Posts Tagged ‘#1’

Only 11 Sleeps Until Christmas

Thursday, December 14th, 2017

Only 11 sleeps until Christmas. If today, you bought a dozen Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and ate one per day, your last doughnut would be eaten the day after Christmas. Plus, it would probably make you sick.

HEALTH WARNING: Doughnuts should be eaten within two days of the “Hot Light”.  Please be careful …….. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


Grandma Wisdom:
One Christmas, a mother, decided she was not going to remind her kids to send thank you notes. Because of that, the kids’ grandmother did not receive any thank notes for the Christmas checks she sent to the kids.

The next Christmas, all the grandkids stopped by in person to thank their grandmother for their checks.

Grandmother’s neighbor noticed and asked, “What caused this change in behavior?” The grandmother replied, “Simple. This year I didn’t sign their checks.”


The Christmas Wish:
When a father asked his five-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, the son replied, “A baby sister.”

As it turned out, the wife was pregnant and delivered on Christmas Eve. On Christmas day she brought home a brand new baby sister for their son.

The next year, the father asked his young son what he was thinking about for Christmas. The son said, “If it wouldn’t make mommy too uncomfortable, I’d like a pony.”


When Choosing Entertainment:
Remember: No one will complain because you made them laugh too much.


Photo From Backstage
Making Lighting Adjustments
A Special
“Thank You”
A special “Thank You” to Three on a String, and the Lyric Theater staff, and technical crews for making the Three on a String – Home for Christmas – Laughing All The Way Concert a huge sellout success. Hundreds of hours of planning and preparation went into presenting an event that ran flawlessly.  The two-hour concert included “Three on a String”, “Something Else Trio”, “The Warblers”, and “Glenn Strange”.

PPS – Your Bonus:A man walked into a doctor’s waiting room and asked if could see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent.

The Doctor, having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a ‘good will to men’ mood, agreed to see him.

The man entered in a somewhat aimless manner and after some hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.

“How can I help you?” asked the doctor.

“Well, it’s like this,” said the man. “I keep thinking I’m a moth.”

“A moth?”

“Yes,” the man replied. “I’m convinced that I’m a moth.”

“Well I’m very sorry, but you’re in the wrong place. What you need is a psychiatrist”.

“That’s what I’ve been thinking” replied the man.

“Well, as it happens, I know just the man.” said the doctor “I’ll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you after the holiday.”
The man agreed, and the doctor made the appointment.

“Tell me,” said the doctor “It must have been very apparent from the sign outside that I’m a general practitioner. So if you already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?”

“Well,” the man said in a resigned voice “The door was open, and the lights were on …..”.


 

Lyric Theatre, Dec 12, Be There!

Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Christmas a Comin:  Only 25 more sleeps.

SAFETY DRIVING TIPIt must be a law because people start driving crazy on Black Friday and continue until New Year’s day. Please watch for them …. you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS at the very end.


What to Say:
Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like
10. Hey! There’s a gift!
9. Now, I have something to wear when I shop at Wal-Mart.
8. If I had not just gained 15 pounds, this would fit perfectly.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. What an ideal gift, and it’s fireproof.
5. If my dog destroys this, I’ll be furious!
4. I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. It is true. It is better to give than to receive.
1. You shouldn’t have, I really don’t deserve this.


The Perfect Gift:
A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, his best friend ask, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?”

“She did,” he replied. “But no one sells a fake Jeep?”


Make Your Event the Best
Not everyone loves to dance, but everyone loves to laugh. Plan your next special event around Quality Professional Clean Comedy. Go to GlennStrange.com and look at the type audiences Glenn’s performed for.


Less Than 70 Tickets Available
Show Will SELL OUT
Three on a String – Home for Christmas: Laughing all the Way! With The Warblers! Something Else Trio! and myself. December 12, at the beautiful 750 seat, Lyric Fine Arts Theatre, in Birmingham, AL. Tickets available now at www.lyricbham.com
Don’t forget, “Three On a String” will also be at the beautiful “Newberry Opry House” in Newberry, SC, on January 6, 2018. Great music and hilarious comedy. Tickets to this event make great Christmas gifts for your special friends.  Tickets fit all sizes. Available now at  www.NewberryOperaHouse.com.

PPS – Your Bonus:Sally, a lady about 50 years old walked up and sat on Santa’s lap.

So, Santa smiled and asked, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Sally.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without hesitation, Sally replied, ‘A rich son-in-law.’


