Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Little Known Credit Card Warning

Thursday, January 18th, 2018

Only 431 days left to pay off this past Christmas.

Credit Card WARNING:  You could damage your tooth’s enamel when you use them like a toothpick …..  you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Fact, Question, Prayer:
!)  I don’t need anger management. I need obnoxious people to stop annoying me!
2) Why do I have to press one for English when they’re just gonna transfer to someone in a foreign country?
3) Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!


House Pets:
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always ask, ‘Oh, do you have a cat?’

Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for visitors!


REMEMBER
It’s cold and flu season. Drink lots of liquid, get plenty of rest, and book Glenn Strange for your next event. Laughter is the Best Medicine.​


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:
Thank you to R. Vinson for this weeks bonus funnyLast  Wednesday a rear seat passenger in a taxi heading Grand Central Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaken driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The  badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

The Best Jokes and Funny Stories of 2017

Thursday, December 28th, 2017

Only 362 sleeps until Christmas 2018. So, there’s plenty of time to pay those nasty credit cards off and start all over again.

Helpful Money-Saving Tip: Without a receipt, it’s difficult to exchange that one-of-a-kind gift you don’t like. No need to stress! Just re-gift it. Problem solved!

Please be careful …….. you know how I worry.


Problem Solving:
After taxiing down the runway, the plane suddenly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. 2 hours later the plane finally took off. A worried passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was very concerned about the noise one of the engines was making,” explained the flight attendant, “and it took us a while to find another pilot.”


Game Time:
A young man was very excited because he won a ticket to the Super Bowl. When he arrived, his excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium.

As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, “No.” Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?” The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.” “Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”


Quotes:
1) “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
2) “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
3) “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright


Frog Feets:
There was a scientist who was studying frogs. The scientist told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped, and he jumped 4 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 4 feet jumps 4 feet.

The scientist then cut off one leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 3 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 3 feet jumps 3 feet.

The scientist then cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 2 feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 2 feet jumps 2 feet.

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump, so the frog jumped. He jumped 1 foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with 1 foot jumps 1 foot.

The scientist cut off the last leg. He told the frog jump, Jump, JUMP!

But the frog did not move. So the scientist wrote in his notebook: a frog with no legs goes deaf.


When Planning Your Event:
Remember: No one ever complains because you made them laugh. Every event should include a Time to Laugh. Book Your Laughter Today: Glenn Strange Comedy Magician.


Glenn Strange
Specializing in Making Events Fun
Book Glenn’s Show
Through Your Favorite Talent Agency, Speakers Bureau,
or Call His Office.
864-439-1369

Quote From Glenn’s Client:
“We have received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode, reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure.”
       G. Currin
       Granville County Chamber of Commerce


Being a Teacher:The teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars.
The next day Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.
“Alex!” yelled the teacher, “you’ve done nothing. Why?”
“Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!”


Students These Days:

Teacher:  “Johnny, I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.”
Johnny: “Life imprisonment”


New Neighbors:
Julia tells her husband, “James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” James says, “why I hardly know the girl.”


Another Client Comment:
“Our members are still talking about how much they enjoyed Glenn. He’s absolutely one of the best choices for entertainment. He has a gift of “reading” the audience and putting that to his advantage while making us laugh till we cry!”
Rodney Graham
Brushy Creek Baptist Church
Easley, SC


You Can’t Hide Money:
A guy driving an old Kia pulled up to a stoplight next to a brand new Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. Did you get a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Kia said, “Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I’ve got one in the back seat of my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Kia said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Kia said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!”

The driver of the Rolls upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Kia. He drove around all day and finally found the Kia late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Kia. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Kia lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Kia looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!”


3 Ponders to Ponder:
1) Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
2) All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3) Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The Reason:
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the 1st bottle swearing, “You’re the reason I fight with my wife”.

He smashed the 2nd bottle, “You’re the reason my children don’t speak to me”.

He smashed the 3rd bottle, “You’re the reason I don’t have a decent job”.

When he took the 4th bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for a moment and said, “You stand aside. I know you were not involved”.


Be a Man:
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House”. Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the ‘Law.’ You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and you will do as I want! Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess unless I decide to have you cremated.”


