Posts Tagged ‘Best Magician’

Horse for Sale

Thursday, May 17th, 2018

Enjoy this week’s funnies and share them with a friend.

Be careful on the highways … the roads may be slick …. you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Weighing In At:
A woman caught her husband standing on the bathroom scales and sucking in his stomach.
Wife:  “Dear, you know, that won’t help?”
Husband:  “Oh it helps a lot, it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”


Why English is Confusing:
1) The soldier decided to *desert* his dessert in the *desert*.
2) Since there is no time like the *present*, he thought it  was time to  *present* the *present*.
3) He could *lead* if he would get the *lead* out.


Glenn’s Client Says:
“Thank you for your wonderful performance at our annual convention in Destin, FL. All the comments have been very positive and complimentary. Your magic and comedy appealed to both children and adults, and that made the evening a tremendous success.”

        Doris Hydrick
Alabama Manufactured Housing Institute


Laughter at Pinehurst Resort!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
A young man named Don bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Don’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Don replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Don said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Don said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Don said, “Sure I can, watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month Later, the farmer met up with Don and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Don said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Don said, “Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his five dollars back.”

Never Assume

Thursday, May 10th, 2018

To find out a time when you should never assume, read the bonus joke at the end.

Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


That One kid:
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?

Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”


Why English is Hard:
1) The bandage was *wound* around the *wound*.
2) The farm was used to *produce produce*.
3) The dump was so full that it had to *refuse* more *refuse*.


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Glenn, your show was GREAT! I heard many favorable comments. We thank you for performing at the ‘Lyric Theatre’ and hope you can come back.
        Brant Beene – Executive Director
Lyric Theatre and Alabama Theatre


Make Your Event Fun!


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit*Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:
The Bulletin Newspaper photographer’s request was approved, and he quickly used his mobile phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He only had 2 hours to make his news deadline. He was told a twin-engine plane would be running and waiting for him when he arrived at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the twin-engine warming up outside a hanger. Holding his camera bag, he jumped in the seat beside the pilot, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over Mount Stuart and make a few low passes over the fires on the hillsides.’ ‘Why?’ asked the pilot. ‘Because I’m a photographer for the Bulletin’ he responded,’and I need to get some close aerial shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally, he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . .. You’re NOT my flight instructor?’


Take the rest of the week off …

Thursday, April 19th, 2018

Hello,

After you read this week’s funnies and forward this email to your friends, you may take the rest of the week off … with pay. If anyone complains, have them call me, and I’ll take care of it.

Have a great long weekend. Please be careful … you know how I worry.
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the very end.


Ask the Dentist:
Patient:  Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist:  Wear a brown tie!


Golf:

The golfer called one of the caddies over and said, “I want a caddie who is honest, dependable, and respectful. What is 3, plus 4, plus 5 add up to?”
“10 sir,” said the caddie.
“Good, you’ll do perfectly.”


Glenn’s Client Says:

“Our Annual Quarter Century Banquet was a huge success, due to your outstanding performance. Thank you for making our banquet one that we shall not soon forget. I hope we will be able to work together again.”
          Alfreada Walker
Mount Vernon Mills, Inc.


Make Your Event “Fun”


Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite

Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
Little Noah was sent back to bed for the seventh time that evening, and his mommy is not amused.

She says, “Noah, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that,’ you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!”

Noah climbs the long stairs to his room, crawls up into his bed, and then there’s a short pause …… “Mrs. Lambden, May I have a glass of water please.”


Only 2 days and a few hours until April Fool’s Day

Monday, April 2nd, 2018

This year April Fool’s Day falls on Easter Sunday. I’m sorry, but something about that just doesn’t feel right.

Anyway, please be careful … I’m worried.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Palm Sunday:

It was Palm Sunday, but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds.

Johnny asked, “What are those for?”
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his dad told him.

“Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go, and He shows up.”


Ask the Doctor:

“Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?”

“First of all, don’t give him anything to drink.”


Make Your Next Event “Fun”


Got Questions? 
We Have Your  Answers
Call  864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*


PPS – Your Bonus:A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocaine because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?” The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”


 

Invest In Laughter

Thursday, February 22nd, 2018

Thank You to all my many friends and clients for the beautiful President Day cards. You’ll never know how much they meant to me.

Have a great week and laugh, it feels good. ​Please be careful ….. call me when you get there … you know how I worry. ​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Love Funnies:
1)  “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
2)  “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” – Richard Jeni
3)  “What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.” – Cindy Garner


The Final Exam:
On his final exam, Buddy was stumped. He didn’t know any…not one… answer.
Finally, he wrote: “God alone knows the answers to these questions.”
When he got his report, it was written: “God gets an A. You get an F.”


How Important is Laughter?
The next time you are planning your very important banquet, convention, or meeting, remember: “An Event Without Laughter is Called a Funeral.” – Glenn Strange


It’s Easy to Make Your Event Fun
Pick up the phone and

Let’s Start Planning

864-439-1369
Are Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said. “It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like this for only $59.00.”


