Funny Newsletter

Clean Joke Time

Thursday, November 7th, 2019

NEWS FLASH: Always go to other people’s funerals, or they may not come to yours.

Be kind, be thankful, and be careful ….. you know how I worry,

Glenn Strange


Little Johnny:

Teacher: What would happen if you took the school bus home?
Little Johnny: The police would make you bring it back!


Questions:

Father O’ Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello.’
“Is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is.’
‘This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?’
‘I can.’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do.’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is’
‘Did he donate $10,000.00 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Lyric Theatre – Birmingham, AL

Three On a String and Glenn Strange

I’m excited to be the special guest of “Three On a String” for their Dashing
Through the Show, at the beautiful Lyric Theatre in Birmingham, AL. “Three On a String” is one of the most talented comedy/musical groups touring today. This is Guaranteed to be a fun night of music, comedy, magic, and happy memories. Dec. 10 at 7:30 pm. This show will SELLOUT. Get your tickets now. Click here for more info: http://lyricbham.com


Book Glenn Strange

Contact your favorite Speakers Bureau, Booking Agency,
or Call Direct 864-439-1369

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations
Businesses
Upward Awards Night
Chambers of Commerce
Church Events
Theatres
Corporate Events
Award Banquets
Safety Banquets
Appreciation Banquets
Safety Banquets
Family Events
Senior Adult Events
Conventions
Resorts
Fundraisers
Sales Meetings
Conferences
Office Events


PPS – Bonus Joke:

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. “How did everything go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I’d never heard before — really terrible four-letter words. You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset … tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”


Always Borrow Money …

Thursday, October 3rd, 2019

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t be expecting you to pay it back.

Hurtful words never go away. Be careful what you say ….. you know how I worry,

Glenn Strange

A Wise Person Once Said:

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

In the Classroom:

TEACHER: “So your dog ate your homework?”
JOHNNY: “Yes, Mrs. Hanny.”
TEACHER: “And where is your dog right now?”
JOHNNY: “He’s at the vet. He doesn’t like math any more than I do.”

What Clients Say:

“What a fun-filled presentation! Everyone enjoyed it tremendously. As a matter of fact, on the way back to the office, I heard someone say, “It’s good to start the day off with a laugh!”
Bill D’Andrea – Sr. Associate Athletic Director
Clemson University

Specializing in Making People Happy

Book Glenn Strange

Contact your favorite Speakers Bureau, Booking Agency,
or Call Direct 864-439-1369

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations
Businesses
Upward Awards Night
Chambers of Commerce
Church Events
Theatres
Corporate Events
Award Banquets
Safety Banquets
Appreciation Banquets
Safety Banquets
Family Events
Senior Adult Events
Senior Adult Events
Conventions
Resorts
Fundraisers
Sales Meetings
Conferences
Office Events

PPS – Bonus Joke:

A Baptist minister and a Pentecostal preacher were discussing the best
positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the Baptist minister said.

“No,” said the Pentecostal preacher. “The best way is standing with your hands outstretched to Heaven.”

The repairman interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was the time I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

Jokes

Thursday, September 26th, 2019

Just a friendly reminder. Only 90 days until Christmas. It’s time to apply for all those new credit cards before they get gone.


Be safe ….. you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus joke, at the bottom.

Today’s Heavy Thought:

A bird in the hand is… better than a woodpecker on your head.

Grammar:

The teacher asked, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”
Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”
Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”

What Clients Say:

“WOW! What a show!! Everyone is still raving about how great and funny your show was. This was the second time I had seen you perform and I laughed harder and longer.

Ken Couch, RPh
South Carolina Pharmacy Association

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations
Businesses
Upward Awards Night
Chambers of Commerce
Church Events
Theatres
Corporate Events
Award Banquets
Safety Banquets
Appreciation Banquets
Safety Banquets
Family Events
Senior Adult Events
Conventions
Resorts
Fundraisers
Fundraisers
Sales Meetings
Conferences
Office Events

PPS – Bonus Joke:

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her students that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.”
“Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora“), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador“), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to push the right buttons;
  2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Don’t Hesitate​

Thursday, September 19th, 2019

Book Your Christmas Party Entertainment Today. Only a few dates remain.

Proverb:

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish, and he’ll spend a fortune on gear that he’ll use only twice a year.

Here Come Da Judge:

A judge enters the courtroom and starts the proceedings, saying: „Before this process begins in earnest, there is one thing I have to clear first. The plaintiff gave me $10,000, so I would rule in their favor. The defendant gave me $12,000, so I would rule in their favor. To make this case fair, I’m hereby returning $2,000 to the defendant.“

What Clients Say:

“Glenn did an outstanding job entertaining our members. His show was first class all the way. We would recommend Glenn to any establishment looking for a fun and mystifying evening.”

Jim McLain
Callawassie Island Club

Making His Audience Happy

Book Glenn Strange

Contact your favorite Speakers Bureau, Booking Agency,
or Call Direct 864-439-1369

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations
Businesses
Church Events
Chambers of Commerce
Theatres
Corporate Events
Award Banquets
Safety Banquets
Appreciation Banquets
Safety Banquets
Family Events
Senior Adult Events
Conventions
Resorts
Fundraisers
Sales Meetings
Conferences
Conferences
Trade Shows
Office Events

PPS – Bonus Joke:

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck, and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire
department’s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

Without any hesitation, the fire captain said, “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that truck!”

Sample Letter to IRS

Thursday, August 29th, 2019

According to Google, today is “National Chop Suey Day”.  Now, that’s a reason to buy fireworks.

