Funny Newsletter

Laugh at Your Problems

Thursday, May 16th, 2019

Remember. “Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.” You’re welcome.


Kids:

Billy: “Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother: “I don’t think so, Billy. Why do you ask?”
Billy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”


Yard Sale:

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a yard sale.
They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head, and said. “I’m still wearing the 33s, come back next year.”


The Artist:

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”

“What did you say?” questioned the artist.

“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

Remember, You Can’t …

Thursday, May 9th, 2019

You can’t unsay a cruel thing. Thank about it.


Child Wisdom:

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

The mother replied, “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”


Doctors:

The young doctor marched back to the older doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The old doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”


PPS – Bonus Joke:

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at two am. “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol,’ replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?“ says the police officer, “who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?”

The man sighs, “my wife.”


To Whisper​ or Yell

Thursday, May 2nd, 2019

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Thank about it.


Little Johnny:

Little Johnny goes to the local Farm & Ranch store to buy bird seed.
The salesperson asks, “How many birds do you have?
Little Johnny replies, “None, I want to grow some.”

Cowboy Wisdom:

1) Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
2) It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
3) Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


This Was a First for Me

Over the years I’ve performed in many different type places; everything from lumber company loading docks to elaborate theatres. But, this past week was a first for me. The show was for an Alabama company’s Safety Awards Banquet, and the venue was in a building that was originally built and used as a WWll German prisoner of war camp.

PPS – Bonus Joke:

Jones had been late for work on Monday and again on Tuesday. His boss told him if he was late one more time that week, he would be out of a job. As luck would have it, Jones arrived an hour and a half late on that Friday. His boss was furious and told him to come into his office and shut the door.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” asked his boss, “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning. My wife decided to drive me to work. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, as you can see my suit is still damp, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Clint Eastwood’s helicopter, landed on the roof of the next-door skyscraper, ran down 99 levels, and then came over here.”

His boss was furious and shouted, “Jones, you’re fired! What kind of an idiot do you think I am. No, wife gets ready in ten minutes.”


The Best Sermons Are …

Thursday, April 25th, 2019

The best sermons are lived, not preached. Thank about it.
Have a safe week, and be careful …. you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange


PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Definition:

Little Toe: Designed specifically to locate furniture when all the lights are off.


Question:

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!


Give the Gift of Laughter

Book Glenn for Your Event?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Direct

Phone: 864-439-1369

PPS – Bonus Joke:

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”


On her next visit, the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

“Who cares?” she replied.


Easter’s This Coming Sunday

Wednesday, April 17th, 2019

Wisdom or Not?:

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
3) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Answer Coming Next Week:

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.


PPS – Bonus Joke:

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anythingwas troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it’s actually worse than that. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’mgoing, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, “Pay me in advance.”


St. Patrick’s Day is Near

Thursday, March 14th, 2019

Excitement:

Murry was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.


After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, ‘Not guilty.’


‘That’s GREAT!,’ shouted Murry, ‘Does that mean I get to keep the money?’

Question of the Day:

Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?


A: No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.

Glenn Makes People Happy

Contact: info@GlennStrange.com

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

Irish Mothers Chat:

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna, were talking about their sons.


Kate says, ‘My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he
hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.’


Lorna responds, ‘Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not
looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.’


‘My word,’ says Kate, ‘You must be so proud.’

‘I am,’ announces Lorna, ‘And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.’

Little Johnny Hits Again

Thursday, March 7th, 2019

Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”


The Way It Is:

Occasionally, women call me ugly. But that’s only until they hear how much
money I make. – Then they call me poor and ugly.


What People Say About Glenn:

“Your show is hilariously funny, clean, and doesn’t offend anyone. That mix is hard to find these days and very refreshing. Our entire group raved about your magic act.”
Sarah Percival
Fluor Daniel Engineering, Inc.


PPS – Bonus Joke:

Harry was thrilled. After seeing a psychologist for over three years, he was
finally pronounced free to go. “Wow this is so exciting you mean I am finally cured?!” “You mean I no longer have an inferiority complex!”

“Well,” said the psychologist slowly, “to be perfectly honest. I don’t
think you ever had an inferiority complex. After much thought. I believe you really are inferior!”


The Last Day of Febuary​

Thursday, February 28th, 2019

Today’s the last day of February. I guess February is the shortest month because the calendar-maker didn’t like cold weather. I understand he eventually moved to Florida.


BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange


Drugs

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”


Pharmacist: “You mean aspirin?”


Chemist: “That’s it! I can never remember that word.”


Hungry

I made a mistake and went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the happy owner of aisle Five.


What People Say About Glenn

“Having Glenn be part of the meeting on that first evening together definitely helped the group bond, interact with one another, and laugh together. Those that participated on the stage with Glenn became somewhat of a conference celebrity and asked if anyone had pictures……”
Barbara Lehew
Carolinas Credit Union League

Making Happy People Appear

Your Event Will be FUN?

email: info@GlennStrange.com

CALL: 864-439-1369
Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau


PPS – Bonus Joke

When your first child eats some dirt, a bit of grass, or a worm, you take it to a doctor.

When your third child eats some dirt, a bit of grass, or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.

When your third child eats some dirt, a bit of grass, or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.


Only 307 Days Until …

Thursday, February 21st, 2019

Only 307 days until Christmas. Order your fruitcake now.


BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange


It’s Your Choice:

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please, send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.


Big News:

A young wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great
news. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three living in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was
glowing with happiness as kissed and held his wife closely.
She said, “I’m glad that you feel this way; my mother will be here tomorrow.”


PPS – Bonus Joke:

Stevie had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind Stevie.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says Stevie.

“Nope,” dad replied, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you did to me for all those years.”


Laughter Leads to Loving

Thursday, February 14th, 2019

Because today is February 14, this is a Special Valentine Love edition.

BE careful … you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Young Love:

Little Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Little Boy: “Really?”
Little Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”


Business Marketing:

A lady walks into a post office and notices a middle-aged, well-dressed man
standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. As he seals each envelop he sprays it with a puff of perfume.

The woman’s curiosity gets the better of her, so she goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man replies, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?

“But why would you do that?” she asks.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.”


I’m Excited:

On March 9, 2019, I will be performing two shows at the “Country Tonite Theatre” in Pigeon Forge, TN. I’m honored to be a part of the entertainment for this year’s “Winter Carnival of Magic”. Magicians and variety entertainers will be attending this long-running convention from all parts of the US, and the surrounding world. In other words, “There’s going to be a lot of professional deceivers there.”

Let’s Work Together to Bring
Fun and Laughter to Your Event?

Email: info@GlennStrange.com

Or CALL: 8640-439-1369

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau

PPS – Bonus Joke:

The Kids Were Asked

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Allen, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.” Kirsten, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” Fred,
age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.” Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

“When they’re rich.” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET
MARRIED?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?” Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.” Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” Ricky, age 10

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