Healthcare:
A man came to the clinic to have an MRI. He was put into the machine by a very young female technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman.

The man remarked, “How long was I in there?”


Speeding on Main:
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet!!!” snapped the officer. “…or I’m going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you’re going to jail!”

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” said the man in the cell. “I’m the groom!”


Another Client Comment:
“I just had the privilege of listening and seeing Glenn Strange and his comic magic performance. I recommend him to anyone … what an awesome performance he did tonight. Truly a lot of laughter, a lot of fun, a lot of people had a great time. He would be appropriate for any type of an event.”
Brain Mixson
First Baptist Church
Fountain Inn, SC


Greek Mythology:
The teacher asked: “What was the name of the person in Greek mythology who was half man and half animal?”
Billy raised his hand. “Yes?” the teacher acknowledged.
“Buffalo Bill,” replied Billy.


The Inheritance:
Two friends met in the street. One looked sad and almost on the verge of tears. The other man asked, “Hey my man, how come you look like the whole world has caved in?”

The sad fellow said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me 50-thousand dollars.”

“That’s not bad at all…!”

“Hold on, I’m just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked-the-bucket and left me 95-thousand, tax-free to boot.”

“Well, that’s great! I’d like that.”

“Last week, my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a million.”

“So why are so glum?”

“This week – nothing!”


The Lumberjack:
A large, well-established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his ax, and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.

“Take your ax and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”


Another Client Comment:
“You were awesome! The planning committee members and I received rave reviews on your
presentation. Glenn, you are a meeting planner’s dream. You delivered and we looked good!”.
Patricia Gisinger, Manager
North Dakota Telephone Association


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  My idea of a balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
2)  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
3)  The way some people find fault, you’d think there was some kind of reward.


Bank Business:
The loans officer says the bank will need security for a $10,000 loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his new Rolls Royce, parked the nearby bank’s parking lot. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground secure garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns and repays the $10,000, plus interest, which is $25.08. The loans officer says: “We are delighted to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. You have a good-sized, harbourside mansion, a sizeable equity portfolio and no debt at all. We are curious as to why you would bother to borrow $5000?”

The man replied: “Where else in New York City, can I park my car safely for two weeks for $25?”


Bits of Wisdom:
1)  Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
2)  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
3)  Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt Delete” and start all over?


School Days:
1) “Well, Johnny, how did your school report card turn out?“ asks the mother.
“Come on mom; the most important thing is that I’m healthy!“

2) Patty had just finished her first week of school. “I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”

3) Teacher: “How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?”
Suzy: “I get up early!”


Taxi Ride:
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Fred.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Fred Freeman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Fred Freeman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: ‘Not Fred Freeman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.’

Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: ‘There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Fred Freeman, he could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.’

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Fred, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she were in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Fred Freeman.’

Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’

Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Fred, he died.

I married his widow’.


Another Client Comment:
“It might have been the best convention we’ve ever had (for numerous reasons) and Glenn was a
perfect ending. Clean, funny, great magic tricks – our folks raved about him to me following his
performance. Highly recommended. Don’t hesitate to use me as a reference.”
Mike Washko
Virginia Forest Products Association


Have a Great 2018!!


 

Christmas Laughs

Thursday, December 7th, 2017

Only 18 more sleeps until Christmas.
Please be careful …….. you know how I worry.

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Questions:
“Q” How do you know Santa has to be a man?
“A” No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

“Q”  What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
“A” It’s Christmas, Eve!

“Q”  What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
“A” The letter “D”!


Pick One:
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus all got into the elevator of the hotel. As the elevator traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, they noticed a $100 bill lying on the elevator floor. Which one picked up the $100 bill, and turned it into the hotel receptionist?

