated

10)  Fire Proof

11)  Eco-Friendly

12)  Dog Friendly

13)  Easy To Store

14)  Fresh Pine Smell

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