 

Laughter = Lasting Memories

Saturday, November 11th, 2017

“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.” ~Yiddish Proverb​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


We Are Different:
1)  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

2)  A man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn’t want.

3)  A woman marries a man expecting he will change but doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.


Last Words:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past 5 years. The NTSB secretly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in 4 wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Watch out!”

In Alabama, 87.6% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, watch this!”


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“I’ve had the privilege of seeing Glenn perform for high school students with their parents, and also senior adults. Glenn was marvelous at connecting with both. He has the unique ability to make the audience feel comfortable and appreciated”
Rev. C. Trammel
Catawba Baptist Church


For Your Entertainment Needs

Make Your Event Great!
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PSS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding. A cop pulls him over, and ask the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

The policeman calls for backup. Soon police cars and helicopters are everywhere. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. Before he gets in the backseat, another cop walks up and says, “Sir, Officer Spice informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”​


Laughter Must Be Shared

Friday, November 10th, 2017

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don’t tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes.​

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Irish Headstone:
Reilly was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription, “Here lies a politician and an honest man.”

‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the 2 of them in one grave?’


Irish Humor At Its Best:

Soon after O’Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O’Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news. ‘To be sure it was Boss’, he replied, ‘I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.’

‘Gosh, that’s awful, ‘replied the foreman, ‘Do you want the rest of the day off?’

‘No, ‘replied O’Shaughnessy. ‘I’ll finish the day out.’

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O’Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

‘Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!’


Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Everyone loved Glenn’s show and we can’t wait for the opportunity to work with Glenn again!”
       The EMS Family
Event Management Solutions​



Make Your Event Great!
Call:  864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*
PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Late one Saturday night, a policeman spotted O’Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

‘Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had 6 or 7 pints,’ chattered the inebriated O’Callaghan. ‘Then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had 4 or 5 o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend O’Reilly home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later …,’ and O’Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The police officer sighed and said, ‘Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.’

Indignantly, O’Callaghan replied, ‘Why? Don’t ye believe me?’​​



Don’t Know Why I’ve Been This Happy

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies.

Safety Tip:  This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills.

Please be careful …..  you know how I worry.​​​

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.Only 46 sleeps until Christmas. Please enjoy this week’s funnies. Safety Tip: This Christmas, instead of risking a fall and breaking body parts. Do not hang lights around the eve of your house. Just purchase one of those “As Seen On TV”, Star Shower Motion Laser Projector things. You can put one up in less than 10 minutes, and they’re cheaper than hospital bills. Please be careful ….. you know how I worry. Glenn Strange PS – Don’t miss your BONUS joke at the very end.


Wisdom and Nonsense:
1)  Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
2). If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3). I intend to live forever. So far so good.


Don’t Ask:
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey if I died would you get married again?”

The husband said, “No sweetie.”

The wife said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the husband said, “Okay, I probably would”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the husband replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”​​


A Comment From Glenn’s Client
“Glenn was great last night, at St. Johnsbury Academy, in St. Johnsbury, VT. I found it gut splitting funny, my hubby and I laughed so hard!”
         Deborah Frenetic
Stanstead, Quebec, Canada​



Specializing In Making Events Fun
Call 864-439-1369
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Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
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PPS – Your Bonus:

The Devil Made Me Do It:
A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash, and it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, “So you’re a priest. That’s interesting; I’m a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but were unhurt. This must be some kind of a sign.”

The priest replies, “Oh, yes, I agree. It’s a miracle that we survived and are here together.”

“And here’s another miracle,” says the rabbi. “My car is destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune,” he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

“Aren’t you going to have any? asks the priest.

“Not right now,” says the rabbi. “I think I’ll wait until after the police make their report.”


 

April Fools Can Be Any Month

Thursday, November 9th, 2017

“I have great faith in fools — self-confidence, my friends call it.” – Edgar Allan Poe

Make someone laugh today. It’ll make you and them happier.

Today’s Safety Tip: “Remember, your first mistake can also be your last.”  Please be careful on the highways and in old abandoned wells… you know how I worry.

Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss this week’s BONUS funny at the very end.


April 1, Jokes to Try:
1)  Call your dentist office and remind them that you do not have an appointment next week.
2)  Hang a scented air fresheners all over someone’s office door.
3)  Place strong magnets inside a McDonald’s bag, locate the bag on the roof of your car and drive around.