Santa Claus, the other two don’t exist.​


Make Your Event the Best
It’s a scientific fact: Laughter is strong medicine. It draws people together in ways that trigger healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. Laughter strengthens your immune system, boosts mood, diminishes pain, and protects you from the damaging effects of stress. So, hire Comedian Magician Glenn Strange for your next event and reduce sadness, fuss fights, and related medical expenses.​


Lyric Theater Birmingham
Only a Few Tickets Left
The Good News Is:
Not a Bad Seat In The House
Three on a String – Home for Christmas:
The Warblers
Something Else Trio
Glenn Strange

December 12, Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Three weeks before Christmas, little Johnny asked his mother if he could have a new bike. She told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Johnny, having just played a major role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. Johnny went to his room and wrote ‘ Dear Jesus, I’ve been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.’ But he wasn’t very happy when he read it over. So, he decided to try again, and this time he wrote ‘Dear Jesus, I’m a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.’ He read it back and wasn’t happy with that one either. He tried a third version. ‘Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.’ He read that one too, but he still wasn’t satisfied.

So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time, he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary on the front lawn. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. ‘Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you’d better send me a new bike.’


 

We Enjoy Being Around Happy People

Thursday, November 16th, 2017

Holiday Alert:  Only 7 days until Thanksgiving, and 39 sleeps until Christmas.

SAFETY DRIVING TIP: Wet leaves covering a road can be slippery when you’re applying your car breaks and/or turning your wheels.  Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your Thanksgiving BONUS at the very end.


Nonsense = Wisdom:
1) Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
2) The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.
3) What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?


Turning a Good Day Into a Bad Day:
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seatbelt.

“What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asks.

The man responds, “I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”

His wife says, “Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drinking.”

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.”

Just then a knock comes from the trunk, and a voice calls out, “Are we over the border yet?”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Our Annual Chamber of Commerce Dinner was a huge success. Glenn gave our members the perfect show. He provided good clean fun, great audience participation, amazing magic, and great comedy.  It was excellent.”
        V. W. Cross, President
Phenix City-Russell County Chamber of Commerce


If you’re in the Birmingham area, you should not miss this fun evening of laughter, great music, and magic. Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com

PPS – Your Bonus: One of My Favorite Holiday Tales:
Bob in Birmingham calls his son in New York just before Thanksgiving and tells him, ‘I am sorry to tell you, but your mother and I are divorcing.  I cannot take any more of her moaning and complains.  We can’t stand the sight of each other anymore.’  I’m first telling you, Sam, because you’re the eldest, please call your sister in Chicago and gently break it to her.

When Sam calls his sister Julie, she says: ‘No way are they getting divorced, I’m taking the first flight I can get, and I’ll be at their house before Thanksgiving. I suggest you do the same and together we’ll talk some sense into them.’

Julie phones here parents and tells them both ‘You must NOT get divorced. Promise you won’t do anything until Sam, and I get over there. We’ll be with you tomorrow.  Until then, don’t take any action, please listen to me’, and she hangs up.

The father puts down the phone and turns to his wife and says. ‘Good news’ he says, ‘Sam and Julie are coming for Thanksgiving, and they’re paying their way.’


 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Know Why I’ve Been This Happy

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Tip:  This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies. Safety Tip: This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills. Please be careful ….. you know how I worry. Glenn Strange PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
2). If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3). I intend to live forever. So far so good.


Don’t Ask:
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “No sweetie.”

The wife said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the husband said, “Okay, I probably would”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the husband replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”​​


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Glenn was great last night, at St. Johnsbury Academy, in St. Johnsbury, VT. I found it gut splitting funny, my hubby and I laughed so hard!”
         Deborah Frenetic
Stanstead, Quebec, Canada​



Specializing In Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Your Bonus:

The Devil Made Me Do It:
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but were unhurt. This must be some kind of a sign.”

The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.”

“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

“Aren’t you going to have any? asks the priest.

“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”


 

Fruitcake Kills

Thursday, October 5th, 2017

Hello <<First Name>>,

Only 80 more days until Christmas. Time to order that fruit cake and start making your plans.

SAFETY TIP: No one has ever choked from eating fruitcake, but people have broken teeth.
Please be careful ….. you know how I do worry. ​​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Health Tip:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place.


Politics, Dogs, and Games:
1) I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
2) A sign In a Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
3) No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.​”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Without your help, the summer activities would not have been the same. It has been a long-standing tradition here at Kiawah to provide our guest with the utmost guest satisfaction, and we truly appreciate you continuing to promote this high standard of excellence.”
    Kari Bowman
Kiawah Island Golf Resort​



Plan Your Christmas Event NOW
Let’s Make Your Event Fun.
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, “I was two hours early today, so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound bass and had to take it home. If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”.