 

Share a Laugh Today

Thursday, February 15th, 2018

I appreciate you taking your time to read these funnies. Pass them along to your friends. Have a great week!

Please be careful ….. call me when you get there … you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Small Town Doctor:
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 15 lbs 10 oz.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

2)  Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 8 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel with a pair of pliers.

3) Remember back when we were kids, and every time it was below zero out they closed school?  Me neither.


Laughter Is Important:
Laughter is the closest distance between two people. — Victor Borge 


An Event Without Laughter is Soon Forgotten.
Make your Event Rememberable.
Call for Glenn Strange

864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
These are from actual courtroom records published in a book called “Disorder in the Courts”, By Charles Sevilla
Passed along to me by R. Vinson.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where are you, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your Date of Birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What Year?
WITNESS: Every Year.

“National Kite Flying Day”

Thursday, February 8th, 2018

Hello << Test First Name >>,

Today, February 8, is “National Kite Flying Day”. So, it’s okay to tell someone to, “Go fly a kite.”

Please be careful ….. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Don’t Worry:
Why worry about gaining a few extra pounds? Fat people are harder to kidnap.


Good Career Choice:
A plumber was called to a doctor’s home to fix leaking faucet that had kept the surgeon awake the night before. After twenty minutes, the plumber handed the doctor a bill for $150.

The surgeon exclaimed, ‘I don’t charge this amount, and I’m a surgeon!”

The plumber replied, “neither did I when I was a surgeon.”


Quote To Live By:
A day without laughter is a day wasted. — Charlie Chaplin


Specializing In

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
An elderly couple noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down, so they don’t forget.

They went home, and the lady asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband, and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends over 30 minutes in the kitchen. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s my toast?”

Groundhog Day

Thursday, February 1st, 2018

Only one more day until Groundhog Day. Just think, if January only had only 30 days, Groundhog Day would be on February 1.

Enjoy this week’s jokes.  Remember, laughter is a gift that must be shared.

Please be careful ….. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Tee Shirt Sayings:
1)  I could be a morning person… if morning happened at Noon.
2)  Lead me not into temptation… oh, heck, just follow me– I know a shortcut.
3)  I’m not arguing… I’m just explaining why I’m right!​


Boardgames:
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Your Bonus:
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, ‘I bet you don’t know what day this is?’

‘Of course, I do,’ he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office.

At 11 o’clock, the doorbell rang.  The wife answered, and there at her front door was a UPS driver, in his had was a box containing 12 red roses. Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door, this time it was a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates.

Eventually, the husband came home, tired after a hard day’s work.  His wife greeted him by saying: ‘First the flowers, then the chocolates, I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!’

Only 334 days left

Thursday, January 25th, 2018

Only 334 days left to pay off last Christmas.

WARNING:  It’s that time of year. The roads may be slick …..  Please be careful…… you know how I worry. Now, read and enjoy the below jokes.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Exercise and Dieting:
1)  I don’t mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
2)  I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web…
3)  My goal for 2018 is to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ….


Home Security:
A man was very proud of his Pit-Bull dog; he would let him roam in his yard to prove to the neighborhood that his house was guarded and protected.

One day a woman knocked on his door.
“Is that your big dog outside?”

Wondering how she had got past him, he said: “Yes why?”

She said, “I’m sorry, but my dog just killed your dog!”

“What?” Roared the man “What kind of dog do you have?”

“A Chihuahua” Replied the woman.

“A Chihuahua? How could that little rat dog kill my big strong Pit-Bull?”

The woman replied, “It got stuck in his throat!”.


REMEMBER
An Overdose of Laughter Never Killed Anyone.​ Save Lives! Booking Glenn Strange For Your Next Event.​ Laughter is the Best Medicine.


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Your Bonus:
An engineer, manager, and programmer were driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed, and the car careered down the road out of control. Halfway down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”

The engineer said, “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my toolkit here and we can take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”

The programmer said, “No, no, no, that’s all wrong. We should push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

Little Known Credit Card Warning

Thursday, January 18th, 2018

Only 431 days left to pay off this past Christmas.

Credit Card WARNING:  You could damage your tooth’s enamel when you use them like a toothpick …..  you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Fact, Question, Prayer:
!)  I don’t need anger management. I need obnoxious people to stop annoying me!
2) Why do I have to press one for English when they’re just gonna transfer to someone in a foreign country?
3) Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!


House Pets:
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always ask, ‘Oh, do you have a cat?’

Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for visitors!


REMEMBER
It’s cold and flu season. Drink lots of liquid, get plenty of rest, and book Glenn Strange for your next event. Laughter is the Best Medicine.​


Specializing in

Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus:
Thank you to R. Vinson for this weeks bonus funnyLast  Wednesday a rear seat passenger in a taxi heading Grand Central Station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments, everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaken driver said, “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The  badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

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