Earth Science Question:

The teacher was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a long silence, a voice came from the back of the room, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”


What Glenn’s Client Said:
“I have never heard the residents laugh so hard or so much. Your show was professional, funny and very entertaining.”
      Bonnie Williams
Activities Director​



Celebrate with Laughter
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights,
Conventions, Awards Banquets, Church Events

Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Speakers Bureau, Talent Agency
or CALL Directly

864-439-1369 
Just hit *Reply*


PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Teacher: “If I gave you two cats and another two cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”​​


Laughter In Business = Higher Profits

Wednesday, November 8th, 2017

If March had only 30 days, April Fool’s Day would fall on April 2.

Have a happy day,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Have You Noticed?:
1) “Half of this planet’s starving and the other half’s on a diet.”
2) “Anger is one letter short of danger.”
3) “After one realizes he’s been a fool, he’s not a fool anymore.”


Call 1-800-999-9999:

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but he died last week.”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“We rotate the annual Southern Group of State Foresters meeting around to all 13 southern states, and I can tell you that comments from many participants indicated your’s was the ’best show in years.’“

       W. Lazenby
Georgia Forestry Commission

For Your Entertainment Needs

Call
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.  “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test, and the question was,  ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.” “So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’  Mary put Abraham Lincoln, and so did you.” “Well, I read the history book last night, and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, hold on,” said Mr. Johnson.  “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’  Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither.'”



The Million Dollar Question

Tuesday, November 7th, 2017

The teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if they had a million dollars.
The next day Alex handed in a blank sheet of paper.
“Alex!” yelled the teacher, “you’ve done nothing. Why?”
“Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!”

Be careful, if you hear something that sounds like a tornado, it might be a train. Either one can hurt you …. you know how I worry,

Have a happy day,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Questions to Ponder:
1) Is the ‘S’ or ‘C’ silent in the word ‘scent’?
2) If a tomato is a fruit, why isn’t ketchup a smoothie?
3) Why Isn’t 11 pronounced onety-one?


The Farmer Said

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle but was meeting with considerable resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” ressponded the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Your stage presence and rapport with the audience was superb. During your medicine eating routine, one person had to leave to go to the bathroom because he couldn’t handle any more laughter.”
      J. Malone
American Equipment Co., Inc.​



For Your Entertainment Needs
Call
864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500.
The banker pulled out the loan application.
“What are you going to do with the money?” he asks the Indian.
“Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it,” was the response.
“What have you got for collateral?”
“Don’t understand collateral,” replied the Indian
“Well, that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.
“Have you got any vehicles?”
“Yes.  1978 Ford pickup,” replied the Indian
The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”
“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the Indian
“How old is it?” the banker asks.
“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the Indian
Finally, the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank.
He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?” the banker asks.
“Keep at home.”, replied the Indian
“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” the banker asked.
“Don’t understand deposit,” replied the Indian
“You put the money in our bank, and we take care of it for you.
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it.”
The old Indian leaned across the desk and asked the banker…
“What you got for collateral?”​


Don’t Let the Funny Pass You By

Monday, November 6th, 2017

“Follow your gut, and take your brain with you” ….. you know how I worry,

Be happy,​
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Johnny, I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.”
Johnny: “Life imprisonment”


Engine Trouble:

A 747 airplane was having engine trouble. The pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A couple of minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“Glenn’s show was sensational. I will take great pride in recommending him to others. His performance was exceptional!”
       L.Holder
Blue Ridge Electric Co-op



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
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PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.  One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up.  “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”


Laughter: Life’s Common Denominator

Sunday, November 5th, 2017

Did you know a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana? It’s true; it’s on the internet. I just wonder what they did to the guy that sold the monkey the cigarette?

“Remember, there’s a reason George Washington never text and drove at the same time ….. please be careful ……. you know how I worry.”

Make someone laugh today,
Glenn Strange

PS – Don’t miss your BONUS funny at the very end.


Students These Days:
Teacher: “Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.”
Craig: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”


News:

At the doctor’s office, Tom was having his yearly checkup. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”

Quote from Glenn’s Client
“What a great show! Everyone’s still talking about Glenn’s incredible performance …. He mystified us, entertained us, and kept us laughing too hard.”
      S. Cash
The Parnell-Martin Companies LLC



Everyone Loves to Laugh
Call
864-439-1369
Just hit *Info*

PPS – Your Bonus Funny:
In 1999, an elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

The customs officer sarcastically​ asked,”You have been to France before, monsieur?”

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

The gentleman said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible, Americans’ always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach, on D-Day in 1944, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”


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