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.  He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 22 feet tall and had 7-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The small dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?”

Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”


 

Hallmark Channel Overdose

Sunday, November 30th, 2014

I feel I’ll throw up, if I have to watch another “Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie”. My wife took possession of the TV remote Thanksgiving night. It’s now only the first part of December, and I’ve already had enough Christmas. Every Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie has the same basic storyline. All they do is change the faces, the names, and the “Welcome To” sign, at the edge of some small town. And, every character in the movie speaks with a low soft voice like they’re visiting the family at a funeral home.

A typical Hallmark storyline goes like this: Beautiful small town girl can’t wait to grow up, graduate college, and move to the big city to land a high paying corporate job, become famous, and live the dream life married to a wealthy doctor. After about 10 years of being away from her small hometown, she’s forced to return to care for one or both of her aging and/or dying parents. She returns home divorced by the doctor, and with a 6 year old daughter. She’s forced to take a job in retail for a friend of the family’s gift shop.

One day as she’s walking on her hometown downtown sidewalk, she runs into her old sweetheart. The guy she dated when she was a cheerleader and he was the high school star quarterback. It seems, 3 years ago, his wife was killed in a single car accident, on a rain-slickened highway. He’s still grieving and suffering from nightmares. He feels it was his fault, because of his low paying job, he couldn’t afford a new set of Michelins. Now, he’s a single dad with a handsome little boy, that just happens to be the same exact age as her beautiful daughter.

They mess around in the movie for a good 50 to 60 minutes. One’s in love with the other and the other keeps fighting it. Then with 12 minutes left in the movie, it’s always Christmas time. (I can still hear that Hallmark bell tinkling sound in the background. Same music that’s used in every Hallmark Movie.) Well, they finally agree that they’re in love and should get marry, because that’s what they should’ve done when they were young. The last scene is at night, and everyone in town’s happy, singing Christmas songs in the park, and it’s snowing like crazy. THE END. Pass me another Kleenex, and get ready cause there’s another one a comin on.

Sorry, thanks for listening. I feel better now.

Reducing Christmas Shopping Stress & Lowering Cost

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

Early Christmas Eve morning this “Strange” family will convoy to Denny’s for a Grand Slam Breakfast. (Waffle House ruled out because of non-family friendly booths). After breakfast, it’s off to Lowes for gift exchanging. Each family member will bring a spring loaded wooden clothespin, their Christmas wish list & a #2 pencil.  Once inside, each person will claim a Christmas tree & attach their wish list to an eye level branch. Then the Christmas shopping will begin.

Each person will shop the store for one gift per family member. They’ll place that unwrapped gift under the family member’s tree & mark that item off the wish list, using their #2 pencil. Once everyone has finished shopping we’ll circle the trees, hold hands and sing “Jingle Bells”, Elvis’ “Blue Christmas”, and the first verse of “Silent Night”.

Each person will then buggy up the gifts from under their claimed Christmas tree, proceed to checkout, without the tree, & pay for the gifts they were given. By everyone paying for their own gifts, no one will have a tendency to ask for overly expensive gifts, and everyone will receive only gifts they really want.  Coupons are permitted and encouraged.

 

Christmas at Lowes Benefits

1. No Christmas tree to buy, water, or store

2. Reduces shopping time

3. Eliminates home decorating cost

4. No increase in electric bill

5. No fighting mall traffic

6. Eliminates returning presents

7. No gift wrapping

8. Decorations look new

9. Eliminates re-gifting

10. Reduces cleanup time

The Perfect Christmas Tree

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

After years of searching, I’m happy to announce I’ve discovered the perfect Christmas Tree.

1)  No Searching Christmas Tree Lots

2)  No Hiking In Woods

3)  No Chainsaw Required

4)  Never Have To Buy or Borrow a Truck

4)  No Aggravating Tree Stand

5)  Eliminates the Attic Crawl

6)  Sets Up Quickly

7)  No Messy Pine Needles To Clean Up

8)  Never Needs Watering

9)  Stays Decorated

10)  Fire Proof

11)  Eco-Friendly

12)  Dog Friendly

13)  Easy To Store

14)  Fresh Pine Smell

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