Christmas

Hallmark Christmas Stories of 2016

Sunday, December 4th, 2016

Well, it’s only the beginning of December and I’ve already had my fill of Hallmark Christmas movies. This year they started airing on November 5, 2016. All 22 new versions of the same old plot, with different faces. Everyone’s still whispering their lines, and you can hear soft jingling, tinkling bells in the background all through the entire show. Throughout the movie, you’re pulling for 2 people to realize they’re perfect for each other. Somewhere in the last 5 minutes, they give up, fall in love, the music gets louder, and snow starts falling. THE END. The only difference I see this year is that all the characters have upgraded their mobile phone service, and they’re using smartphones.  I’m just waiting to see if one of the characters has a pocket battery explosion. Probably not going to happen, cause that would add  excitement, and that’s something no Hallmark movie has ever had. Thanks for listing. Pass me the tissues.IMG_0069 - Version 2 – Version 3

Hallmark Channel Overdose

Sunday, November 30th, 2014

I feel I’ll throw up, if I have to watch another “Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie”. My wife took possession of the TV remote Thanksgiving night. It’s now only the first part of December, and I’ve already had enough Christmas. Every Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie has the same basic storyline. All they do is change the faces, the names, and the “Welcome To” sign, at the edge of some small town. And, every character in the movie speaks with a low soft voice like they’re visiting the family at a funeral home.

A typical Hallmark storyline goes like this: Beautiful small town girl can’t wait to grow up, graduate college, and move to the big city to land a high paying corporate job, become famous, and live the dream life married to a wealthy doctor. After about 10 years of being away from her small hometown, she’s forced to return to care for one or both of her aging and/or dying parents. She returns home divorced by the doctor, and with a 6 year old daughter. She’s forced to take a job in retail for a friend of the family’s gift shop.

One day as she’s walking on her hometown downtown sidewalk, she runs into her old sweetheart. The guy she dated when she was a cheerleader and he was the high school star quarterback. It seems, 3 years ago, his wife was killed in a single car accident, on a rain-slickened highway. He’s still grieving and suffering from nightmares. He feels it was his fault, because of his low paying job, he couldn’t afford a new set of Michelins. Now, he’s a single dad with a handsome little boy, that just happens to be the same exact age as her beautiful daughter.

They mess around in the movie for a good 50 to 60 minutes. One’s in love with the other and the other keeps fighting it. Then with 12 minutes left in the movie, it’s always Christmas time. (I can still hear that Hallmark bell tinkling sound in the background. Same music that’s used in every Hallmark Movie.) Well, they finally agree that they’re in love and should get marry, because that’s what they should’ve done when they were young. The last scene is at night, and everyone in town’s happy, singing Christmas songs in the park, and it’s snowing like crazy. THE END. Pass me another Kleenex, and get ready cause there’s another one a comin on.

Sorry, thanks for listening. I feel better now.

Reducing Christmas Shopping Stress & Lowering Cost

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

Early Christmas Eve morning this “Strange” family will convoy to Denny’s for a Grand Slam Breakfast. (Waffle House ruled out because of non-family friendly booths). After breakfast, it’s off to Lowes for gift exchanging. Each family member will bring a spring loaded wooden clothespin, their Christmas wish list & a #2 pencil.  Once inside, each person will claim a Christmas tree & attach their wish list to an eye level branch. Then the Christmas shopping will begin.

Each person will shop the store for one gift per family member. They’ll place that unwrapped gift under the family member’s tree & mark that item off the wish list, using their #2 pencil. Once everyone has finished shopping we’ll circle the trees, hold hands and sing “Jingle Bells”, Elvis’ “Blue Christmas”, and the first verse of “Silent Night”.

Each person will then buggy up the gifts from under their claimed Christmas tree, proceed to checkout, without the tree, & pay for the gifts they were given. By everyone paying for their own gifts, no one will have a tendency to ask for overly expensive gifts, and everyone will receive only gifts they really want.  Coupons are permitted and encouraged.

 

Christmas at Lowes Benefits

1. No Christmas tree to buy, water, or store

2. Reduces shopping time

3. Eliminates home decorating cost

4. No increase in electric bill

5. No fighting mall traffic

6. Eliminates returning presents

7. No gift wrapping

8. Decorations look new

9. Eliminates re-gifting

10. Reduces cleanup time

The Perfect Christmas Tree

Tuesday, December 20th, 2011

After years of searching, I’m happy to announce I’ve discovered the perfect Christmas Tree.

1)  No Searching Christmas Tree Lots

2)  No Hiking In Woods

3)  No Chainsaw Required

4)  Never Have To Buy or Borrow a Truck

4)  No Aggravating Tree Stand

5)  Eliminates the Attic Crawl

6)  Sets Up Quickly

7)  No Messy Pine Needles To Clean Up

8)  Never Needs Watering

9)  Stays Decorated

10)  Fire Proof

11)  Eco-Friendly

12)  Dog Friendly

13)  Easy To Store

14)  Fresh Pine Smell

The Perfect Christmas Gift

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Well, this Christmas I’ve decided to give all my friends and family something very special. Something that no one else will think to give. Something that will make their Christmas stand out above all the rest. I’m giving, “Gasoline”!!!! No, not one of those cheap, red and green paper envelopes containing a thoughtless plastic gift card, good at the local Gas and Go station, but an actual wrapped 5 gallon container of real gasoline. This is something they’ll all use and appreciate.

I’ve been wrapping all week and I just finished the last one. The presents look great under the tree. Each wrapped with bright red paper and a big gold bow attached to the tip of the poring spout. So many, they take up most of the living room. 14 huge wrapped packages with bows …… 70 gallons of gasoline under and around the twinkling Christmas tree.  As pretty as a picture on a Hallmark card. A couple were leaking, but I fixed that. I just lifted them off their side and sat them up straight. The carpet should dry before Christmas Day.

When you first walked into the house, you did notice a slight odor. But, I fixed that. I bought 3 dozen of those little green tree, air fresheners down at “Gentle Fingers Car Wash and Fake Tanning Salon”.  You’ve seen them before.  The ones really cool people hang on their rearview mirror. They’re perfect. All 36 of them hanging through out the house.  No one will, ever suspect they’re there to cover the gas order.  They look like normal Christmas decorations. This is going to be the biggest Christmas ever!!!!

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