Enjoy your Suey Day, and be safe ….. you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange

Let Your Conscience be Your Guide:

Dear IRS:
I’m sending you this money because I cheated on my income tax and my conscience has been bothering me. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll send you the rest.​

First Day in Court:

The court was prosecuting a guy suspected of burglary. The judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Mike Bent, deputy prosecutor.”
“Libby James, probation officer.”
“Sam Gordon, public defender.”
“Willie, I’m the one that stole the truck.”

What Clients Say:

“Your combination of magic and comedy made our celebration a huge success. People are still talking about your “Mind Reading Kit.”

James Harlan

Eastman kodak

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations
Businesses
Church Events
Chambers of Commerce
Theatres
Corporate Events
Award Banquets
Safety Banquets
Appreciation Banquets
Safety Banquets
Family Events
Conventions
Resorts
Fundraisers
Sales Meetings
Conferences
Trade Shows
Office Events

PPS – Bonus Joke:

Bill was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Jack who was dying.
Bill asked, “If there’s baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?”
Jack nodded yes just as he passed away.
That night while Bill was sleeping, he heard Jack’s voice in a dream, “Bill…”
“Jack! What is it?” asked Bill.
“I have good news and bad news from heaven.”
“What’s the good news?” “There is baseball in heaven, but the bad news is you’re pitching on Tuesday.”

I’m Happy To Report

Thursday, July 11th, 2019

I’m happy to report that after our annual family fourth of July fireworks celebration, everyone still has ten fingers and no eye patches. Unlike last year.

More Than One Answer

Teacher: If you had 11 marbles in your left pocket and 15 marbles in your right pocket, what would you have?

Little Johnny: Really big pockets.

_________________________

Some May Not Get This One

There was a knock at door last evening. When I opened it, There was a guyfrom Domino’s holding a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.

“I’ve not ordered any pizza,” I said. “This must be a mistake.”

“No, it’s not,” he replied. “Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted you to know what he was eating for dinner tonight.”


What Clients Say:

“We’ve received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our

guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode reminded of Glenn’s

incredibly meaningful closure. They’re also still trying to figure out how in the

world he made it snow.”

“We’ve received compliments all week on Glenn Strange’s performance. Our guest left the event in a positive and cheerful mode reminded of Glenn’s incredibly meaningful closure. They’re also still trying to figure out how in the world he made it snow.”
Ginnie Currin
Granville County Chamber of Commerce

Who Uses Glenn’s Program?

Associations

Businesses

Churches

Chambers of Commerce

Theatres

Corporate Events

Award Banquets

Appreciation Banquets

Safety Banquets

Family Events

Family Events

Conventions

Resorts

Fundraisers

Sales Meetings

Conferences

Trade Shows

Office Events

PPS – Bonus Joke: Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy.
What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy.

Laugh at Your Problems

Thursday, May 16th, 2019

Remember. “Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.” You’re welcome.


Kids:

Billy: “Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother: “I don’t think so, Billy. Why do you ask?”
Billy: “Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin.”


Yard Sale:

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a yard sale.
They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33.
So I asked the owner if he had a pair.
He shook his head, and said. “I’m still wearing the 33s, come back next year.”


The Artist:

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”

“What did you say?” questioned the artist.

“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

Remember, You Can’t …

Thursday, May 9th, 2019

You can’t unsay a cruel thing. Thank about it.


Child Wisdom:

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

The mother replied, “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen.”


Doctors:

The young doctor marched back to the older doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The old doctor smiled as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”


PPS – Bonus Joke:

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at two am. “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol,’ replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?“ says the police officer, “who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?”

The man sighs, “my wife.”


To Whisper​ or Yell

Thursday, May 2nd, 2019

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Thank about it.


Little Johnny:

Little Johnny goes to the local Farm & Ranch store to buy bird seed.
The salesperson asks, “How many birds do you have?
Little Johnny replies, “None, I want to grow some.”

Cowboy Wisdom:

1) Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
2) It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
3) Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


This Was a First for Me

Over the years I’ve performed in many different type places; everything from lumber company loading docks to elaborate theatres. But, this past week was a first for me. The show was for an Alabama company’s Safety Awards Banquet, and the venue was in a building that was originally built and used as a WWll German prisoner of war camp.

PPS – Bonus Joke:

Jones had been late for work on Monday and again on Tuesday. His boss told him if he was late one more time that week, he would be out of a job. As luck would have it, Jones arrived an hour and a half late on that Friday. His boss was furious and told him to come into his office and shut the door.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” asked his boss, “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning. My wife decided to drive me to work. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, as you can see my suit is still damp, ran out to the airport, got a ride on Clint Eastwood’s helicopter, landed on the roof of the next-door skyscraper, ran down 99 levels, and then came over here.”

His boss was furious and shouted, “Jones, you’re fired! What kind of an idiot do you think I am. No, wife gets ready in ten minutes.”


The Best Sermons Are …

Thursday, April 25th, 2019

The best sermons are lived, not preached. Thank about it.
Have a safe week, and be careful …. you know how I worry,
Glenn Strange


PS- Don’t miss this week’s Bonus Joke, at the bottom.


Definition:

Little Toe: Designed specifically to locate furniture when all the lights are off.


Question:

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, May I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!


Give the Gift of Laughter

Book Glenn for Your Event?

Conferences, Meetings, Outreach, Comedy Nights
Conventions, Awards Banquets, After Dinner, Church Events
Book Glenn Through Your Favorite
Booking Agency or Speakers Bureau
If You Prefer, You May Book Glenn Direct

Phone: 864-439-1369

PPS – Bonus Joke:

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”


On her next visit, the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” he asked.

“Who cares?” she replied.


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